Her gaze was very clear as she held his. “I know what you want from me.”
Swearing under his breath, Ethan went out, down the stairs two at a time, out into the street. He lengthened his stride, putting physical distance between himself and Lottie as though trying to outrun the emotions of the previous night. He felt a sense of relief to have escaped something he could not put a name to but which felt infinitely dangerous.
LOTTIE HAD SEEN Ethan’s relief when he left. It had been in the haste with which he had gone out of the bedchamber; it had been in the tense line of his shoulders and the briskness of his departure and the fact that he had not looked back. She sighed a little as she gathered together the clothes she needed for the day. The intimacy of the night that she and Ethan had spent together had been illusory. She knew that. Physical closeness meant nothing. They were still essentially two strangers who were bound together for as long as Ethan paid for their association to continue. That was their relationship, no more. The previous night she had determined not to become emotionally involved with him and make the same mistakes that she had in the past. He could give her nothing of himself. He did not wish to, nor should she wish it. Her future was as a professional courtesan for as long as she had the looks to sustain the role. She would be particularly bad at her new job if she tumbled into love with every protector who crossed her path.
In truth, there was little to look forward to in Ethan’s plans for the day, Lottie thought. They would bring the horrible social embarrassment of displaying herself in public for the first time since her divorce. She shuddered. Everyone would point and gossip as though she was an exhibit in a freak show. The Ton could be very cruel. She knew she had to be strong but she felt as vulnerable as a kitten. So she needed clothes. She needed clothes to wear as armor, to protect her and give her an outward shield against the harsh talk and accusatory stares. Plus a big hat, perhaps, for her to hide behind.
There was a knock at the door—the maid to take away her gown for pressing. Lottie handed it over, then glanced across to the table, where Ethan had left a small bag of coins for her expenses that day. She smiled wryly. If Ethan Ryder thought that would be sufficient to buy her an evening gown and all the accessories she required, then perhaps he did not know women quite as well as he claimed. Then she remembered that she had tried to steal his guineas and run away the day before. She let the coins slip through her fingers. Under the circumstances, she thought, it was perhaps surprising that he had entrusted her with any of his money at all.
She touched the money and let it run through her fingers. Once again the desire to take it, to use it to escape, stirred in her. She could run away from this life and from the ignominy and shame of having to appear in Ton society as Ethan’s paid mistress.
Except that she had no one to help her and nowhere to run.
She straightened up. She would dress like a courtesan and smile until her face ached and pretend that she simply did not care, whilst she hid the molten shame of it deep inside.
CHAPTER SIX
ONCE, WHEN SHE HAD been a leader of society and a Ton hostess, Lottie had enjoyed driving in the park at the fashionable hour of five in the afternoon. She had done it to see and to be seen, to set new fashions and to hear the latest on dit. Now it seemed that she and Ethan were the on dit, which was, Lottie supposed, exactly what Ethan had wanted. She tried to keep her gaze fixed straight ahead in order to avoid meeting the eyes of her former friends and acquaintances, but it was difficult. Jumbled impressions slid past her as the phaeton rolled along. People were stopping to stare; they were even pointing, which was frightfully ill-bred, and they did not trouble to lower their voices:
“There is that damned traitorous bastard Ethan Ryder with his shameless mistress….”
The sun was bright and it made Lottie’s eyes water even though she had bought a bonnet especially designed to shield her face. She could feel herself growing hotter and hotter under the scrutiny of so many censorious eyes. She drew herself up straight and tense in her seat.
I will not cry. She repeated the mantra fiercely to herself, over and over in her head, as she had when she was a little girl and the other children had teased her because she was a fatherless poor relation. She had scrambled up from that lowly place and had become an influential member of the Ton herself. She shuddered when she remembered the pride she had taken in wielding that social power. She had never imagined that one day she would topple off her lofty pedestal. Well, she had learned that lesson now. Perhaps if she were ever in a position of influence again she might be a bit kinder. She sighed. Not that that was likely to happen. She was beyond disgrace, ruined well and truly.
The carriage slowed because of the press of people and other vehicles and she heard one debutante, all pretty blond curls and demure blue eyes say to her friend:
“She used to be Mrs. Cummings, you know. She was married to a most frightfully rich and proper banker, but she simply could not prevent herself from running around Town with any man who asked. They say she takes after her father in being so loose with her affections….”
The girls’ titters of laughter lingered as the carriage swept past and Lottie felt hot with mortification and anger.
She glanced at Ethan. He had hired a superb high perch phaeton for this outing, all sparkling green-and-blue livery and pulled by two showy gray horses. It was a neat way to show his haughty relatives that he cared nothing for their disapproval, Lottie supposed. She wished she had his self-assurance.
As though sensing her thoughts Ethan took one hand off the reins and dropped it over her tightly clasped ones in a comforting grip. He shot her a blazing smile.
“Are you enjoying this?”
“Of course not!” Lottie said tartly, forgetting that she had promised herself she would uphold the role of obliging mistress even if it killed her. “I hate it! All those people staring and tattling! I do not know how you can do it, my lord. I don’t know why you do it.”
Ethan slowed the horses and turned slightly toward her. His smile faded a little and he looked rueful. “I do it because they are bullies, Lottie,” he said softly, “and they should not be allowed to win. When I was a small boy I had to accept the judgment of others that I was inferior because of my birth.” His jaw tightened. “Now I accept no man’s judgment but my own.” He squeezed her hands. “Remember that you are worth a dozen of that foolish matron over there, or that posing dandy.”
“I was that foolish matron not so long ago,” Lottie said, with feeling. “Now I suspect my function is to be a Terrible Example. Chaperones will scare their charges into conformity with the threat that if they misbehave they will end up like me.”
“They would have to behave pretty badly for that to happen,” Ethan said. “You are more of an example of how one can get away with reckless behavior for years.”
Despite herself, Lottie felt her lips twitch. “I fear you may be right.” she said. She smiled ruefully. “Whichever way you look at it, I am the worst of bad examples to the young.”
There was a devilish light in Ethan’s eyes. “How true,” he murmured. “And you are about to become an even worse example, I fear.”
He allowed the horses to slow to a walk and then drew her toward him. She read his purpose in his eyes and placed a hand against his chest.
“I cannot kiss you here in the Park,” she whispered. “We shall probably
