or the vicinity; she couldn’t actually count them without writing them down, an act that repelled her. Even so, she didn’t feel promiscuous. She felt, frankly, completely lost.
Steve turned his beautiful black eyes up to her and made a sound. Then he licked her arm. He would never leave her.
But he would, she reminded herself, and Steve was her only real family. Big dogs didn’t last long. The life span of a Weimaraner was twelve to fourteen years and Steve was five. What would she do without anyone special, without her mom, with a life so solitary? She had her girlfriends—Julie, Marty and Beth—but everyone else had parents, brothers, sisters, spouses.
The tears came harder. She missed her mom so much sometimes; they had been best friends. Even though she hadn’t gone to live with her when she’d moved away, they’d still talked all the time—two or three times a week for an hour at a time. And she’d been with her mom for the months preceding her death, caring for her, loving her into the next world.
Since she’d been just a kid, she’d been on her own. And all she’d ever wanted was to have that kind of connection happily married women had—the loving commitment her mom had had too briefly with Frank, that Jules had with Billy, Marty had with Joe. A good, strong, solid guy to lean on who’d share the responsibility and joy. Was that so much to hope for? Why was that asking so damn much? Didn’t everyone have a soul mate somewhere?
There were times she thought life just wasn’t worth living without some kind of deep love and intimacy. The thought of growing into an old woman without ever having that kind of reliable connection was unimaginable. Another ten years of looking for the right partner, being let down again and again, was simply more than she could bear to think about.
Chapter Two
Even though Julie and Cassie were best friends, they belonged to a foursome of girlfriends who’d hung tight since junior high. Marty and Beth were their two other close girlfriends. They’d all been cheerleaders together in school and had been tight ever since. Beth was the only one who wasn’t socially available that often; she was a brand-new doctor and her schedule was horrible.
The rest of them had remained relative neighbors since high school graduation, getting together regularly. They also had larger gatherings including still more friends from the past. The tradition started when Julie and Billy, as newlyweds, threw a small party, and it grew from there. Some years after high school Billy introduced Marty to one of his firefighter pals and they ended up getting married. Now the friends’ parties—potlucks held four or five times a year—included some firemen and their wives or girlfriends, plus whatever old high school chums were around.
The Fourth of July party this year was at Marty and Joe’s house, in their rec room. It was a big room, complete with bar, pool table, a pinball machine, state-of-the-art stereo equipment, plenty of seating and standing room. They lived in a mansion by Julie’s standards, and she looked around the rec room jealously. They had lots of toys—quads, a boat, Jet Skis, an RV. Joe made a little more money than Billy, since he was a few years senior at F.D., but their lifestyle was probably even more affordable because they hadn’t married right out of high school, had only one child and Marty worked full-time. True, she was a hairdresser—not a high-ticket career field—but she had a full roster of regular clients and Julie certainly couldn’t afford her cuts and colors.
Julie had managed a part-time job after Jeffy was born, while Billy worked and finished college before getting a job with the fire department. They went through years of tough schedules, school loans and scrimping by. With Billy barely on the F.D. payroll, which was modest to start, they had a lot of debt to clear. But then Clint came along and, a year later, Stephie. It ate up the toy money pretty quick. Hell, it ate up the food money.
Joe was an established firefighter who had his own house when he met Marty. They didn’t get married right away; by the time they did, they were able to sell Joe’s house and buy a bigger one. Their little boy was now three and while Joe complained he wanted more kids, Marty said that was it for her. It seemed to Julie that when other people didn’t plan on kids, they didn’t have them. Julie and Billy didn’t plan on them and had them, anyway.
It felt as though everyone had come a long way in twelve years, except Julie and Billy—voted couple of the year in high school. They had a decent little home they couldn’t afford, drove somewhat reliable cars with tons of miles on them, had a house full of kids, big bills and no extras. No grown-up toys, no vacations. Also, no nice dinners out, weekend escapes for just the two of them, and they avoided hiring sitters—sitters were very expensive. If Julie’s mom or Cassie couldn’t watch the kids, they just didn’t go out. Julie cut out coupons constantly, haunted the sales and even thrift shops, paid the minimum balance, put a sheet over the couch to keep the worn fabric from showing. When she was crowned homecoming queen, this was not how she envisioned her life. She’d had her fifteen minutes of fame when she was seventeen.
Tonight, to add to her overwhelming feeling that she was in a steady decline, another one of the old cheerleaders had shown up—Chelsea. She made an appearance every year or two, just to establish she’d hung on to her tight body, perky tits and effervescent smile. In fact, quite a few of her physical traits had greatly improved since high school. Julie suspected Chelsea’s breasts were even perkier—high, full, prominent and aimed right at the eyeballs of men. Chelsea had been cute as a button before, and she was better put together every year, while Julie felt she was sliding too fast into old age. But, if you’d asked her at seventeen which way she’d like to go—blossoming in her late twenties or having it all at seventeen—Julie would still have taken seventeen. Stupidly.
So she watched Chelsea from across the rec room, doing what she did best—flirting with Billy. It was amazing how long your nemesis could follow you without ever losing interest in your man. Julie had threatened Billy with unspeakably painful things if he ever touched Chelsea, if he even accidentally brushed up against her. Thus, Billy’s arms were crossed protectively over his wide, hard chest, laughing at absolutely everything Chelsea said. Now and then she’d put a hand on his forearm and gaze up at him, chatting away, making him grin like a fool.
“Some things never change,” Cassie said, climbing up on the bar stool beside Julie.
They watched together as Joe joined Billy, passing him a beer. Then he leaned down a little and asked Chelsea something: Can I get you a drink? She just shook her head and laughed, drawing Joe into the conversation. Then a third man joined them. Hmm. Chelsea had three good-looking men cornered, holding them captive with her cleavage. Yet again she put her hand on Billy’s forearm.
“If he laughs at her once more, I’m going to throw a dart at him,” Julie said. “Then I’ll chop him up in little pieces.”
Cassie sipped her wine. “Maybe you should have a drink. Loosen up a little.”
“I’m the designated driver. And I’m going to designate him right out of here in about ten minutes.” Then she said to Cassie, “I’m just not fun anymore, am I?”
“Well, you’re not a lot of laughs right now. But there have been fun times…”
“Did I ever flirt like that?” Julie asked.
“I’ve known you to have a flirt or two, but usually with your own guy,” Cassie said. Then she glanced at Chelsea and said, “How does she make never getting married look so good and I just make it look so…fat?”
“Cassie, you’re not fat. You’re…”
Cassie gave her a second and then put a hand on her arm and said, “Don’t. When you have to
