‘Guess I’m tired of being the doting uncle to my sisters’ broods. I want in on the action. The mess, the fun, the laughs, I want it all.’
A tiny crack appeared in her heart, splintering outwards at the realisation of how incredible he really was, and what she’d be giving up if she did the right thing and set him free to follow his dream with someone else.
‘Listen to me, Cam. The docs said it’d be hard, so we’ll try. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll explore other options. Nothing’s impossible as long as we’re together.’
Reaching out, he drew her closer, and she let him, eager to believe his words yet knowing she’d be selfish for taking a risk on them when she might never be able to give him the family he deserved, her hands sliding up his chest, anchoring her while the rest of her world spun out of control.
‘Cam, look at me.’
She shook her head, keeping her gaze firmly fixed on his chest. Looking into those incredible grey eyes right now would be tantamount to staring into an eclipse: she’d be burned eternally.
‘I want you in my life, as my wife, for ever,’ he murmured, his lips grazing her temple while he stroked her back in long, slow movements.
Relaxing into the protective circle of his arms, she closed her eyes, savouring the heat flowing from his strong, sure palms through her hooded top and onto her skin, relishing the tiny sparks shooting through her as he trailed butterfly kisses down her cheek before brushing her lips with his.
She moaned and tilted her face up to receive his kiss, all too aware it could be their last if she set him free, determined to make the most of it.
‘Let’s make this work,’ he whispered against the side of her mouth a moment before covering her mouth with his, and she stiffened as the reality of what they were doing flashed through her mind.
They could share a million bone-melting, heart-warming kisses, and it wouldn’t change a thing. She might be infertile. He wanted kids. Different goals equalled separate lives.
‘I can’t do this.’
She broke away from him, the wrench devastating as she craved the comfort of his arms with every breath she took, knowing after what she was about to say she might never have that privilege again.
Whirling around to stare at the view again and swipe a hand across her wet cheeks, she took several deep breaths, needing to calm down before she broke down.
‘I love you, Cam.’
‘I know.’
Her voice wavered with sadness and unshed tears as she wished there could be a way around this.
But there wasn’t. He wanted a family, she couldn’t give him that, and the longer this went on, the more she fell in love with him, the harder it would be.
Tugging on the end of her plait, she swung back to face him, trying to harden her heart and failing at the sight of the hurt in his eyes.
‘I love you, too, but I don’t want to give you false hope. If I can’t conceive naturally, it’s going to be a rough road ahead. Countless tests, prodding and poking from docs, counselling, sperm donation rooms, hormone injections, implants, procedures, and that’s even before going down the IVF road.’
Taking a deep breath, she blew it out long and slow, her gaze never leaving his, beseeching him to understand. ‘IVF is tougher still, and if that fails, the adoption route is even worse. Years and years of filling out forms and being fobbed off and getting our hopes up only to be disappointed. Do you really want to go through all that?’
Am I really worth it?
That was the real question she was asking, her heart hoping for a miracle, her head knowing she was crazy for putting him in this position.
He ran a hand across his jaw, across the stubble she loved so much, his expression bleak but his warm, steady gaze fixed on her.
‘I’m willing to try if you are. Nothing’s impossible for us. And if it’s not to be, well, we’ll deal with that, too.’
‘No!’
The refusal exploded out of her, the pain slicing her in two. She needed to make him understand how much she loved him, how much she was willing to give up in order for him to follow his dream.
He’d once done the same for her, the least she could do was return the favour. He deserved it. He deserved his dream as much as she’d deserved hers.
Grabbing his hand, she held it between both of hers, willing him to listen.
‘Don’t you get it? I love you so much I want you to be happy. I want you to have the family you want. And I don’t want you to go getting your hopes up when it may never happen for us.’
She broke off as he opened his mouth to reply, placing a finger to his lips to silence him.
‘No, let me finish. These past few months, rediscovering each other, have been amazing, but I don’t want to hold you back. If you want a family, maybe it’s better we end things now.’
There, she’d said it, and her heart ached with the agony of it. Losing him now would leave a gaping, irreparable hole in her life, and she’d never recover from it. But better that than live with the guilt she’d bound him to her for her own selfish reasons and held him back from having the family he truly deserved.
Silence. Punctuated by the occasional far-off cry of a seagull, the sound of a ride-on lawnmower.
‘I’ve already told you what I want. And that’s you.’
Placing a finger under her chin and tilting it up, he said, ‘I want you, Cam.’
He brushed a thumb across her chin repeatedly, soft, soothing, rhythmic. ‘It has always been you. If kids aren’t in the picture, it doesn’t matter. I love you, I’ll always love you, and the two of us are going to have a great life together. It was just the two of us at the start, and that’s enough for me. You and me, partners, lovers, best friends, for ever.’
She’d laid it out for him so he wasn’t under any illusions, and he still wanted her. Just her.
Hope swept through her, and she rode the wave, his sincere pledge dousing her doubts, silencing her voice of reason for an all-too-brief moment, filling her with the teensiest amount of optimism they could make this work.
She desperately wanted to believe him, wished she had as much faith in them as he did. But no amount of wishing and hoping could eradicate the simple truth. He wanted kids, she couldn’t have them. And while he was adamant she’d be enough for him now, what if his love for her dwindled and turned to despair when she couldn’t give him the one thing he needed the most?
He’d left her once before, what would stop him doing it again? She’d recovered from the heartache last time through sheer hard work, determined to obliterate her pain and fill the void he’d left with business. But if it happened again, after she’d fallen so irrefutably, cataclysmically in love with him all over again, she’d never recover.
Drawing a shaky breath, she laid her hand
