His parents wouldn’t be good for these kids. They would destroy them one day—one subtle cruelty at a time. Even he would be better because he understood the damage idle words could cause. And he’d watch everything he said around the children. He would never let down his guard. He knew he’d never find it in himself to be a real father to them, but he would make sure he was never cruel.
So it’s decided, then. He and Maggie would become their guardians together. He turned back into the room. Doubt assailed him once again. How would he deal with Maggie? He’d loved her so deeply, and yet he’d been unable to give her what she wanted most. Children. And so she’d left him. Telling him without words that a long-dead dream was more important than their love for each other.
But now she’ll have both, a traitorous voice whispered. And you can have her back. He suddenly ached to be able to forget his current anguish, in her arms. But the day she’d left with tears in her eyes, he’d sworn never to let her return. Never again to open his heart to that kind of pain. And never to inflict it on Maggie, either.
Because, as hurt as he had been by her decision, he’d known she suffered as well. He’d lived with that pain for years, knowing all the while that it was his fault, that he was keeping her from fulfilling her dreams of having children.
He’d grown up knowing his parents didn’t love him. And it had been fear during those years that had held him back. Fear that, never having received love as a boy, he would not know how to give love to a child. And he’d been right to be afraid, because now he found he had no idea how to be a loving parent.
Trent knew not only how an unloved child felt, but the pain of knowing he’d been adopted and that his real parents hadn’t wanted him, either. He’d also been burdened by the knowledge that his parents didn’t even see him as a part of their family. It was a shame he’d carried nearly his whole life.
He’d been about to enter junior high when he’d come downstairs late one night to raid the refrigerator. He’d heard his parents discussing sending him away to boarding school…
“I just keep looking at Trenton, wondering what to do with him, Royce.”
“There’s only one answer. Ruxley is an excellent school.”
“It seems so unfair, sending him and not Michael. But I can’t let Michael go away. There is simply no way I will.”
“Still, that’s no reason to keep Trenton here,” his father said. “The instructors there will know what to do with a boy like him to bring out all his potential.”
“And who knows what his potential is? His mother and father couldn’t have been Rhodes scholars considering their poor backgrounds.”
“Albertine, it’s too soon to see if heredity or environment will tell with him.”
His mother laughed bitterly. “You don’t need to remind me. Michael is our biological child, and he’s already nothing like either of us.”
“Have you given any more thought to having another child?”
“I spoke with Mother. She believes that only animals have more than two children. She said that even if we were willing to let people know Trenton is adopted, another child would still be out of the question. She’s always thought we were foolish to adopt him, and now she’s gloating.” His mother sighed. “So even though medically having another child is now an option, I’ve decided to just devote my time to Michael.”
“It’s your decision, of course,” his father said, but he sounded annoyed.
His mother typically ignored the censure in her husband’s tone. “Yes, it is. I’ll, of course, leave the decision about Trenton to your discretion. If you want to send him away to Ruxley, then I have no objections, but I won’t hear of it for Michael. It may actually be better for him if we do send Trenton to boarding school.”
“I understand your feelings about Michael. I’ll tell Trenton in the morning.”
“Fine. And Royce, try to present this as an exciting opportunity and not punishment and exile.…”
Trent hadn’t waited to hear more. When his father called him to his study the next day, Trent hadn’t let on that he knew Ruxley was indeed punishment and exile, and not the honor they claimed. And he’d never let them know that he knew about his adoption, fearing that they would then reject him altogether and he would lose Mike from his life as well.
That overheard conversation had been a defining moment in Trent’s life. He’d understood at last why they treated him so differently from his brother. Cold as they were to Mike at times, they’d never sent him away. They’d been there to get him out of scrape after scrape. Of course, Michael had characterized their attention as so intense it was smothering. But at least it had been attention.
They certainly hadn’t smothered Trent. In fact, they hadn’t even bothered to come to his high school, college or graduate school graduations. The day he’d stood addressing his fellow students as Stanford’s valedictorian with no family in the audience, he’d silently vowed that he would never have children. He knew that people usually treat their own children the way they’ve been treated, and he feared he’d do just that.
Then he’d met Maggie. And had fallen head over heels in love with her. He’d loved her so much that he’d fooled himself into believing he’d be able to love a child of that love as much as he did her. But Maggie had been busy establishing her career, and so they’d decided to wait for their first child. For five years Maggie had looked forward to the day when she’d made enough of a name for herself as an interior designer that she could cut her hours and work from home, caring for their baby. The delay, however, had given Trent’s doubts long enough to creep in, and deep inside he’d become afraid again that he wouldn’t know how to love a child. To his shame, he’d been relieved when Maggie had been unable to conceive even with the help of fertility experts. Everything had been working out just fine.
Then she’d brought up the idea of adoption, and panic had overwhelmed him. He had known he’d fail an innocent child as his parents had failed him. He’d told her no—he didn’t believe in adoption. He would not adopt and raise someone else’s child. Though he hadn’t failed some unknown child, he had ultimately failed Maggie and himself. And all because he hadn’t been able to open his heart to her about the real reason for his stand: his shame of being so unlovable to both sets of his parents that no one had loved him as a child. No one had shown him how to love children.
And he’d stood just as firm about reconciliation. Better not to hurt each other again and again over needs and shortcomings neither could change. He’d gone against his every instinct and need by pushing Maggie away when she’d changed her mind about trying again to make their marriage work.
But now there was this—this unbearable tragedy. Mike and Sarah were really gone. He’d just come from viewing their bodies. And now, apparently, his parents wanted the children. Another tragedy in the making.
Trent looked up, his decision suddenly made. He saw Ed looking at him expectantly. “Stop the divorce,” he said. “We’ll put it back together. Maggie and the kids can move into that Victorian monstrosity Sarah talked Mike into, if that’s what you think would look best. But don’t expect me to—”
“Hold it right there, Trent,” Ed interrupted. “I’ll get right on halting the divorce action, but I shouldn’t hear about anything less than complete reconciliation. I need to have a clear conscience
