had been good to her. Maybe spending time with her could knock out the other thing the chief wanted him to find—something worth coming home to.
Cool down, Joel.
Focus. The chief was wrong to encourage him to get attached. People failed him. Always. He was here to finally feel like he belonged somewhere. Getting involved with a woman wouldn’t help that. It would only provide a reason to leave when things fell apart.
Like they always did.
His life could count for the work he did, the lives he helped save, whether from fires or as an EMT coaxing a teen to get in the ambulance instead of taking more pills and ending it all. Each act, each day, was penance for him. Perhaps at some point, he’d think he was good enough for God and for a woman. But not now. Not yet.
Who was he kidding? Probably not ever.
The knot that had been forming in his stomach since he first decided to return to Goose Harbor unwound just a little. After having been a firefighter for the past six years, being in a station set him at ease.
The engine, the axes, the gear—these things he knew and understood. The outside world, well, he couldn’t say the same when he walked out of the building. He didn’t know the first thing about relationships, putting down roots and creating a future—all the things he hoped for and dreamed about. Once he walked out the front doors again, the knot in his stomach would tighten right back up.
The wolves of his past howled in his mind. Not wanted. Not good enough. Not worth it.
Four days after his sixth birthday, Joel became a ward of the State of Michigan. Even at that age, he’d known his mother couldn’t take care of him.
Unwelcome images projected onto his mind’s eye, stop-action pictures reminiscent of an old scratchy movie. A bone-thin woman with flaxen hair sat cross-legged at a table with a razor and white powder. Men filtered into the apartment one after another. Uncapped syringes on the counter, and Mom with a green bottle in her hand laughing. Angry yelling and people coming after her. Mom passed out on the kitchen floor.
Joel batted his hand in the air to shoo away the thoughts. That was a long time ago. A different life. He steeled himself against the image of the dark-haired little boy crouching in the corner of his memory. At thirty years old, he wanted nothing to do with that child anymore. The past needed to stay there. Locked tightly away, key tossed in a murky river.
Now he had a fresh chance to prove his worth. And that would include never telling anyone about the fire and everything else in his life he was ashamed about. No matter what.
“Joel?” Someone walked up behind him.
He turned. “Caleb? Is that you?”
Caleb stepped forward and, before Joel realized it was happening, his old friend was giving him a tight, quick man hug. Joel thumped him on the back twice.
Stepping back, Caleb smiled. His old friend hadn’t changed much. He was still bigger than Joel and looked as if he lifted weights every day. Caleb had always had the outdoorsman look.
“It’s great to see you. I heard through the rumor mill at the old Cherry Top Café that you were back in town, so I came here to see if it was true.”
Joel shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. “I’m glad you still live here.”
Caleb shook his head slowly. “You’re back, right? For good? Not just visiting?”
“Back indefinitely. I start here at the department on Wednesday.”
“I hear you and Shelby are working on a fund-raiser.”
Only in Goose Harbor. “Word travels fast here. I found out about that myself only an hour ago.”
Caleb held up his phone. “I just hung up with her.” His old friend stepped closer. “It sounds like she’s pretty excited to get to know you again. I wanted to say...I’m worried. Shelby’s special.”
“That’s what everyone keeps saying.” Joel braced his shoulder against a doorjamb.
“Everyone?” Caleb’s voice instantly became a growl. “Who’s everyone?”
No matter how pretty Shelby was, a man would be foolish to tangle with Caleb. Even when they were teens, Caleb had fought to protect his family like a lion over the last piece of meat. Joel was smart enough not to step into that battle.
“Forget I said anything.”
Caleb glanced past Joel to the lounge room in the firehouse where a few of the other men played on the Wii. “Who have you been talking to about Shelby?”
“Cool down.” Joel grabbed Caleb’s arm and pulled him out of earshot of the other firefighters. “Just Chief Wheeler and only because she showed up here.”
Caleb paced a few feet away. “When you spend time with her, please don’t lead her on, okay? Keep it professional.”
“Sounds like you’re telling me to stay away from your little sister.” Joel didn’t know why he was poking an agitated bear. He didn’t have any designs on Shelby. How could he when he hardly knew her? But he challenged Caleb all the same. A lifetime stuck in foster homes following new, and sometimes ridiculous, rules made Joel bristle when someone told him he wasn’t allowed to do something as an adult.
“I am.” Caleb crossed his arms over his chest. Same old Caleb.
Joel titled his head. “Tell me, you do realize she’s not twelve anymore? I don’t know her, but I’m sure Shelby’s old enough to take care of herself.”
“She’s not—”
“Like I said.” Joel raised his hands in the universal sign of let’s-drop-this-already. “I don’t know her. Your warning is a bit premature, buddy. I just got into town last night and, between you and me, romance isn’t even a blip on my radar.”
“That’s exactly when it finds you.”
“Well, no worries for me and Shelby. Okay?”
His old friend lowered his voice. “Maybe it’s not the time or place to ask you this, but where did you go?”
“When?” Joel stalled for time, but he had known the conversation would come to this. What happened that day? If Caleb questioned him, Joel would have to think quickly and place himself far away from the church.
“You said you’d meet me at the bend in the river so we could fish that day and...you just didn’t show. Do you know how heartbroken the Lloyds were when you never came back? They thought of you like a son.”
Like a son? Right. That’s why the Lloyds told him they were going to turn him back over to the state so they could move to Florida on their retirement money.
Joel laughed once, drily. “Is that what the Lloyds told everyone? That I ran away from them?”
Caleb frowned. “They asked everyone to help find you and formed search parties. They were so upset they moved away a few months later. I think they had to get away from the memories and the hurt
