She glanced around. “By the way…where is she?”
“Under the desk.”
“Under the desk!”
“Don’t worry. There’s nothing under there. And she seems to like it.” He smiled briefly. “It reminds me of when my sister Charlotte and I used to sit under my dad’s desk and call it a fort.”
“A fort?”
“We were always at war with our other sisters.” He paused.
Knowing family was a sensitive subject for him and not wanting to get him in another bad mood, she ignored that last comment and went in search of Bella.
After moving the office chair out of the way, she stooped in front of the entry to the desk. “What are you doing?”
Bella screeched happily and patted her chubby thighs.
“Oh, so you do like it under there?”
She squealed with delight.
Claire raised her head until she could see above the desk. Catching Matt’s gaze, she said, “Come over. Play with her.” She waved the bear. “I have props.”
He hoisted himself off the floor and strolled over. “Props?”
“The bear and the rattle. Things that will make playing easier.”
He snorted a laugh, but slid the tall-backed chair far enough away from the desk that he could crouch beside Claire. “Hey, Bella.”
She gurgled what Claire surmised equaled hello in baby talk.
“So, this is how the tiny half lives.”
Bella laughed.
Claire turned a bit to face him. “She likes you. She really does. She just needs to get accustomed to you.”
“And that will require me sitting on the floor a lot?”
“Among other things.”
He shook his head, once again getting comfortable on the floor, laying out as he had on the Oriental rug in front of the sofa. “You know, I’m glad you don’t know me. Because I have no reputation with you, I don’t have to worry about ruining it by doing foolish things like sitting on the floor.”
She looked away. How would he feel if he knew that the things he considered foolish like laying out on the floor actually made him more attractive to her?
She shifted the conversation back to Bella, the reason she’d stayed. “You also don’t have a reputation to ruin with Bella. No matter what you do, this baby will love you.” She reached in and tickled Bella’s tummy. “Just as you are.”
The idea that someone could love him just as he was stopped Matt cold. He peeked under the desk, at the little girl happily gurgling as if she’d found heaven. He scooted a little closer, looked at Bella with new eyes. Not as a baby who needed his protection, but as someone who would love him.
Just as he was.
Nobody had ever loved him just as he was. Even Ginny wanted him to change. That was why they’d divorced. She’d wanted a more attentive, loving husband. He’d been as closed off as a man could get. And even when he tried to be more honest, more receptive, he couldn’t take those final steps.
He peeked at Claire. “No matter what I do…she’ll love me?”
Claire smiled. “Yes. As long as you love her.”
“I’ve never really been good at love.”
She shrugged. “There is no such thing as good or bad in love. There’s just love. If you love this little girl, she will know it and she will respond.”
Bella cooed with happiness. He imagined her first birthday, imagined her learning to walk, learning to talk, turning to him for help and guidance and affection. And hugging him. Returning the love and affection he gave her.
Unimaginable warmth filled him. Along with a mountain of regret.
He swallowed hard. “I didn’t really love her mom the way she needed to be loved.”
“Obviously, you did something right. She left her child in your care.”
“What I did right was stay friends with her.” He peeked over at Claire. “And her new husband. Oswald was a great guy. A smart guy. But he always just missed the boat when it came to the big deals. So I let him sell me this house.” He glanced around at it. “And having both the sale of this house and a sale to me to put on his résumé gave him the leg up he needed. When he…” He swallowed, unable to say died. Instead, he said, “This time last week he was one of the biggest real-estate brokers in Boston.”
She put a comforting hand on his arm. “That’s a great story.”
“That’s the only reason my ex-wife stayed friends with me. I felt I owed her so I helped her new husband. I considered the score settled. They felt I’d gone above and beyond the call of duty and made me their new best friend.”
Claire shook her head. “You’re so down on yourself. Did you ever stop to think that maybe they liked you?”
“Wall Street’s Iceman? The guy who broke Ginny’s heart?” He snorted a laugh. “I doubt it.”
“I think you’re selling yourself short.”
There she was again, seeing the good in him. She didn’t understand how cool and distant he was, even though she’d said she did after their kiss at her apartment. He had to remind her she wasn’t magically going to find his nice side, or she would get hurt.
He caught Claire’s gaze. “I loved my ex-wife. I truly did. But being dedicated to work, I ignored her. She had seen I wasn’t capable of real love and she moved on. I didn’t fault her for that. I didn’t blame her. But she knew me. The real me. The me who doesn’t love.”
Claire ran a finger down Bella’s chubby arm, making the baby giggle. “Look at this sweet child. Do you really believe your ex-wife would have left her in your care if she genuinely believed you were incapable of loving her?”
“Maybe she left Bella with me because I have money enough to get her a good nanny, buy her everything she needs, see that she gets into a good university.”
Claire gasped, clearly offended by his interpretation of Ginny’s motives. “That’s not how moms think! More than money, more than nannies, more than grand houses and fancy educations, babies need love. Mommies know that. Ginny wouldn’t have left Bella in your care if she believed you couldn’t love her.”
Real fear tightened Matt’s chest. He could care for this baby. He could give her affection. Giving her affection seemed to come naturally. But real love? That wasn’t in the cards. Ginny would have known that.
“Ginny didn’t believe I could love. She made me guardian only because she needed a name to put in her will. She never suspected she was going to die. Otherwise, she would have thought this
