what about Dana? Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all. She had probably just lashed out because of her grief and was now trying to make up for it. I could forgive the awful things she’d said if she was trying to make up for them.
Johnny was waiting for me outside the dorm door.
“You look great,” he said.
“You haven’t even seen my costume yet.” I smiled. “But thanks, you look good, too.” He was wearing a normal tuxedo. I’d heard that that was what most of the guys did. We walked down the stairs. “I’m sorry I’m late. It’s a fatal flaw of mine.”
“No problem, that’s a flaw in most girls.” He smiled and gave me a wink.
The dining hall looked odd now that it had been cleared of its tables, chairs, food and surly employees. It was now darker than I’d ever seen it, with blue lights darting around the ceiling and walls while bass-heavy music filled the air and shook the marble floors. Everyone in costumes, in a place that should be familiar but was not, made it seem surreal. In the dim light it wasn’t obvious who anyone really was. There were people in masks left and right, people with blood pouring from drawn-on wounds, zombies, ghosts, princesses, aliens and then me. I turned and jumped when I saw that Johnny had put on a Jason mask.
“God, that’s awful,” I said, laying a hand over my chest.
I couldn’t see his face, but he had paused and was looking at me. “Are you taking off your coat?”
“Not yet, I’m freezing.”
It wasn’t strictly true. The problem was that I suddenly had no desire to unveil my costume. The dress was revealing and I had no confidence in it. It had not really struck me that I’d have to wear the costume in front of everyone. They’d think I was being a show-off—or trying to be. Someone else would probably even be wearing the same dress, and I’d pale in comparison. It felt more and more like the worst idea. Everyone already looked at me like I was an idiot. What would they do when they saw my dark blond hair barely holding a curl and a dress that gaped a little where bigger boobs should be?
“You’re going to get hot in here.”
“Oh, I’ll be fine.”
Johnny shrugged and led me through the crowd. My heart skipped as I laid eyes on Max. He was wearing a suit that looked prohibitionist-era, and it suited him perfectly. I smiled and waved at him, noticing that he was with Cam and Blake.
“Why are you wearing your coat? It’s sweltering!” Blake said, after giving me a hug.
“Is it? I’m just so cold.”
She nodded and then started talking to Johnny. Max looked at me.
I scrambled for something to say. “No date?”
He shook his head. “Nah. Didn’t ask anyone. Except you, that is.”
My stomach twisted. “Oh, I see. I like your costume.”
“I don’t know if I like yours.”
“Why?”
He gave me a look. “I haven’t seen it yet.”
“Oh!” I laughed. Maybe I didn’t need to be so nervous.
I took off my coat and revealed my dress. His smile vanished, and his jaw tightened.
Blake gasped, hand over her mouth, and she looked at Max.
“What?” I asked, my arms closed tightly over my chest. “I look stupid?”
I should have known it was worse than that.
Suddenly everyone was looking at me. Max looked like stone, and Johnny looked like the floor had fallen out from under him.
I looked to Blake.
“What is the matter?”
Max walked over to me and put his hand on my wrist tightly. “What is wrong with you? Why would you do that?” He let go. “Take it off. That’s not your fucking dress.”
He turned and walked out. Anyone who had been watching us was looking at me in shock or following him with their eyes.
Blake came close to me, so everyone else that was listening wouldn’t hear her. “That’s what … that’s what she wore last year.”
Blake must have seen the comprehension dawn on my face. She shook her head apologetically. “It’s just that … for a minute it looked like … it looked like she was … It would be like her to show up like that.”
I was dizzy. I had no words. I wanted to scream louder than I ever had, and without my permission, tears had begun to fall down my cheeks. All I could do was breathlessly look from Blake, who pitied me, to Johnny, who just looked concerned, and then to Madison and Julia who had just come up. Madison looked hesitant and worried. Julia looked shocked.
I ran out of the dining hall, ignoring Blake calling my name.
I burst in, and panted at Dana.
“Why would you do that to me?”
“Do what?” Dana spoke quietly, as if she hadn’t just fed me to the wolves. “Oh, by the way,” she reached under her bed, “this came for you last week.”
She threw a white package onto my bed. It was from Costume Warehouse.
I wanted to cry. My throat was constricted and my knees weak. Where would people go with this? Would they start to think I was some kind of crazy person, desperate to be like her? Did they already think that?
“What did I do to you?” My eyes were burning. “Or to anyone else? I didn’t know she was missing when I accepted this spot at school! It’s not like I intentionally tried to replace her!”
She shrugged and set down her book. “I think it’s good everyone finally saw you for what you are.”
“Saw me for—And what is that, Dana? What is it that I really am?”
“You want to be her. You’re trying to be her. Now everyone knows that about you.”
“I don’t want to be her!” My voice was strong, but I felt it might give out at any second.
“Why wouldn’t you?” She looked challengingly at me.
I breathed deeply, never taking my gaze from her empty black eyes. “I didn’t know her. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want what she had.”
“What, to be beloved by everyone? To have Max deeply in love with you? To have Johnny wanting you?” She cocked her head.
I did like Max. I had gone to the ball with Johnny. I shook my head. I didn’t want to think that she might be right. Was I just going after what had made Becca happy?
“No, I don’t!” I said, trying to sound stronger than I was. “I don’t want that. What I want is to be back home!”
