between them like an accusation. Don’t get your hopes up. Don’t forget Rosie could change her mind.
She hung up the towel, but still didn’t look at him. Her recent discovery of new feelings for the man she thought she knew was too raw, too frightening to keep thinking about. ‘I’ll grab her while you set the table.’
‘I need to—Sure,’ he amended, and she knew he’d seen her stiffen. ‘Can you help me feed the animals and shovel out the muck this afternoon?’
‘Of course I can.’ Then she frowned. ‘But what do we do with Melanie?’
‘The cot’s portable, remember? There are also some of yours and Lea’s kiddie toys in the attic. I’ll grab them before we go out. She should be happy enough being in sight of us—and she might like the animals too. Most babies do.’
‘Good thought.’ They’d both been exposed to farm animals before they’d been able to sit up, put on ponies before their first birthdays. If Melanie was going to live here—
She skidded to a shocked mental halt. That wasn’t and never would be the plan, no matter what Jared believed, or made deals over. She’d make sure he didn’t want her to stay … then she could find a life of her own at last, and he’d be free. ‘I’ll get her,’ she said curtly, and walked out before he could say anything else to set her thinking.
Melanie was chewing on a pillow, grabbing others and dropping them, laughing in baby delight at her accomplishments.
When she saw Anna coming for her, she gurgled and lifted her arms—and Anna’s heart flipped with joy and tenderness. Yes, superimposed over Melanie’s beautiful dimpled face was, maybe always would be, Adam’s, but she was a beautiful girl in her own right, and deserved a mother’s love as much as Anna craved to give it.
Don’t get your hopes up …
Sometimes in the past year she’d thought about having children by other means, such as adoption—but part of her kept believing that she couldn’t possibly love a child not of her own body as she’d loved Adam. Would she resent that poor child more than she’d love them?
That worry, and the deeper knowledge that she couldn’t put another set of parents through the anguish of loss had held her back from giving in to the darkest temptation when she’d seen a baby outside a store in a pram, looking so alone and neglected.
‘Thank God I didn’t know,’ she whispered as she gathered Melanie’s warm limbs into her arms, cuddling her close.
‘Thank God.’
‘For what?’
She stilled for a moment, fury filling her for him thinking he had the right to come on her in this private moment. Even worse was the knowledge that her promise gave him that right. Whatever he wants …
The air crackled with expectation—his and hers. Pivotal moments came to every marriage. She could keep playing the good girl, or be a woman and tell the truth.
‘For Melanie,’ she said quietly as she laid the baby down to change her nappy, giving herself a minute to change her mind. The baby’s romper pants were wet as well, so she rubbed Melanie down with baby wipes before putting on a nappy and clean clothing.
When she was done, he was still waiting for the rest in his usual silence. It seemed that, at last, he really wanted to know.
So she added with deliberation, ‘For not knowing until she came into my life that I could love another child this deeply.’ She turned on him in slow defiance. ‘If I’d known before she came to me that I could feel such love for any baby but Adam, I might have done the unthinkable.’
And surely that should shock conventional Jared into letting her fall from the cursed Curran pedestal he kept her on.
But to her surprise, he nodded slowly. ‘I saw it in your eyes yesterday, the guilt. I’ve been thanking God ever since then for watching out for you when I didn’t.’
It shocked her to her core that perfectionist Jared had not only seen the truth but understood her unbearable temptation, and forgiven her. If she didn’t shore up her defences, and fast, she’d never leave this place again—and she couldn’t gamble her life, and Melanie’s, on Jared’s changes becoming soul-deep, or that they’d be permanent.
Willing away the softening of her heart, she lifted her chin. ‘You’re not responsible for me, Jared. I left you, remember? I make my own decisions now.’
Instead of withdrawing, as he had every time she’d reminded him that as far as she was concerned they were still separated, he looked deep into her eyes and said, ‘I keep my vows.’
It should have moved her, filled her with love … words like that had always turned her into a shivering mass of loving woman. But this time all she felt was driving anger. Keep your cool … ‘Selectively,’ she replied, coolness in the single word, and she walked past him. ‘Lunch must be just about ready.’
His voice came from behind her as she strode through the house, dark and, yes, finally, withdrawn. ‘You don’t need to remind me of my selective vow-keeping. It comes to me every night in my dreams. Losing Adam because I listened to the midwife, not you … you lying in that pool of blood the next day … and whose fault it was that it all happened. I know, Anna. I know.’
Arrested by the tone, she wheeled around to frown at him. He hadn’t used the amused reproof that always made her feel small, or the enigmatic coldness that made her wither inside. Every word he’d spoken had been aimed inward. Self-recrimination wasn’t something she was used to from Jared. He was Action Man, always finding the way out, always saving the day. ‘What?’ she spluttered as he pushed past her to get the pies and chips from the oven. ‘You blame yourself for what happened? You think I blame you for.?’
‘Who else is there to blame?’ He pulled out plates and put the food on them, got cutlery from the drawer. He didn’t look at her. ‘You do, too, Anna, or you’d never have left. You wouldn’t have moved out of our bed if some part of you didn’t believe me at least partly responsible for Adam’s death, and your near-death.’
Beyond shock now—how many years had she wanted Jared to say something so profound, and ask her?—she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Did she blame him for that?
At that moment Melanie lunged forward, trying to get to the floor, and she let the baby down, where she happily tugged at a broken corner of black-and-white linoleum that needed replacement. Anna replaced the makeshift toy with a wooden spoon, which Melanie began banging with a gurgle.
Then Anna found her mouth moving of its own accord, words she didn’t know were true or a lie. ‘Jared, I never once thought—’
‘Don’t say it, Anna. If you’re going to leave me after this, despite your promise, then at least end it honestly,’ he said with suppressed violence. ‘Our son is dead because of me.’
Thunder cracked overhead, and the baby jumped; her face crumpled, and she wailed. Glad of the distraction, Anna touched her downy little head in a loving caress of reassurance, but her mind had stalled like a car engine that had run out of oil. ‘What do you want me to say?’ she asked slowly, feeling that pivotal moment stretching out, unwinding like a ball of yarn.
‘It’s
