I glowed up. But I also become more obsessed with my looks. I started dressing more provocatively, I attracted a lot of male attention and I loved it.
GUYS WERE SO THIRSTY TO TALK TO ME AND IT FELT EMPOWERING TO ME, LIKE FINALLY I SEEMED TO BE THE ONE IN CONTROL. I HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH MY FIRST LOVE (WHO I WILL TALK ABOUT LATER AS WELL) AND WANTED TO TASTE FREEDOM.
THE LAST THING I WANTED WAS TO BE TIED DOWN TO ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. I SKIPPED SCHOOL A LOT AND SOON IT BECAME HARD FOR ME TO BALANCE IT ALL BUT ALL I CARED ABOUT WAS THIS NEW LIFE I FOUND AND THE EXCITEMENT THAT CAME WITH IT.
THEN I MET TRU.
"I am not a typical American soldier", he said. "And I hope you are not one of these typical German whores".
WE FELL IN LOVE QUICKLY, THE BUTTERFLIES WERE INTENSE BUT IT WAS A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE, WE BOTH DID NOT WANT TO BE IN A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP (AT FIRST) DUE TO TRUST ISSUES, BUT WE ALSO COULD NOT STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. WE FOUGHT A LOT AND HE KEPT REBUKING ME FOR BEING A “TYPICAL LIGHT-SKINNED PRETTY GIRL" – WHATEVER THAT MEANT – AND KEPT TELLING ME HOW I WASN’T "WIFEY MATERIAL” BECAUSE HE MET ME IN THE CLUB AND ALWAYS CALLED ME "PARTY GIRL".
THIS ALWAYS REALLY BOTHERED ME BECAUSE IN MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP I WAS ALWAYS PRAISED FOR BEING THE "WIFEY TYPE" AND I KIND OF TOOK PRIDE IN THAT AND ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A GOOD GIRL.
WHY WAS HE BLAMING ME FOR HAVING A LITTLE FUN AFTER GETTING OUT OF A FIVE YEARS RELATIONSHIP AND WHY COULD HE NOT SEE PAST MY LOOKS? AND WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY LOOKS, I NEVER CARRIED MYSELF IN A SLUTTY WAY?!
I KNEW HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME THOUGH, BUT HE WAS CLEARLY FIGHTING IT, HE NEVER FULLY GAVE HIS HEART TO ME. SO THERE WERE A LOT OF MIXED MESSAGES AND BACK AND FORTH.
MY BEST FRIEND AT THE TIME, ESTHER, SAW WHAT WAS
GOING ON AND SHE BASICALLY FORCED ME TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. SHE ALWAYS REASSURED ME WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING GIRL I WAS, TRIED TO BUILD UP MY CONFIDENCE AND SAID THAT I DESERVED A MAN WHO WOULD BE PROUD TO BE MY MAN AND NOT KEEP ME AS HIS "SEXY SECRET". SHE GAVE ME THE ENCOURAGEMENT TO REALLY LEAVE HIM AFTER ABOUT 15 VERY INTENSE MONTHS.
HE TRIED EVERYTHING TO WIN ME BACK, EVEN PROPOSED TO ME WITH A RING THAT NEARLY TOOK MY BREATH.
SO I GOT BACK WITH HIM AND AS A RESULT, LOST MY BEST FRIEND WHO HAD ENOUGH OF MY LOVE DRAMA. I CRIED FOR WEEKS BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOUR FAMILY ISN’T ALWAYS BLOOD-RELATED BUT SHE KEPT IGNORING ME.
I LATER FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS FIGHTING HER OWN BATTLES IN SILENCE AND WOULD HAVE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR HER BUT I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN HIM THAT I DID NOT SEE IT. I WASN’T A GOOD FRIEND TO HER.
Then he got deployed to Iraq which changed everything. The war destroyed him and us.
A FRIEND OF MINE WHO I HAD FALLEN OUT WITH AND WANTED REVENGE TOLD HIM THAT WHILE HE’S OUT THERE I WAS OVER HERE WITH A NEXT MAN AND HE FELL FOR IT. WELL, HE NEVER TRUSTED ME TO BEGIN WITH. ALL MY TEARS AND PLEAS DID NOT HELP.
HE HAD A WAY WITH HIS WORDS THAT CAN CUT OPEN. HE MADE ME FEEL SO SMALL AND WORTHLESS, REALLY MADE ME BELIEVE LIKE I WAS NOT DESERVING OF LOVE, ESPECIALLY NOT HIS.
HE BROKE MY HEART AND I FELT LIKE MY WHOLE WORLD WAS FALLING APART.
… so I decided to make a big move.
American Stories
I WAS ABOUT TO TURN TWENTY AND HAD FINALLY GRADUATED, WITH HONORS MIGHT I ADD. I WAS SO DONE WITH THIS LIFE HERE, I FELT LIKE NOTHING ELSE WAS HOLDING ME BACK AGAIN AND I NEEDED A FRESH START SO I BOOKED A ONE-WAY FLIGHT TO HOUSTON, TEXAS, WHERE I HAD TWO AUNTS LIVING FROM MY FATHER’S SIDE.
My plan was to get accepted into the „University of Houston“, become a psychology major and begin life in the „promised land“. But it all took a wrong turn.
I UNCOVERED THAT MY FATHER’S IDENTITY WASN’T WHAT HE TOLD THE WORLD ALL THESE YEARS AND THEREFORE I WAS NOT ELIGIBLE TO JUST START UNIVERSITY LIKE ANY OTHER AMERICAN CITIZEN BUT INSTEAD I WOULD HAVE TO APPLY FOR A DIFFERENT VISA AND WOULD HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANY FINANCIAL AID. MY DREAM HAD BURST LIKE A BUBBLE, ALL MY LIFE I THOUGHT MY FATHER CARRIED AN US PASSPORT AND THAT WOULD OPEN THE DOORS FOR MY LIFE IN THE STAATES. I DECIDED TO STILL STAY AND JUST RENEW MY TOURIST VISA UNTIL THAT WOULDN ’T BE POSSIBLE AGAIN.
AMERICA WAS ALL I DREAMED IT TO BE, I LOVED ALL THE ATTENTION I WAS GETTING AND ALL THE COOL PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO BE MY FRIENDS.
Funny how the tables turn. Even though I was still "different", here I got praised for it and for the first time in my life I was the „popular girl“.
EVERYBODY HYPED ME UPAS „EXOTIC“ BECAUSE OF MY "FOREIGN" LOOKS AND MY CARIBBEAN ACCENT. TEXAS WAS A VERY BLACK, WHITE OR HISPANIC PLACE, THERE WEREN’T TOO MANY MIXED-RACE PEOPLE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, I REALLY SAW WHAT RACIAL SEGREGATION LOOKED LIKE IN REAL LIFE – BY NEIGHBORHOODS, BY CLUBS, BY FRIEND
CIRCLES OR EVEN SCHOOLS, EVERYBODY STUCK TOWHO LOOKED LIKE THEM - FOR THE MOST PART.
I ATE OUT A LOT, GAINED SOME WEIGHT BUT LIKED IT BECAUSE MY ASS GREW FATTER AND OUT HERE THAT WAS A GOOD THING. I MET A LOT OF GOOD LOOKING GUYS, THE TYPE WHO I WOULD HAVE NEVER DREAMED OF BEING AROUND, I FELT DESIRED AND SPECIAL. BUT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT THEY LIKED ME FOR THE WRONG REASONS AND WITH THE WEEKS MY HEART GREW COLDER AND MY NOSE ROSE HIGHER, CONNECTIONS FELT LESS REAL AND I BEGAN FEELING LONELY AGAIN.
EVEN THOUGH ALL THESE MEN SPOKE OF LOVE, I KNEW NONE OF THEM REALLY LOVED ME. THEY TOOK ME OUT EVERY WEEKEND, I PARTIED A LOT AND GOT A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL WITH MY DRINKING.
H-TOWN WAS ALSO THE PLACE WHERE I HAD MY FIRST BLUNT. THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER THAN THE FEELING OF CHILLING IN THE CAR AFTER THE CLUB AND LIGHTING A SWISHER SWEETS GRAPE LACED UP WITH GOOD HERB. DRAKE ’S ALBUM „THANK ME LATER“ BECAME THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY SUMMERAND EVERY SONG ON IT RESEMBLED A DIFFERENT MOOD, A DIFFERENT NIGHT, A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE – ALL IN ROTATION, OVER AND OVER UNTIL I LOST TRACK OF TIME AND PLACE. GETTING FADED BECAME A ROUTINE.
„THROW YOUR HORNS UP GIRL, EVERYTHING IS BIGGER AND BETTER IN TEXAS“, THEY USED TO SAY WHILE STICKING OUT THEIR CHESTS TO REP THEY’RE HOME.
AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF MY „NEW NORMAL“, I REMEMBER STANDING IN THE BATHROOM, GETTING READY TO GO OUT, STARING MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND NOT RECOGNIZING MYSELF. WHO DID I BECOME?… I SHOOK OFF THOSE FEELINGS, PUT ON SOME GLITTER LINER, LIPGLOSS, AND MY
HEELS AND WAS OUT THE DOOR, LOST IN THE NIGHT AND IT’S DEMONS.
To my beautiful daughter and the younger sisters coming after me, I know many men will be attracted by your flowers, but not too many will want to know your roots.
DON’T EXPLOIT YOURSELF BY CARRYING YOURSELF IN AN OVERSEXUALIZED WAY JUST TO IMPRESS THEM. THIS WILL SURELY GIVE YOU ATTENTION, MAYBE EVEN FROM THE ONE YOU DESIRE, BUT IT WILL BE THE WRONG TYPE OF ATTENTION AND IT WILL DISTRACT HIM FROM SEEING THE "REAL YOU". SO NEVER LET SOMEONE ACCESS YOUR BODY IF HE HAS NO INTEREST IN EXPLORING YOUR MIND. FOR SEX IS NOT LOVE, IT CAN ONLY BE SOMEONE’S PHYSICAL EXPRESSION OF SHOWING YOU THEIR LOVE. BUT IF SOMEBODY IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU ALREADY, THEY WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUJUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM. They might fall in love with what you are giving them - but not you.
