a huge role in Grant’s incredible recovery. Words are powerful. They set expectations and limits and send messages to our brains and even our bodies about how much we are capable of. Language is a part of your mental software. Use it consciously and with precision, and you will achieve things you probably never thought you could.
Perhaps no one knows the power of words better than Jack Canfield, the man behind Chicken Soup for the Soul, who has sold several hundred million copies of his books and broke a world record when he had seven books on the New York Times bestseller list at one time. Jack’s focus is on distilling what makes people successful, culminating in his book The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. In my interview with him, we talked about how language impacts success, and I was surprised to hear that he keeps a list of limiting words that he guides successful people to avoid.
I do this, too. As I used biohacking to upgrade my abilities to focus on and pay attention to my words as they came out of my mouth, I discovered that I often used self-limiting words without even realizing it. Even when I was in a deep state of consciousness using neurofeedback, I was unknowingly setting intentions by using those limiting words. My subconscious was choosing safe words that made unimportant things feel huge and other words that allowed me wiggle room to avoid doing the big things I wanted to do.
I call such limiting words “weasel words.” People who work at Bulletproof know that I’ll call out someone in a meeting who uses weak language in a subconscious attempt to avoid responsibility. Similarly, Jack says that he keeps empty fishbowls in his offices, and if one of his team members uses a weasel word, he or she has to put two dollars into the bowl. This is meant not as punishment but to show that there is a cost to using such words. Clear speech means clear thinking and clear execution. By listening to and analyzing the words you use on a regular basis, you can learn to stop unconsciously programming yourself to have limited performance.
There are four particularly insidious weasel words that you likely use many times a day without even noticing it. Use them in front of me, and I’ll make sure you start to notice it (at least, if I like you!).
WEASEL WORD 1: CAN’T
This word is first on Jack’s list and mine, too. It is perhaps the most destructive word you use every day. The word “can’t” means there is absolutely no possible way you can do something. It robs you of power and crushes innovative thinking. When you say, “I can’t do that,” what you actually mean is one of four things: you could use some help doing it; you don’t currently have the tools to do it; you simply don’t know how to do it; or you just don’t want to do it. Or heck, maybe no one in history has figured out how to do “it” yet. Given enough resources and enough problem-solving creativity, you can do whatever it is. It may or may not be worth the time and effort to figure out, or maybe it’s just a stupid idea, but it’s not impossible.
The true meaning of “can’t” is obvious to your conscious brain, but it isn’t so obvious to your unconscious brain because that part of your brain doesn’t understand context. Yet it is still listening to the words you use. This miscommunication between the two parts of your brain creates confusion and subtle stress. If you start to use words that mean the same thing to both your conscious brain and your unconscious brain, you will be a calmer and more empowered person. And because other people also hear your words on both a conscious and unconscious level, when you choose your words more intentionally, other people will tend to trust you more.
This lesson came into action for me as I was writing this book. I was catching a flight to New York to be on The Dr. Oz Show, but I arrived at the airport fifty-nine minutes before takeoff instead of one hour. Even though I had checked in online for the flight, I couldn’t get through the security line without a printed boarding pass. The United gate agent was adamant that she would not print one for me. She even said, “You can’t make this flight.” Because I am programmed to hear “can’t” as a lie, it caused me to think about the problem differently. So I asked another, more helpful airline for the cheapest ticket to anywhere and bought it, which provided me with a precious printed boarding pass to get through security and board my original flight. It felt good to walk up to the United gate and see the look of disbelief on the face of the agent who had said I couldn’t get past security without a boarding pass for her flight. It felt even better to make the flight so that I didn’t fail to show up for a commitment.
“Can’t” is always a lie. Learn to see it that way, and you’ll solve problems differently. Go one week without using the word “can’t.” Normally, I would say, “I bet you can’t do it,” but it would be more honest for me to say, “I bet it will be very difficult until you have practiced.”
WEASEL WORD 2: NEED
Parents use the word “need” with kids all the time: “We need to go, so you need to wear a coat.” The truth is, you didn’t need to go, and you didn’t need to wear a coat. Your parents might have wanted to leave, and you would simply have been cold without a coat. By telling your primitive systems that you need something, you end up turning a desire for something into a straight-up survival issue. On a deep level your primitive brain believes that you’ll die if you don’t get the things you say you “need,” even though your conscious brain knows better.
Of course, you probably use this word in all sorts of other ways, too. “I need a snack” or “I need a new coat” are two good examples. You do not need those things, and lying to your brain about what you need is making you weak. The harsh reality is that there are few things you actually need: oxygen every minute, water every five days, and food before you starve after a couple months of hunger. You need shelter, and you need a way to stay warm. The rest are wants, not needs. Be honest by choosing the word “need” only when it is 100 percent truthful; the rest of the time replace it with the truth. You want. You choose. You decide.
This matters even more if you’re in a leadership position. Our systems aren’t good at distinguishing between real and perceived threats. Imagine the panic and bad decisions you can initiate if your team believes at some level that they will die if they don’t do something you suggest they “need” to do. In a physical state of stress, they would be unable to perform and make wise decisions. You can motivate people to run away from something scary, or you can motivate them to run toward something amazing. So instead of telling my team at Bulletproof that we need to hit a deadline, I say, “This is mission critical, and we’re going to do it. What obstacles can I remove for you? What will help us do this?” That truthful language means we can have an honest conversation if we’re really not going to be able to hit the deadline. People who believe the “need” lie will run like maniacs toward a deadline they know isn’t going to happen because that’s what you do when your life is at stake. So stop needing, and start wanting. You’re not going to die.
Challenge yourself to go a week without using the word “need” unless it’s true. You will be tempted to use the word as long as you qualify it, but even in those cases it is unlikely to actually be true. For example, you might say, “We need to leave now if we want to get to the store before it closes.” Even with this qualifier in place, this is still a limited way of thinking. What if you were to simply call the store and asked the people there to stay open a few minutes late? Or simply asked a friend to go? By using the word “need,” you put an unconscious box around the solution set, create subconscious stress, and limit your creativity.
WEASEL WORD 3: BAD
In reality, very few things are inherently “bad”; bad is a value judgment you assign to something. The problem with labeling things as “bad” is that your subconscious listens and prepares you psychologically and biochemically for impending doom. The vast majority of the time, when you say something is bad, you actually mean that you don’t
