of their peaks hidden by mist. Free from the buildings that crowded our town, it seemed we were driving into the vast slate-grey sky.
Tilly had her face turned away from me, staring absently out of the window at the bleak and empty fields, her mood as low as the clouds that threatened rain. I wanted to ask her what she was thinking, what she was feeling, but I didn’t know how to reach her. I was seventeen when she was born, little more than a child myself. My best friend at the time, Natasha, told me it was really cool I had a daughter. ‘You can go shopping together, hang out, you’ll be mates.’ But I didn’t feel like Tilly’s friend right then, and with all the ways I was letting her down I didn’t feel quite like her mum either. Gavan was always the calmer parent, right from when she arrived red-faced and squalling into the world. He had held her against his bare chest, as he’d read about the importance of skin-to-skin contact, while I was mopped up, stitched up. I fought against climbing down from my cloud of pethidine into reality, where I was responsible for this tiny creature with fisted hands and a furious cry. I wondered how we’d cope, but Gavan was the perfect balance of discipline and fun at each and every stage, coaxing Tilly to finish her vegetables without the onslaught of World War Three. Effortlessly moulding papier-mâché into a castle for her history project, throwing together a fancy dress costume with things he plucked out of the airing cupboard. Although there had been a definite shift in their relationship before he died, a tension which wasn’t there before, I put it down to the changes she was going through. Seventeen was impossibly difficult. For me it was an age full of memories I’d locked away.
We’d been driving for forty-five minutes when, almost too late, I noticed the opening between the trees. I swung a hard left, bumping down a rutted track that tapered until hanging twigs scraped against my paintwork. I thought I must have taken a wrong turn. Slowly, I edged forward, looking for a place to turn around. The track widened again. A weatherworn sign speared the ground, a crow perched atop so still at first I thought he was a statue. ‘Tresmasers yn Ofalus’ in black peeling letters, and then almost as an afterthought, the English translation, ‘Trespassers Beware’. A second sign shouted ‘Ffens Trydan’, ‘Electric Fence’, and a third, newer sign, ‘Oak Leaf Organics’. I’d found it. Gorphwysfa. Resting place.
An ominous thunder cloud hung suspended over the impossibly tall fences spiked with razor wire. Padlocked chains twisted around the metal gate.
Apprehensively I sat, engine ticking over. In the shadows, a movement. A figure dressed in black strode out of a small wooden cabin and moved towards us. His head shaven, tattoos wrapped around his neck; a snake, barbed wire, something written in sharp letters that I didn’t recognise.
He flung open the gates. Timorously, I cracked open my window. He was younger than I’d initially thought, late 30s I would guess. Shadow fell across his chin that could equally have been bruising or stubble.
‘You must be Laura.’ He was well spoken. I chided myself for being so judgemental as we shook hands. ‘Saffron told me you’d be coming. I’m Reed. Can I just say, we’re all very happy that you’re here.’
‘Umm, thanks.’
‘Really. I came here when I was in need and…’ He shook his head. ‘Anyway, I know you’re in a bit of a bind and if anyone can help, Alex can. Carry on straight.’ He pointed down the track and his sleeve fell back exposing his forearm, the skin barely visible under his inkings. ‘You can’t go wrong.’
Still, I didn’t move. Wondering how he knew I was in trouble, and wishing he hadn’t said anything in front of Tilly. The last thing I wanted was for her to find out just how bad things were. Just what was I driving us into?
‘It’s okay.’ He caught my worried expression. The way my eyes flicked to the rear-view mirror at the signs. ‘The fence isn’t electrified. Don’t be afraid.’
‘Mum! What are you waiting for?’ Tilly asked.
Flustered, I put the car into gear and released the handbrake. We bunny-hopped forward and I tried not to flinch as the gates creaked shut behind us.
Trapped. I hated feeling trapped.
Out of the cover of the trees it was lighter. In the far distance I spotted smoke spiralling from a chimney, and even without the sun smiling down, the stone farmhouse surrounded by a scattering of outbuildings looked chocolate-box idyllic. I left my sense of foreboding behind with the flattened undergrowth and the worrying amount of security.
That just made it safer, didn’t it?
One snowy Sunday afternoon last winter, I had curled up with Gavan on the sofa after too many roast potatoes and herb-crusted pork loaded with apple sauce, and watched a documentary on the Amish.
‘It must be lovely to live without technology.’ I’d thrown a sideward glance at Tilly. She was tucked up in the armchair, mesmerised by her phone. It was nice to have her in the same room as us, but I doubt she registered we were there, let alone what we were watching. The modern day Pied Piper wouldn’t need a magic pipe, he could just wave an iPad. Through my 42 inch flat screen, fingers of tranquillity reached out and caressed me, and as I drove into Gorphwysfa that day there was the same sense of being transported back in time. I wouldn’t have been surprised to pass a horse and cart. Men in hats and braces. Women in capes and aprons. Children playing with hoops and sticks. Free-range chickens dipping their beaks for seed. Instead Saffron leaned against a Land Rover, waving as she saw us approach. I slotted my car next to a battered old minibus.
‘Laura!’ The second my feet touched the ground outside the car I was swept into a hug. Momentarily I stiffened. I didn’t like being touched, particularly by strangers, but then I relaxed into her embrace. It had been so long since I had been held. Besides, after she’d witnessed me twitching and writhing on the floor last week, the kindness she showed, it seemed churlish to try to maintain a distance between us. ‘I’m so pleased you’re here,’ she said. ‘I’ve been so worried. I’ve a feeling everything’s going to be all right now.’
The energy buzzing from her lifted me.
‘Saffron, this is Tilly, my daughter.’
Tilly muttered something incompressible and I shrugged a teenagers – what can you do to Saffron who melted my embarrassment with her hundred-watt smile. ‘Tilly I can’t tell you how good it is to meet you! You’re genuinely very welcome here. Now, Laura, I’ll take you across to Alex.’ She gestured away from the farm house, towards a woodland. ‘Did you want to wait here, Tilly? I’d hate for you to ruin those suede boots. They’re fabulous!’
Instead of giving a proper answer, Tilly shook her head. I threw her a where-are-your-manners glance.
We all set off, striding across the open field, the first spots of rain blowing into my eyes. My head bowed as I pushed against the blustery wind that snatched my breath. The bitter breeze biting my nose, the tips of my ears.
‘Not far now.’ Saffron led us into the woods where it was sheltered. I pushed down my hood, breathing in the scent of pine.
Sticks snapped underfoot as we weaved in and out of the autumn stripped branches and the evergreens. Trees towered above us, blocking the already receding light. Tilly was walking so close to me, our arms brushed.
‘I hope you know where you’re going,’ I said in the tone people use when they’re seeking reassurance, but pretending not to.
‘You see these?’ Saffron pointed to the bright white stones snaking through the gloom. ‘They’re kind of a path. It does all look the
