back in.
‘I purposefully keep it like that,’ he said as he sat at the table, gesturing for me to join him. We’re too governed by time. When we should eat. When we should sleep. We should listen more to our bodies. Our instincts.’
‘I can’t see my daughter’s head teacher being pleased if I rolled up late because I hadn’t set the alarm.’
He laughed, although it didn’t reach his eyes. I could see a gap in the back of his mouth where he was missing a tooth, but it didn’t detract from the obvious. He was incredibly handsome.
‘Time is unavoidable in some circumstances, but life is a series of moments and if we clock-watch and plan, we miss the here and now. If you think about it, each moment could be our last and I don’t want to spend mine thinking about what I have to do next. It’s what I’m doing now that’s important.’
I couldn’t help trying to picture what Gavan’s last moment was like. What his final thought was. Me? Tilly? Did he know he was going to die as he plummeted from the scaffolding?
‘Sorry, have I upset you?’ Alex lightly touched my arm and I blinked away the film of tears glazing my eyes.
‘It wasn’t you. It’s just…’ The choke in my throat was held back by the rest of my words. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. It was several seconds before I could speak again. ‘God. I’m glad Saffron took Tilly to look around so she didn’t have to see me like this. Everything seems so hopeless.’
‘I know how that feels.’ This time it was his eyes that filled with tears.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes. Sorry. It’s been one of those weeks. What I was clumsily trying to say is that nothing is hopeless, Laura. And you’re not alone.’
There’s no one to help you. The sour-breathed truth in my ear so many years before had rung true again in recent months.
But perhaps, now, there was someone to help me.
‘Saffron told me you have a dispute with your insurance company. I’m so sorry. Let’s have a look, shall we? See what we can do?’ The way he said ‘we’ was as warming as the fire. He clicked the end of a ballpoint pen and flicked through his notebook containing rows of figures before he came to rest at a blank page.
‘I’ve been writing a business plan,’ he said.
‘Look.’ I was torn between need and good manners. Politeness won out. ‘I know this is an imposition. If you’ve too much on…’
‘Not at all. Sometimes helping someone else is just what you need to take your mind off your own problems.’
‘Oak Leaf Organics is a wonderful idea. It just needs time to find its feet,’ I said.
‘Let’s help you find your feet. Tell me all.’
‘We’ve been paying into a joint life insurance policy for years, and never missed a monthly premium. They’re supposed to pay out £500,000, but they’ve said they won’t settle on an interim death certificate. The inquest could take months.’ Anxiety lifted my voice an octave higher. ‘I just don’t know what to do. It’s all too much.’ I dropped my head into my hands. ‘We’ve only just had the funeral and I just want everything to slow down. Stop.’
‘The first thing is don’t panic.’ Alex paused until I lifted my head and nodded. ‘It’s not unusual to get a no before you get a yes. Some companies will pay out on an interim certificate. Some won’t. Who are you with?’
‘Ironstone.’ I pulled a letter from my bag and thrust it towards him. His eyes scanned the page.
‘Evans? Your husband was Gavan from Evans Construction. Saffron didn’t mention that.’
‘I didn’t tell her.’ A sinking feeling in my stomach. How stupid to think he wouldn’t have heard of us. Toxic waste is probably something they campaign about here. ‘Look, I know building on a landfill probably goes against all your principles but…’ I fiddled with the wedding ring on my finger. The gold digging into my flesh as I twisted it round and round trying to find the right words.
‘We’re quick to judge others.’ His brow furrowed. ‘Too quick.’ He placed a hand on my arm and my fingers stilled. ‘Here we practice acceptance. I’m sorry for all you’ve been through.’
He turned his attention back to the letter. The wait for him to speak again was painfully slow.
‘Ironstone is one of the newer companies, so it’s likely they won’t pay out on a suicide. The modern ones rarely do.’
‘Gavan didn’t jump.’ He wouldn’t have chosen to leave us.
‘Of course not. I’m just running through their thought process. They’ll be wanting to know what caused the accident. Did he have a blackout from some previously undiagnosed condition? Did he have a heart attack and then fall? Did he have a brain tumour that burst?’
‘The post mortem didn’t say any of those things. He had a subdural haematoma and midline shift.’ Phrases I’d only previously heard on Casualty tripped off my tongue. ‘It was the fall that killed him.’ It was impossible to discuss the love of my life with a detachment I didn’t feel. I fished a tissue from my pocket as I asked, ‘I don’t understand why that’s not enough.’
‘Gavan was an experienced builder?’
I nodded as I blew my nose.
‘Then the inquest will also be asking why he was up on the roof in bad weather? If he’d been drinking? Taking drugs?’
‘He had 50 milligrams of alcohol in his blood.’ I don’t know why; he was supposed to have been at work all day.
‘I can’t imagine how you feel, losing your husband and… I’m so sorry.’ A beat, then, ‘Look, I’m not saying it will be easy but it’s certainly not impossible to get an interim payment.’
‘Do you think…’ I trailed off, hoping he would fill in the gaps but he didn’t. I started again. ‘Do you think you could help me please? I can’t afford to pay you right now but Saffron said I could perhaps help out with planting or something.’ Even to me, my offer seemed inadequate.
He studied me.
‘Here’s the thing,’ he began, and my spirits sunk even lower. ‘The policy is in your name, Laura, and I can’t speak on your behalf so I can either walk you through the process or you can sign a permission form so Ironstone have to deal with me. I’d need a copy of your policy of course.’
I could have kissed him. ‘If you could speak to them directly that would be great. How long do you think it might take to get an answer?’
‘I’m not going to lie to you, Laura.’ He spoke with such sincerity. ‘The inquest might happen sooner than I can get any sort of pay-out.’
I turned away to blow my nose, not wanting him to see my disappointment.
His stomach growled. ‘That’s my internal body clock letting me know it’s lunchtime. Are
