They’d crushed something vital inside her and she didn’t know how to get it back.
‘They announced their engagement last month and that’s when I realised I couldn’t spend Christmas in Melbourne this year. Without meaning to, I’d ruin it for everyone. A lot of our set are angry with them, but are following my lead because I’ve asked them to. If I’d stayed I wouldn’t have been able to keep the brave face up. It would’ve created a division in the group and I don’t want that. It’s not fair to force people to take sides.’
‘So you applied for a job and came out here.’
Her lips twisted and an apology welled inside her. ‘With all my Christmas spirit, I’m afraid.’ And that had hardly been fair either, had it? She glanced down at her hands. ‘When I arrived you asked me if I was running away from something. I’m not running away. I’m just taking a break and gathering my resources before I have to face it all again.’
He nodded, but didn’t say anything.
She bit back a sigh. ‘I’m sorry. I can see now that was hardly fair of me. I thought I’d be in the background out here and not of much consequence.’ Her actions suddenly seemed horribly selfish and self absorbed.
Cade still didn’t say anything.
She winced. ‘Do you want me to leave?’
He didn’t answer that either. Her heart started to pound. She glanced at him. He glared back at her. ‘So what the hell is with the getting fit and losing weight thing?’
Oh.
She swallowed and stared out into the night, unable to look at him. The glory of the stars still awed her. She wanted to reach out and touch one, clasp it in her hand and make a wish.
A childish fantasy, but no more childish than believing she could’ve built a life with Brad.
‘Nicola?’
She bit back a sigh. ‘I’ve come up with a plan to make myself over and improve myself.’
He shifted on his seat. ‘You’ve what?’
She was proud she didn’t flinch at his incredulity. She kept her eyes fixed on the brightest star. ‘Strong in body, strong in mind. At least, that’s the idea.’
‘What are you hoping to achieve?’
He spoke those words much quieter and it took an effort to keep her focus on the starlit sky and not turn to him. ‘I want to look better, I want to feel better, and I want people to stop looking at me like I’m a victim. I want to develop some smarts. I didn’t see the Brad and Diane thing coming at all. It was a bolt from the blue.’ She straightened. ‘And I want to develop some … some poise and self-possession. That way everybody will stop feeling sorry for me, they’ll respect me, and I’ll be able to … move on.’
‘Nicola?’
She gave in and looked at him.
‘Change is fine, but don’t take it too far. Making sure you’re not taken for granted doesn’t have to translate into being unfriendly.’
Her jaw dropped. ‘Is that how I’ve come across?’
One of those broad shoulders of his lifted. She went back over all their earlier encounters. She considered the way she’d kept everyone here at arm’s length and her cheeks started to burn. ‘I’m not getting the balance right, am I?’
‘It could use some work.’
Changing was proving a whole lot harder than she’d initially envisaged. ‘What I need is a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand or a genie to grant me three wishes,’ she sighed.
‘And what would you wish for?’
‘To be fit and healthy.’ Which translated to thin, but that seemed far too shallow to say out loud. ‘To have the poise and chutzpah to carry myself with confidence,’ regardless of how she was actually feeling. ‘And … and to stop burying my head in the sand, to realise what’s right under my nose and face reality.’ And to stop feeling so angry, she added silently.
‘That’s all very noble,’ he drawled. ‘Now give me the other wish list.’
She spun to face him. How could he know? And then she remembered all he’d been through with Fran and his marriage breakup. Her mouth dried. ‘The less admirable list?’
‘That’s the one.’
How badly would he think of her if she uttered those things out loud? Then she remembered she was through with caring what people thought of her.
She frowned. She was through with caring so much about what people thought of her. She would find the right balance. Eventually.
‘Okay, out with it.’
She swallowed. ‘I really, really, really want to look good at their wedding. I want them to feel bad that their happiness has come at my expense, but at the same time I want them to admire me and … and to miss me. Because, yes, while we’re still friends, things have changed and no matter how hard I try I can’t make them go back to the way they were before.’
He stared at her. She pushed her hair off her face and tried to shove her self-consciousness to a place where it couldn’t plague her. But … He thought her shallow now, didn’t he? And weak. She tossed her head. ‘What?’ she demanded, losing the battle.
‘You didn’t ask for Brad back.’
‘I don’t want him back.’ If she said it often enough, eventually she’d believe it. And it was partly true. Who wanted a cheating spouse who didn’t really love them? But …
Oh, how she ached for the promise of the life they could’ve had—the home, the babies, the laughter. The belonging.
Her eyes burned. She blinked hard and forced her chin up. ‘I want a hot date for the wedding. That way, no one will feel sorry for me.’ Not that she had any idea where to find a hot date, mind.
‘You want to look gorgeous. You want to be able to hold your head high, and you want a hunky man at your side.’
She nodded.
‘None of those things are ignoble.’
She glanced at him and swallowed. ‘I was going to say that the moment Diane saw me again I wanted her to worry that I could steal Brad away from her if I chose to, and that the moment Brad clapped eyes on me again he’d start to wonder if he’d chosen the wrong woman.’
‘But?’
‘But it’s not true. Not really. I just get irrationally angry sometimes.’ She glanced down at her hands. ‘I do actually hope their marriage is happy and strong. I wish them both well.’
He sat back and stared. ‘The anger isn’t irrational.’
A part of her agreed, but … ‘It comes out of the blue sometimes when I’m not expecting it. It’s so … bitter and unforgiving.
