angry I was in the months after Fran left and …’ He shrugged again. ‘I thought boxing would be more constructive than a treadmill.’ He eyed her for a moment. ‘It seems to me you’ve been bottling a lot of stuff up. It’s not healthy.’
‘I didn’t mean to. I …’ She rested her elbows on her knees and dragged her hands back through her hair. ‘It’s just that my two closest confidants were Diane and Brad, and they weren’t exactly available. And there was no way I was going to confide in my mother.’
‘What about your other friends?’
‘I didn’t want to cause a big rift among our set. I didn’t want people feeling they had to take sides.’ She straightened. ‘And the honest truth is, I don’t want to lose Diane and Brad as friends. I really don’t.’
Behind the blue of his eyes she could see his mind race, but he said nothing.
‘Diane and I go all the way back to our first day of school. Her family have been there for me all my life. They were a haven for me when my father died, and whenever my mother became too much, and … and just everything! I can’t turn my back on all that history just because she fell in love with Brad.’
‘That doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge your pain or your anger. If she values your friendship as much as you do, then it will survive that.’
‘And if she doesn’t?’ She spoke her real fear out loud for the first time.
Cade didn’t say anything, but she could read the answer in his eyes—if their friendship couldn’t survive her honesty, then it wasn’t worth saving.
She leapt up and started to pace. Gripping her hands together, she swung back to Cade. ‘You know, I could’ve dealt with all of this so much better if they’d just been honest with me from the get-go. Instead, they kept meeting up behind my back for months before Diane eventually confessed what had happened. Brad didn’t even have the courage to show his face that evening.’ She flung an arm out and then started to pace again. ‘I know they didn’t want to hurt me, I truly believe that, but to let it all go on for so long without telling me …’
She folded her arms and paced harder, faster. ‘That made me angry. That made me feel like a fool, like an idiot they didn’t have any respect for. I …’ She gripped her upper arms. ‘I kept wondering what on earth I’d done wrong, how had I managed to so spectacularly alienate them. Had I neglected them? Had I not picked up on key signals? I mean, Diane told me that I had always been too needy and that she felt pressured, but …’ She swallowed and lifted her chin. ‘I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?’
Cade shot to his feet. ‘Hell, no!’ He cupped her face in his hands. ‘You didn’t do one damn thing wrong.’
His eyes blazed with a ferocity, an intensity that did her soul and her confidence no end of good. ‘Oh, hell, Cade.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘What?’
‘I said I’d be her bridesmaid,’ she whispered.
Just for a moment his entire face went slack in shock. Very gently she disengaged herself from his hands. It seemed wiser not to get too close. Or needy. Because there had been a thread of truth in Diane’s accusation, and Nicola had no intention of transferring her neediness to Cade.
‘And I’m starting to think that maybe that was a crazy thing to agree to.’
He rolled his eyes. ‘You think?’
She collapsed back down to the crate, her shoulders sagging. ‘The thing is, we always said we’d be each other’s bridesmaids—best friends forever and all that jazz, but …’ She glanced across at Cade as he sat back down beside her. ‘But now I don’t think I can do it.’ She swallowed. ‘I don’t want to do it.’
‘Why did you say you would?’
‘Because I do wish Diane and Brad well. I know I sound contradictory and conflicted, and that I’m angry and hurt.’ She stared at her hands. ‘But I really do hope they’ll be happy. I agreed to be her bridesmaid because I wanted to prove that we could still be friends. And I thought that a show of solidarity like that would help prevent a falling-out among all our other friends.’
‘And what’s changed?’
She thought long and hard about that. ‘I still want them to be happy, but it doesn’t seem fair that I should be the one to tie myself into knots to make that happen. Their happiness is up to them, not me.’
She blinked and a weight lifted from her as she said the words—a load of guilt and pressure she hadn’t even been aware that she carried.
‘Anything else?’
‘I can’t make our friendship go back to the way it was before all this happened. No matter what I do. No matter how much I want it to.’
She pressed a hand to her chest to ease the sudden burning there, drew in a deep breath and blinked hard. When she was sure her voice was steady, she said, ‘Those are the cold, hard facts, I’m afraid, and they need to be faced.’ She couldn’t hide from the truth any longer.
He reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘I’m sorry, Nicola.’
‘Me too.’
They sat like that for a moment. The shade that settled throughout the barn soothed her, as did the whickering of the horses in the nearby stable and the stamping of their feet. It reminded her that she had a ride to look forward to in the morning. A ride she could look forward to for every single day that she remained at Waminda. She might be down, but she wasn’t out.
‘What are you going to do?’ Cade eventually asked.
‘I have to let Diane know—tell her as soon as I can that I can’t be her bridesmaid so she can make other arrangements.’ And she couldn’t do it by email from her laptop. She would have to speak to her friend. If not face to face, then at least ear to ear. ‘Do you mind if I use the satellite phone this evening?’
‘You’re welcome to use it whenever you want.’
‘Thank you.’ She rose. ‘I … um … I really ought to see to Ella and Holly now. But … Cade, thank you. All of this helped and I want you to know that I appreciate it.’
‘You’re welcome.’
She started to walk away and then stopped and turned back. ‘About that kiss …’
He leaned back on his crate and a slow smile hitched up one side of his mouth. ‘I lied. It sure as heck made me feel a whole lot better.’ His body angled towards her in open invitation. Her eyes widened. Her mouth went dry. ‘Any time you want to repeat it, you can bet that I’ll be willing and able.’
She picked up the boxing gloves and hurled them at him. His laughter followed her all the way outside. She found herself grinning as she strode towards the house.
Later that evening, Cade waited for Nicola to emerge from his study. The rest of the family had decided on an early night and the house was quiet and still. Nicola pulled up short when she saw him.
He raked his gaze across her face and his heart clenched. She looked pale and worn out. ‘How did it go?’
