he could taste the bitterness of that knowledge on his tongue. Ella and Holly no longer had a mother. He’d failed them.
His hand clenched around his beer. He scowled into the night. He wouldn’t fail them again, though.
He downed the rest of his beer and considered his intriguing nanny’s strategic retreat. She wasn’t immune to him. He’d felt it in her kiss. In both kisses they’d shared so far. He felt it in her gaze when she didn’t think he was paying her any heed. It arced between them, unspoken, whenever their eyes locked.
He shook his head. Nicola was wrong. Things didn’t have to get complicated between them. Some uncomplicated adult Christmas fun could be exactly what the doctor ordered. It’d provide them—him—with a much-needed release, and he’d make damn sure that it restored her confidence. Win-win.
He nodded once, hard. He had every intention of bringing Nicola around to his way of thinking as soon as he could. First, though, he’d give her some space.
Cade didn’t offer to give her a boxing lesson the next afternoon. Not that Nicola expected him to. She went back to the treadmill, and to glaring at the rowing machine … and to lecturing herself.
She had to remain strong.
Sleeping with Cade … A betraying thrill shot through her. She increased the speed of the treadmill and gritted her teeth. Sleeping with Cade would undo all she’d accomplished so far. It would make a mockery of her growing sense of self-sufficiency and the realisation that she was responsible for her own happiness.
She loved her friends, she needed them, but she could rely on herself too. If she made love with Cade she would be in danger of transferring all her misplaced need to him instead of learning to stand on her own two feet first.
Developing her self-reliance and inner strength was more important than physical release and temporary pleasure.
She gritted her teeth and increased the speed of the treadmill yet again.
Nicola’s eyes narrowed a couple of nights later as she watched Cade give Ella yet another sweet. She caught his eye and shook her head, but he ignored her.
They hadn’t long finished a noisy game of charades and the children were buzzing and jumping, primarily due to Cade’s influence. It was beyond time that they started to quieten down and get ready for bed.
He gave Ella yet another sweet. Nicola refused to let her gaze stray to the bowl of chocolate sultanas. ‘You’ll make her sick,’ she chided.
‘Nonsense! Just because you won’t relax and allow yourself a few chocolate sultanas doesn’t mean the rest of us have to abstain.’
‘Cade!’ his mother chided.
Nicola shifted on her chair. How on earth did he know about her battle with those darn sultanas?
With a giggle, Ella climbed up onto her father’s lap and requested, and was given, another sweet. She grinned in triumph at Nicola.
Little monkey! But Nicola could hardly remonstrate with her. Besides, it wasn’t the child’s fault but Cade’s. ‘Bedtime soon,’ she said instead.
‘Nooooo,’ Ella wailed. ‘Daddy, Daddy, can’t we stay up a bit longer?’
She was about to tell Ella that it was already an hour after her bedtime, but Cade merely said, ‘Sure, sweetheart. It’s Christmastime, of course you can stay up.’
He broke into a rowdy Christmas carol. Ella promptly slid off his lap to dance with Jamie and Simon. Holly, who had started to fall asleep in Cade’s other arm, promptly woke up and squealed in excitement and demanded to join in … with two sweets—one for each hand.
Nicola gritted her teeth and subsided into her chair. All of the children would be grumpy and out of sorts tomorrow. When Cade handed out more sweets and chocolates she had to get up and leave the room.
One savage tug had the refrigerator door swinging open. She seized a jug of iced water and helped herself to a glass to cool off. Cade was trying to make this Christmas memorable for his children. He wasn’t flouting bedtime and mealtimes just to annoy her.
She scowled and slouched against the counter. Not that he’d be the one to deal with the fallout. He’d leave that to the hired help.
She snorted. Get over yourself, Nicola Ann. She used her mother’s moniker for her. You’re just grumpy because Cade has avoided you ever since that beer on the front steps.
When what you want him to do is pursue you harder.
She snapped upright. No, she didn’t!
‘I thought I’d find you sulking in here.’
Cade.
She turned. ‘What? Have you had enough of revving the kids up for one night and now you’re heading off to bed and leaving Dee, your mother and I to deal with four hyperactive children?’
‘Loosen up, Nicola, and give the kids a break. It’s Christmas. They’re allowed to have some fun and to enjoy the season.’
‘Within limits,’ she shot back. ‘Kids thrive on routine. Too many late nights and too many sweets will—’
‘You mean that you thrive on routine, that you thrive on the safe option.’
That was when she knew they were no longer talking about the children.
‘Seems to me you don’t have any room in this makeover plan of yours for any spontaneity whatsoever. You stick to the plan and refuse to deviate.’
Cade was talking about what had almost happened between them and would be happening between them right now if she’d said yes instead of no the other night.
‘Funny.’ Her voice had gone tight and she had to swallow. ‘I never picked you for a sore loser.’
The laugh he gave was harsh. ‘This is about you, not me. It’s about you refusing to let go and loosen up.’
She leaned forward and poked him in the chest. ‘No, this is about you equating my loosening up, as you call it, with whether I’ll sleep with you or not.’
‘I’m not that pathetic.’
‘Really?’ She folded her arms. ‘That night you told me you thought I needed a friend—that’s the role you were playing—but you didn’t really mean it, did you?’ Her voice wobbled and she winced at the vulnerability that stretched through it. ‘A real friend wants what’s best for their friends. They don’t want to see them do something that will hurt them.’
His hands clenched, his muscles stiffened and all she could think of was the way he’d held her when she’d cried, the concern in his eyes when she’d emerged from his study after her phone call to Diane.
‘Look at me, Cade,’ she insisted. ‘I’m a mess! You’re letting your frustration and your hormones override your judgement. You know all the reasons why we shouldn’t …’ She waved a hand to indicate what it was they shouldn’t be doing. ‘But you’re still crazy angry with me. Well, let me plant one seriously scary picture
