just packed up and left. Thought I’d worry about all of that later, come to terms with it first, see a bit of the world, and make sense of who I am now that I’m not Kai Davis, not really. Unbeknownst to me, my father did some investigating and phoned me last week to tell me my biological parents died, years ago. Substance-abuse issues… So now I don’t even get to make the decision about whether I want to meet them. It’s another choice taken out of my hands and I feel cheated. Like I’m adrift…”
For all his easy-going calm, Kai had been hiding his own pain. That’s the thing about pain – it rises to the surface eventually and you have to deal with it. He’d obviously tried to forget, to keep busy, to run from it, but it caught up to him.
“I guess they did what they thought was best at the time, even though it doesn’t make it right. I can’t imagine any parent wanting to hurt their child, no matter how old he grew.”
“Yeah, I would be able to see that if it was anyone else’s story, but because it’s mine and I’m living it… Sometimes their audacity takes my breath away. They should have told me. I should have got to meet my biological parents, or at least had the choice.”
What if my mom had a secret like this? The child in the pictures… how would I feel? Probably the same way Kai did. I shuddered at the thought and once again weighed up whether some secrets should stay buried.
We sat in silence, pondering it all.
“I’m glad you told me, Kai.”
He wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Saying it out loud makes it real, you know? For some reason I feel like a failure, like I wasn’t good enough to hold on to. I know it’s stupid, but that’s how I feel, and I can’t shake it. Sorry, what a downer I am. But that’s sort of where I’m at. I don’t know what to do, whether to go home, or what…”
I gave his hand a squeeze.
He stared into my eyes, and my heart just about tore in two.
***
Back at the lodge, Kai headed out, so I told Amory I was going upstairs to do some paperwork, and took my laptop into my room. The phone rang just as I puffed my way up the stairs. I dashed to answer the extension next to my bed.
“Cedarwood Lodge, Clio speaking.”
“You went through my things, Clio?”
I gulped. How did she know? “No, Mom, I would never do that. I was trying to fix the coffee machine.”
“You saw the photographs.” Her voice was heavy with sadness.
Did I put them back in the wrong drawer? Mom’s fastidiousness was likely to blame.
“I honestly wasn’t searching for them, truly Mom.” This would set us back, I just knew it. My toes curled just thinking of the progress we’d made which would now be lost.
“Why won’t you leave it alone? It’s like you’re obsessed with dredging up the past.”
I sighed. “I was simply looking for the instruction booklet. The album was underneath.”
“And your library visit?”
Damn it.
“Mom, how would you feel being me? I just know this mystery, this secret, is the key to us being a real mother and daughter. You can’t pretend you’ve been there for me. I’ve never asked anything of you, but I’m asking you now: what happened at Cedarwood that stops you visiting?”
“Clio, Jesus. You just don’t get it. I ruined their lives. Their family, their business. All of it. As surely as if I pulled the pin on a grenade, it exploded in an instant.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t your fault, whatever it was.”
“It was, Clio. It was all my fault.”
“Well…” Words vanished. What could I say without knowing what she meant?
“I tried this with your father, confiding in him, loving him, and then I lost him too. And now you’re back at that place, and it feels like a punishment I deserve. Like God is reminding me of what I’ve done and what I have to live with.”
“What did you do?”
There was a silence and then her voice came back distraught. “Something horrible that I’ll live with until the day I die. And you just won’t let it go. I’m asking you to forget it, please.”
“Would you? If this was reversed?”
She sighed. “I don’t know any more, Clio.”
“Why don’t you visit? Take me to the maze, explain what happened.”
“I just don’t understand why you don’t listen, Clio.” With that she hung up, but not before I heard a gut-wrenching sob.
I crept downstairs and made coffee and searched the fridge for the leftover donuts I knew were hidden somewhere in its depths. It wasn’t long before Amory joined me, our early-morning coffee and chat being a routine as regular as sunrise and a time we could confide in each other with no one to overhear. In her loved-up haze, it seemed depressing to bring up my mom and our phone call. I didn’t want to say anything that would dim the light in Amory’s eyes.
She sat down, grinning. “Coffee, stat.”
I shoved her. “Here’s your special new mug, Lady Amory.” We’d found Santa mugs at the thrift store in town. Some poor fool had donated a box of them, and we couldn’t believe our luck. Big, fat, red mugs with Jingle Bells, Batman Smells written on them. Kitschy but oh so cool.
She inhaled the coffee the way she did every morning. I gave her a few minutes to let the caffeine work its way around her body before probing. “What is that?” I said, making a show of sniffing. “Oh, I think love is in the air…”
“Oh my God.”
I laughed. “So?”
“So… Well, I guess it is. I hope you really meant it, about us both staying on? It’s a little like an orphanage here, all these lost souls gathering.” I froze for a moment, thinking of Kai. And of my mom and the mysterious baby.
“I meant every word,” I said, seriously. They didn’t realize how much I needed them too.
“Cruz is keen to move to Evergreen to be with me and start a new life here as a chef.”
“God, what a horrible guy.”
She rolled her eyes. “Right? We thought we’d stay at the lodge over Christmas and then find a cottage in town in the New Year.”
“But we have so many rooms here. You could move into one of the chalets?”
“Thank you, darling. But I think it would be asking too much of you. We’ll hang out just like normal,
