laughed on cue, although inside I withered a little bit. Yeah. I remember Sarah and Caleb trying to sneak out and leave me behind. Was it supposed to have been a date? Whether it had or it hadn’t, I remembered the sharp pain piercing my lonely little heart that they had excluded me, once again.
Caleb’s laughter died, and the amusement left his eyes. It was so sudden it took me a moment to recognize its absence. He cleared his throat as he turned to face the direction we were walking in. “Well, that was a long time ago, I guess.”
My mouth quirked. I guess I wasn’t the only one to mourn those brief, treasured, carefree moments of our youth.
“You should come visit,” he said quietly. “Your mom—I think it would do her good.”
Lucy arched an eyebrow. “Do you think she’d notice I was there?”
Caleb frowned. “It could help her.” He sighed. “Look, I know she says some crazy shit sometimes, but...that’s not her. It’s the drink. Having you there, well, it could straighten her up a little.”
I doubt it, Lucy muttered.
I agreed with Lucy. Sometimes it was hard to remember what my mother was like, before the drinking. So much had happened.
“I don’t know,” I prevaricated.
“Don’t decide now. Give it some thought.”
I nodded, reluctant to give myself the responsibility of my mother’s salvation.
We’re not doing it, Lucy stated baldly. Nuh-uh.
Shush. There’s no harm in thinking about it.
I’m not letting you deal with that woman. She screwed up royally the first time.
Let’s just think about it. We won’t be alone. Caleb will be there.
For once, Lucy went quiet.
We walked in silence some more, and my legs were trembling with the effort of plowing over a sand hill. Caleb looked lost in thought, or maybe he was reminiscing. Those fun times together were far too rare, and I’d wished there were more of those memories, that we’d had more opportunities to create those light moments to counteract the dark.
I remembered when the final, all-consuming dark arrived. Sarah had woken me up in the middle of the night, sobbing as if someone had died. Not Frankie, though. She didn’t sob like that when Frankie had died. I remembered my alarm at her tears; it was so unusual, so weird to see Sarah display that kind of emotion. She was always the one to whisper to me that everything was okay when I wanted to blubber. She was always the strong one. It had startled me, and I must admit, a fear had been born in me that day, that my sister could react in a way that I’d only ever seen in Alice.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered, trying to channel a little of Sarah in my tone, a little comfort, a little calm, when quite frankly she was freaking the crap out of me. I sat up in my bed, and she sat beside me, sobbing ever so quietly.
“Caleb’s gone,” my sister wailed softly.
My eyes widened. “Gone? What do you mean, he’s gone?” Did she mean he’d tried to shimmy down the drainpipe without her this time? Is that why she was upset? Perhaps then she might have a clue to how I felt, the night they broke the guttering.
“He just left,” Sarah whispered, her cheeks shiny in the moonlight streaming in through my window. She leaned over to rest her head on my shoulder, and I hugged her, patting her hair in a clumsy effort to soothe her.
I frowned. “When is he coming back?” I tried to keep the panic out of my voice. Caleb couldn’t leave. We were a family. He was part of our secret little clique, not only a co-conspirator, but a much needed support, and the buffer between his father and us. If he left—I swallowed, not wanting to think about what would happen, how things could go back to the way they were before Caleb had moved in with us, or how it could possibly be worse. Caleb was our safety zone. I didn’t want Caleb to leave.
“Where is he? I’ll go talk to him,” I said, and went to push the covers off.
Sarah shook her head, her shoulders shaking in grief. “No, he’s already gone.”
I blinked, stunned. “But...why?” I whispered. Why would he leave? Why would he abandon us? I thought we were good, solid. How could Caleb just...leave? Lucy woke up, listening intently.
“He doesn’t love me,” Sarah whispered, and the heartbreak, the loss, the anguish, in her voice gave me the chills.
“Of course he does,” I said automatically. Because the alternative, that Caleb didn’t love us, was unbearable. That fear started to grow inside me, pulling my insides out, and I let Lucy to take over. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to stop her. “We’ll sort this out. Don’t worry, Sarah, we’ll fix this.”
My sister sniffled, then wiped her nose with her sleeve. “There’s nothing left to fix. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me.” Sarah kept repeating that phrase, over and over.
“It’s going to be okay,” Lucy whispered, but inside, I knew Lucy was full of shit. I had never seen my sister like this. Not when my mother was beaten unconscious. Not when Peter broke Alice’s arm that time. Not even when Frankie had died, and the police had handcuffed our mother and settled her into the backseat of the cop car. No, this was something new, something disturbing.
My sister’s spirit had been broken. She’d been shattered, fragmented into these sharp little pieces that would never quite go back together again. I could feel her shaking in my arms, feel her sorrow, her sadness. It smothered us like Peter’s hand over my mother’s mouth. Whatever had happened between her and Caleb, I knew. I had lost the sister I knew.
First Dad. Then Alice. Okay, let’s not forget Frankie...and now Sarah. Under any other circumstances, Sarah would be comforting me at the departure of Caleb, as she had so many times before when he’d had to return to his mother’s home as the school break had drawn to a close. But no. That loving, caring, generous and protective side of my sister had been broken. Everything had changed. All those people whom I looked to for love, protection and support were dead or damaged beyond repair. Lucy kept patting Sarah’s hair, and I stared up at the ceiling. I was on my own, and I had to learn to fend for myself. Well, if everyone died, so would I. I let Lucy take over.
A few hours later I slid out of bed, trying not to wake Sarah, her face still mottled from her tears. I was busting to use the toilet, and I tiptoed over to my bedroom door. I opened the door quietly, making sure I put my foot down close to the jamb to avoid the creak in the floorboard beneath the carpet, and that’s when I saw it.
A piece of paper, neatly folded, with my name handwritten in Caleb’s familiar sprawl. For a brief moment, Lucy stepped back, and excitement swept through me, bringing a slight, secretive curl to my lips as I bent down to pick it up. I scurried to the bathroom, locking the door, and then hastily unfolded the note.
I will miss you, Maisey.
Caleb
I must have blacked out for a bit. I don’t remember the rest of the night, so I must have fallen asleep. I was calmer when I woke in the morning. I clutched the note to my chest and closed my eyes. Keen sadness at his departure warred with gratitude and love at this little gesture.
