The Good Behaviour Book. Марта Сирс

      The ability to create a mental image of mother helps baby to separate from her.

      Separation anxiety. The fear of separating from mother is another normal development beginning in the last half of the first year. Understanding this stage helps parents cope with separation anxiety and not inflict separation when the baby is clearly saying it would make him anxious. It used to be thought that if a mother got too attached to her baby during the first year she would spoil her baby and the baby would cling to her forever. Many people still believe this, even though attachment research has shown the opposite to be true. The babies who are the most connected early on are the ones who later separate with less anxiety.

      The physical and mental presence of the connected mother during play situations acts as an anxiety regulator, giving the baby the message “It’s OK to explore.” The connected infant has such a rich storage file of mental images of his mother that he is able to take mother with him mentally even when he no longer has a visual connection to her.

      When encountering a strange play situation with mother, an infant has to balance the desire to explore a novel situation against the need to remain attached to the familiar caregiver. This is why even secure infants, upon entering a strange situation, initially cling to the mother before beginning to explore. Attachment parenting helps babies develop a balance between clinging and exploring. Infants check in with mother periodically for reassurance while they explore the strange situation. Mother’s presence seems to add energy to the child’s exploration. Since the infant does not need to waste effort worrying about whether mother is there or might leave, he can use all his energy for exploring. In time he will cling less and comfortably explore the environment, increasing his distance from the maternal home base, though checking in from time to time for emotional refuelling. If you watch toddlers in play groups, you’ll notice that they periodically run over to their mother, sit on her lap, and get a reassuring cuddle or even a brief chance to nurse – an emotional pit stop before darting off again to play.

      Insecurely attached babies have more difficulty developing this balance. They are likely to spend more time clinging or may withdraw from both mother and the play situation. The late British psychologist Dr John Bowlby, one of the most influential researchers of attachment theory, stated, “A child with no confidence does not trust that his attachment figures will be accessible to him when he needs them. He adopts a clinging strategy to ensure they will be available. He is uncertain of the mother’s availability, and thus is always preoccupied with it; this preoccupation hinders separation and exploration, and therefore his learning.” Attachment parenting acknowledges the developmental principle that an infant must go through a stage of healthy dependence before she can comfortably handle independence. (See related feature “Becoming Interdependent”.)

      Some babies are more separation sensitive than others; so one of your discipline goals in the second year is to find out in what situations, how often, and how long baby can comfortably separate from you. Some infants are anxious separating from their mothers because their mothers are anxious about them separating. The healthier the connection between you and your baby the first year, the more willingly your toddler may separate from you between the second and third year.

      Every baby has his own separation timetable. Around two years of age our toddlers would usually happily wave “bye-bye” to Martha if I, or a sibling, were with them for connection. By three-and-a-half our “big kids” were happy to be on their own in Sunday school; and by four, they could securely spend the night at a close friend’s house.

      Tantrums. Baby’s desire to have it all gives way to the realization he can’t. His desire for bigness and power gives way to the frustration that he is not all-powerful. Tantrum behaviour is a natural by-product of the normal determination that is needed in the development of a healthy self. (See Chapter 5, “Taming Temper Tantrums”, for an understanding of why tantrums occur and how to help your toddler through them.) It’s important not only to structure the toddler’s environment to lessen the need for tantrums, but also to allow and support the child’s need to express feelings.

      leaving a baby the right way

      A highly attached, separation-sensitive baby has a hard time if mother leaves. The clue here is intuitively to know when your older baby can handle short absences (not counting the hour or so you may leave her with daddy now and then). In times past, grandmothers, aunts, even a neighbour were so intimately involved in a family’s life that baby would feel secure with one of these familiar people for three or four hours at a time. If you don’t have such a person in your life, look for a friendship you can cultivate – spend time together several times a week with another mother and child your toddler enjoys. Play and work together and be consistently in one another’s home. This mutual attachment will give you and your friend “the perfect babysitter” with a similar parenting style.

      Between ages two and three a child’s inner life becomes more transparent. Feelings children cannot express in words they communicate through symbolic play, giving you a clue to what they are feeling by how they act. Mary “nurses” her doll while mummy nurses the new baby. She’s feeling like a little mummy. Jimmy pounds his teddy bear to show he’s angry when things don’t go his way.