will become more apparent. “Bubbly”, “daredevil”, “determined”, “cautious”, and “adventurous” are labels toddlers acquire. Children come wired differently, and different kinds of children need different kinds of discipline. Matthew, a relatively cautious toddler, seemed to think out a task carefully before attempting it. And if he got himself in too deep he would not protest being rescued. Our two-year-old Lauren came wired with a different programme. She sees an enticing gadget on top of the kitchen counter and she is willing to risk life and limb to get it. Because of her personality, we don’t often let her out of our sight. Her drive helps her keep going, to get up after falling, to persist after being told “no”, to struggle with words to make her needs known. It also inspires her to climb higher if the biscuit tin has been moved to the top shelf. The parents’ task, in the words of one frazzled toddler manager, is to “keep my child from breaking his neck, and yet encourage him to learn.”
talking with toddlers: what they can understand, what they can’t
Even though toddlers don’t say much, that doesn’t mean that they don’t comprehend what you are asking. As a general guide, take what you imagine your toddler understands and double it. She is probably picking up at least that much.
Follows directions. Around age fifteen months toddlers can begin to follow one-step directions: “Get the ball.” By two years they can follow two-step directions: “Please find your shoes and bring them to me.” Prior to eighteen months toddlers seldom follow verbal warnings unless accompanied by action. Shouting “Don’t pull the cat’s tail” is meaningless unless you get up, cross the room, pry his fingers loose from the cat’s fur, and show the child as you tell him: “Pet the cat. Be gentle to the cat. Don’t pull the cat’s tail.” By two, children can follow most verbal commands without physical help.
A one-year-old baby can understand that “no” or “stop” means that she should stop what she is doing, and that is about the limit of her understanding. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t offer an explanation: “Stop. Don’t touch”, you say as you pull her hands away. “Hurt baby.” As time goes by, make your explanation more complex: “Stop. Don’t touch. Hurt baby. Cooker hot!” Parents can usually tell how much of their explanation sinks in by their child’s reaction. For the toddler, keep explanations simple and brief. Better to spend your creative energy devising alternatives to misbehaviour than defining terms.
A useful developmental fact that parents need to remember is that toddlers think concretely. They cannot generalize concepts. An eighteen-month-old can learn that your cooker is hot (usually by experiencing it solo – the hard way – or by some supervised exploration), but when he goes to Grandmother’s house, don’t rely on his knowing that all cookers are hot. This ability to generalize develops around age four.
Discipline through talking. A toddler’s growing receptive language skills (what she understands) make discipline easier. Between eighteen months and two years, children may say little, but they understand all. (All brief, simple sentences, that is.) Capitalize on this developmental achievement by announcing what you’re going to do before you do it: “Daddy’s going to change your nappy.” Rather than catching your toddler by surprise, a prior announcement at least gives daddy a fair chance of getting the child’s cooperation. (See related feature, “Discipline Talk”.)
Baby’s expressive language skills (what she says) also make discipline easier. Not only can she now understand what you want her to do, she can tell you what she wants: “Off” means she wants her nappy off. Here’s when your wise investment in responding to your baby’s cues begins to pay off. A baby who trusts that her signals will be responded to learns to give more readable signals.
Between eighteen and twenty-four months of age another developmental perk makes discipline easier, the ability to think before acting. How consistently a toddler does this depends more on temperament than intelligence. Impulsive children often rush into a feat instead of first figuring out the consequences and plotting an alternative course. Just watching your child play will teach you where he is in his developmental thought processes. At fifteen months Lauren used to drive us bananas by trying to go up a flight of steps carrying a bowl of cereal. To prevent the inevitable spills, we didn’t allow this activity. At nineteen months Lauren grabbed a bowl of cereal and started for the steps. She stood at the bottom, looked up turned around, and handed the bowl of cereal to Martha before taking off up the steps. Reaching the top, she turned around and reached out for Martha to bring the bowl of cereal up to her. She now had matured enough to figure out the consequences of her action and develop creative alternatives using her adult resources for help. These improvements in language and cognitive skills also decrease the likelihood of tantrums, since the child is less frustrated and better able to figure out alternative ways to get what she wants.
developmental discipline
Think “age-appropriate behaviour” and you’ll be able to give age-appropriate direction. Here are some helpful reminders that will help your discipline be developmentally correct.
Some challenging behaviours are developmentally correct
In the normal course of development those same behaviours the child needs to exercise in order to move on are the very ones that can get him into trouble. As a child goes from dependence to independence, he will often merit labels like “defiant”, “won’t mind”, “bossy”, “sassy”, and “impulsive”. Some of these behaviours are simply a by-product of the child’s need to become an independent individual. And the “stubbornness” that keeps your child from obeying is the same spunk that helps him get up after a fall and try again.
Get in “phase” with your child
Developing children take two steps forward and one step backward. In each stage of development, they bounce back and forth from equilibrium to disequilibrium. While they’re stepping forward into uncharted territory, finding new friends, trying new things, expect discipline problems due to the anxiety that tags along with experimenting. In each stage, expect the calm to come after the storm. The same child who spent two months in a sulk may act like an angel for the next three. This developmental quirk can work to the child’s advantage and yours. Spot which phase your child is in. If he’s trying to move away and grow up a bit, let out the line. During this phase, your child may seem distant from you; she may even answer back and defy you. Don’t take this personally. This phase will soon pass. The child is just in the “do it myself” phase and needs some space and coaching (including correcting) from the sidelines. One day soon, as sure as sunrise follows nightfall, you’ll find your child snuggling next to you on the couch asking for help with tasks, suggesting activities you can do together. You may even wake up one morning and discover your six-year-old nestled next to you in bed. This child is now in a reconnecting phase, a pit stop in the developmental journey when your child needs emotional refuelling. Take advantage of this intermission. It’s time to patch up breaks in communication, cement your relationship, and recharge your child and yourself for the next unsettled phase.
When parents and child are out of harmony, discipline problems multiply. If your child is trying to break away when you are trying to bond, you are likely to overreact to what may be normal behaviours of independence. If you are too busy while your child is in the reconnecting phase, you miss a window of opportunity to strengthen your positions as comforter, adviser, authority figure, and disciplinarian.
Respect negative phases
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