donor, but not yet.’ And Penny nodded because the letter said much the same—thanking her for her care that day and for gently preparing them for what was to come a few hours later. She showed the letter to Ethan and as he read it he forgot to be aloof, forgot he didn’t really want to be talking with Penny at the moment.
‘I couldn’t have dealt with it that day,’ he admitted.
‘I’m not surprised.’
‘Phil used to feel guilty about that. He said he was lying there basically hoping someone would die.’
‘You can’t think like that.’
‘But you do think like that,’ Ethan admitted. ‘Because even I was thinking that if Phil had lasted for just a few more days …’
‘There are a lot of people waiting for hearts.’ Penny said, practical with the facts. ‘And a lot of hearts are wasted. How’s Justin dealing with it all?’
‘I don’t know,’ Ethan admitted, and saw the rise of her eyebrows. ‘It’s all a bit of a mess. Gina wants nothing to do with Phil’s side of the family and I can’t say I blame her. She wasn’t exactly treated well by my uncle and aunt.’ He gave a tired shrug. ‘Anyway, there’s nothing I can do.’ He went to ask how she was doing, but changed his mind—he really didn’t want a conversation about egg retrieval and a five-day wait before embryo transfer. ‘I’d better get back out there.’
‘Sure,’ Penny said, but there was an impossible tension between them.
And so they muddled through and it was a bit easier to be aloof than he’d thought it might be, because he was a bit fed up too, not just with Penny but with himself. He didn’t particularly like the superficial Ethan who, a couple of weeks later, had this guilty image of Penny’s test results being negative and asking her for a night out in the city to cheer her up and then taking her back to his apartment to make love, not babies.
And, yes, he was glad it was a long weekend coming up and that in one hour from now he’d be out of there.
Hopefully without seeing Penny, because she was about to start a stint of nights and was off today.
Then, just when he thought he’d got through it, in Penny walked. She had Jasmine’s toddler son with her—must be picking him up from crèche to help Jasmine out. He saw Jasmine give her a brief, excited hug, saw Penny warn her to hush, and even without that, Ethan knew that she was pregnant, he just knew from the timing, because he’d been back on the IVF site again.
And, no, there was no avoiding her and no avoiding the fact he was crazy about a woman who was pregnant, and not with his child.
‘Hi, there.’ Jasmine had taken Simon to the vending machine and he came over when she caught his eye. ‘Ready for nights?’ he asked.
‘As I’ll ever be.’
‘So?’ he asked, because even if he didn’t want to know, he knew. ‘How are you?’
‘Good,’ Penny said, and her back teeth clamped down because she wanted to tell him her news but it was far too early. But more than that she wanted to flirt, she wanted him and he was just out of bounds. She wanted dates and dinners and laughter and fun, yet she badly wanted the baby inside her too. ‘What are you doing for the long weekend? Anything nice?’
‘Yep.’ Ethan nodded. It had been a long day and now, with the unspoken news hanging between them, more than ever he just wanted to get away. ‘I’ve got the long weekend and then two days off, I’m not back here till Thursday. I’m going out on a boat and hopefully we’ll all be eating too much, drinking too much and talking too much.’
‘With friends?’ She thought her face would crack from smiling.
‘Family,’ Ethan said. ‘We do it every year.’
‘Sounds great,’ Penny said. ‘Kate will have her hands full.’ Penny could imagine nothing worse than being at sea with toddlers—she’d have a nervous breakdown.
‘God, no.’ Ethan pulled a face. ‘Once a year my mum has them all for her so she can get away. Kate says it keeps her sane. It would never happen otherwise.’
‘I don’t blame her,’ Penny said. ‘She’d be worried sick trying to keep tabs on them on a boat.’
‘I meant I wouldn’t be going if she brought them.’ He hesitated, tried to turn it into a joke and then stopped, but he’d said it all, really—he was Mr R&R, heading off, kicking back and just so removed from the world she was about to join.
‘It sounds lovely,’ Penny said, because a few nights out at sea with Ethan, well, there was not a lot she could think of that sounded nicer than that.
He looked at her for a very long time, wished she could come along, could almost see her in a sarong with sunburnt shoulders, and he couldn’t help but regret all the things they could have done, all the dates they could have been on and he was, for a ridiculous moment, tempted to ask her to see if she could swap her nights with someone and come with him, but he stopped himself, because even if the impossible could be achieved, he soon saw the real picture.
No wine, because she wasn’t drinking.
No seafood either.
And throwing up on the hour every hour as Kate had done one year.
‘Have a good break,’ Penny said.
Oh, he fully intended to!
Only it wasn’t that great.
Given what had had happened in recent weeks, it was a far more sombre affair, of course.
‘You’re quiet,’ Kate commented on the Saturday morning. It was a glorious day, the sky blue, the wind crisp and the sun hot.
‘I think we’re all quiet,’ Ethan said.
‘I rang Gina.’ Ethan looked over, hoping there had been some progress, but Kate shook her head. ‘I said maybe we could get the kids together, but she said no. Surely she can’t keep Justin from his grandparents?’
‘I guess she can,’ Ethan said. ‘Or she can make it as difficult as possible for them to see him, which she is.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m staying out of it.’
‘Ethan, you can’t do nothing.’
‘I can,’ he interrupted, ‘because if I say what I really think about the situation, it’s going to be a few very long days at sea.’
‘Say it to me,’ Kate pushed.
‘Are you sure?’ He looked at his sister, who nodded. ‘Phil should have sorted this.’ He watched her jaw tighten and Kate struggled for a moment before she could respond.
‘He didn’t know this was going to happen.’
‘Yes, he did,’ Ethan interrupted. ‘I told him to sort this. I told him he had to work things out between his parents and Gina. Phil knew full well the mess he’d be leaving behind if he didn’t sort something out. I know he did, because I told him. Frankly, I don’t blame Gina for wanting to have nothing
