I tried not to look at my postcard on the noticeboard. I was waiting for the opportunity to come in when no one was around and take it down.
‘What’s going on between you and Gracie?’
I felt my cheeks flare with heat. ‘Nothing. Why?’
She leaned forward and gave me a beady look. ‘Sure?’
I controlled every micro-expression on my face. ‘Why are you asking?’
‘I thought you must have had a squabble or something,’ Jill said. ‘She’s asked for her shifts to be changed so she’s not on when you’re on. Have you got an issue?’
‘No, of course not.’ I hated myself at that point. Truly hated myself. Gracie might be a relatively new friend but she was loyal and caring. I had dragged her into a nightmare of my own making and now she was doing everything she could to avoid me. It was an uncomfortable reminder of my childhood, where I would be standing alone on one side of the playground while the more popular girls were on the other. I wanted Gracie back on my side but I couldn’t do what she asked. I just couldn’t.
Jill was still watching me with a contemplative look. ‘It wouldn’t have anything to do with Matt Bishop, would it?’
I assembled my features into an expression of shocked affront. ‘What on earth do you mean?’
‘You two have a certain chemistry. Everyone’s commenting on it.’
‘So?’ I said. ‘I get on with most people. You do too. It doesn’t mean anything illicit is happening.’
‘You don’t seem happy for someone who’s just got married,’ Jill said. ‘You seem … preoccupied. Is everything all right between you and your husband?’
I clenched my hands instead of my teeth because that would be less audible. ‘What is this? Why is everyone so fascinated with my private life?’
Jill tapped her fingertips on her knees. ‘Bertie, this gossip that’s going around is not doing Matt any favours with the management team. The CEO is talking about terminating his contract.’
I frowned. ‘On what grounds? His private life is no one’s business!’
She gave me a worldly look. ‘You know how conservative the hospital management team is. They’re concerned about the image of the hospital.’
‘They should be concerned about the welfare of the patients and less with the private lives of their staff,’ I threw back.
‘I’m just saying—’
‘Haven’t people got better things to do than gossip?’ I said.
Jill let out a sigh and turned back to the computer.
I stared at her back for a moment. I trusted Gracie but I didn’t know Jill well enough to share my secret with her. I hated it that she thought I was a cheating wife but what else could I do? If I told her, I’d have to tell everyone. I wasn’t prepared to do that. I had a plan. I was going to activate it. There was a way around this. I would resign and find another placement. Problem solved.
‘I’m sorry, Jill, it’s just things are a little difficult for me right now. I’m finding it hard to settle back in after being on my … on leave.’
She tapped a few keys before turning around again. ‘Marriage is hard work. Just be careful, okay?’
I didn’t see Matt at work because I did everything in my power to avoid being seen by him or with him. Thankfully I had other duties that kept me out of ICU for most of the day. I finally left for home after some overtime in Theatre when Stuart’s list got blown out with a complication. I was walking out of the hospital when I saw Matt’s tall figure coming towards me. He must have been waiting for me to come through the front exit. I pretended not to notice him and kept my head down.
‘Bertie?’
‘Don’t draw attention to us,’ I said, out of the side of my mouth.
‘I thought I’d walk you home.’
‘Please, don’t,’ I said, huddling further into my coat.
‘We need to talk.’
‘Not here. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.’ I sounded completely paranoid. But, then, I was. Completely and utterly paranoid. Were the curtains twitching on every floor as staff and patients looked down at us or was I just imagining it?
Matt took me by the arm and turned me to face him. ‘Listen to me.’
I was overwrought with the stress of it all. Gracie, Jill, the thought of Matt losing his job over my stupidity. I looked into his eyes and saw what he was going to say before he said it. And there I’d been, thinking my mum was the only one who could read minds. ‘I know what you’re going to say.’
‘Bertie, you have to choose.’
‘Choose what?’ I pretended I didn’t know what he meant. But really I was just delaying the pain. I couldn’t have him and my secret. I had to make a choice.
His expression was gravely serious. ‘If we’re going to go somewhere with this relationship then you have to tell everyone the truth.’
‘I thought you said you weren’t interested in a relationship. You said you had other priorities.’
His eyes were implacable as they held mine. ‘I’m not going to lose my job because you’re too immature to face up to what you should’ve faced before Christmas.’ I glared at him. ‘That’s rich, coming from you! You took a whole year to get over what’s-her-name.’
His jaw tightened like a clamp. ‘We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.’
‘I’m going to put in my resignation,’ I said. ‘I’ll move to another hospital where no one knows about Andy. You and I can still see each other and no one will ever—’
‘Will you listen to yourself?’ he said, his eyes dark and glittering with disdain. ‘What are you, fourteen?’
I stiffened my spine. ‘Fine. I’ll accept your ultimatum.’
He shook his head at me. ‘Don’t do this, sweetheart.’
I put up my chin. ‘I’m not throwing my professional reputation away for a fling. I’m fine with it ending. I never wanted it in the first place.’
‘You’ve made lying into an art form,’ he said, with a cutting edge to his voice. ‘But when you get home and start lying to the person you’re looking at in the mirror, you’ll know you’re really in trouble.’
I was in trouble from the moment I laid eyes on him, but now was hardly the time to tell him. I was trying to salvage what was left of my pride. ‘It’s over, Matt. It was fun—or at least it was for you—while it lasted.’
‘I didn’t sleep with you to make fun of you,’ he said. ‘I slept with you because I …’ He stopped and shoved a hand through his hair.
I
