with memories and experiences that were not, perhaps, conducive to a healthy, functional relationship.
So while on one level the idea that they got back together was the best thing she’d heard in ages, on another she had so many doubts and fears about what would happen if they did that she held back.
Ignoring her heart, which was remembering he’d said he loved her, Lily listened to her head, which was insisting she proceed with caution, and sighed. ‘I don’t know, Kit.’
He frowned, his smile fading. ‘What don’t you know? You know I love you.’
‘And I love you. But we were in love last time and look what happened. What makes you think it would work this time round?’
‘We’ve changed.’
‘Enough?’
‘I think so.’
He was right. They had. But still... ‘Some things haven’t though.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like the children you’ve always wanted,’ she said, and steeled herself for the dull ache that throbbed through her. Not quite the sharp pain it had been because she’d come to terms with it now, but nevertheless it still hurt a little. ‘That’s not going to happen with me, because I really don’t think I could go through the whole IVF thing again.’
Three rounds had been quite enough and she never again wanted to experience the hope and the despair that the procedures had aroused in her. Never again wanted to be reminded of the pain and devastation of her ectopic pregnancy and her resultant infertility.
‘There are other options,’ he said, watching her closely.
‘Adoption?’
He’d suggested that once before, just after she’d found out that the third round of treatment hadn’t worked, and at the time she’d been feeling so like she’d failed in her evolutionary role on the planet, and so unable to believe that he could have brought it up at that time, that she’d yelled at him that he was unthinking and unfeeling and wholly insensitive if he thought that adopting could make up for holding their own child in her arms.
But now, though, she could see that it was an option. The only one they had really.
‘We could think about it,’ he said. ‘At some point. Or not. Whatever you want. I’d rather have you and no children than a family with anyone else. I always did.’
Ignoring the warmth that swept through her at that, Lily said quietly, ‘You say that now, but what if you change your mind?’
‘I won’t.’
‘You might.’
‘Trust me.’
‘And that’s another thing,’ she said, frowning as yet another thing to worry about should she agree to try things again flew into her head. ‘How do I know I can trust you? How do I know that when things get tough, when I go all weird and withdrawn, as I’m bound to from time to time, you won’t go and find comfort with someone else?’
He reached out and took her into his arms. Pulled her round and back into him, nestling her head beneath his chin. ‘Because we’ll talk,’ he said against her hair as he held her tight. ‘Communicate.’
‘Do you think we can?’
‘I’ll make sure we do. I won’t let us not.’
Lily watched a shooting star dart across the sky and felt her heart skip a tiny beat. ‘Is it really that simple?’
‘It could be if we take things one day at a time.’
At the sincerity in his voice and with the warmth and heat of his body wrapped round her Lily found herself hovering.
Could they make a go of it? Get it right this time? Kit did make it sound simple. And out here, in the velvety isolation of the night, tucked away in their own little bubble, it seemed as if anything was possible.
But what would it be like when they got back to London? Back to life? Real life. Would they be able to navigate the obstacles of their relationship as well as two busy careers? Not to mention manage the expectations of family and friends. Did they have the strength? The commitment? Did they really have the ability to be open and honest when experience suggested otherwise?
‘Look, Lily, I’m not saying it won’t be hard,’ he said quietly, as if able to read her mind. ‘I don’t think we’re always going to have an easy ride. All I know is that I love you and if I do by some miracle get you back I’ll do my damnedest to make it work.’
At the quiet conviction of his words and with the beat of his heart strong and steady beneath her shoulder she could feel herself falling. ‘I’d need honesty.’
‘You’d have it.’
‘Always?’
‘Always. And I won’t give you any reason not to be able to trust me. Ever.’
‘Really?’
‘I promise.’
And just like that down she went, head over heels into a future with him. ‘All right,’ she whispered with her heart in her throat. ‘Let’s do it.’
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