cried my dad fromupstairs. ‘MAUREEN, DESMOND’S
POOED HIS NAPPY AGAIN!’
My dad was talking about my baby
brother, Desmond Loser the Second,
in case you didn’t know.
14
‘WELL, CHANGE IT THEN!’ screamed
my mum up the stairs, and she turned
back to us and started ringing. Which
was weird, because she isn’t a phone.
She’s my mum.
15
‘My new phone!’ smiled my mum,
pulling a huge great big shiny white
phone out of her pocket and sliding
her finger across the screen. ‘Loser
residence!’ she said, holding it up to
her ear.
16
‘What’s that I’m looking at?’ crackled
a voice out of the phone’s speaker.
‘Is that an ear or something?’
‘Ooh, must be a video call!’ said my
mum all proudly, and she took the
phone away from her ear and looked
at the screen. ‘Aunt Mildred!’ she smiled.
17
I hopped off the sofa and ran over to
my mum, tiptoeing a centimetre higher
so I could see the screen too. ‘Hi, Great
Aunt Mildred!’ I said, spluttering biscuit
crumbs all over Great Aunt Mildred’s
face, which was staring back at me.
It was at about this moment in the
history of the universe that I noticed
that Great Aunt Mildred’s nose was
about three times its usual size.
18
‘Are you OK, Aunt Mildred?’ said my mum. ‘Your nose looks a bit . . . puffy.’
‘That’s why I’m calling,’ said Great Aunt Mildred. ‘This little blighter bit me on the end of my hooter just now and the whole thing’s swollen up like an air bag!’
She held a jam jar up to the screen. Inside was a bright green beetle with six red legs and a humungaloid pair of pincers. ‘I was reaching for a banana when it jumped out of the fruit bowl!’ she warbled.
19
Bunky and Nancy slid off their bits of
the sofa and ran over to have a look
at Great Aunt Mildred’s nose. ‘She’s
right - it DOES look like an air bag!’
chuckled Bunky, as Nancy peered into
the jam jar on the screen.
‘Where are your bananas from?’ asked
Nancy.
‘Feeko’s Supermarket, of course!’ said
Great Aunt Mildred.
20
‘No, I meant what country!’ said Nancy,
and Great Aunt Mildred put the jam
jar down and wandered off, then
reappeared a millisecond later holding
a banana.
‘Sticker says “Grown in Smeldovia”,’
said Great Aunt Mildred, and Nancy
gasped.
‘I knew I recognised that insect - it’s a
Smeldovian Biting Banana Beetle,’ Nancy
said. ‘They’re extremely poisonous!’
21
I looked at Bunky and raised my favourite eyebrow.
‘Typikeel Nancy!’ I said, seeing as she
always knows stuff like that -
especially since she’d started going
along to her dad’s loserish nature club.
‘POISONOUS?’ gasped Great Aunt
Mildred, grabbing her nose. ‘What
does that mean?’ she whimpered.
‘It means I’m coming round right now!’
said my mum.
22
‘Call you when I get there!’ cried my
mum, reversing out of the driveway,
and we all waved. She’d thrown her
travel bag into the back seat of her
car, seeing as Great Aunt Mildred lived
about eight million miles away and
she’d have to stay until she was better,
which might be all week.
23
‘B-but, Maureen . . .’ warbled my dad,
bending over to pick up Desmond Loser
the Second. ‘What about my bad back?
I can’t look after Barry and Desmond
all on my own!’
‘Oh don’t be pathetic, Kenneth!’ said my
mum, honking the horn, and she was
gone. Which meant . . .
24
