the
whole of England was ruled over by Old King
Thunderbelly, who lived in a grand castle in the
middle of Lamonic Bibber.
One day, Old King Thunderbelly was
strolling in the castle courtyards, which were
not as magnificent as you might think. They
were just all right. The best bit was a Swingball,
but even that wasn’t brilliant because it kept
tipping over if you whacked the ball too hard.
‘I am so crafty,’ said Old King Thunderbelly as he strolled around the courtyards. ‘For a start, I’m the king of the whole of England. And for another start, I can outwit anyone who crosses my path.’
But at that moment a crow crossed Old
King Thunderbelly’s path.
‘Oho,’ said the crow. ‘So you think you can
outwit anyone, is that what I heard you say, you
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arrogant king?’
‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Why,
have you got a challenge for me?’
‘I certainly have,’ remarked the crow. ‘I bet you can’t keep me out
of Lamonic Bibber.’
‘I bet I can,’ said Old King
Thunderbelly.
‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.
‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.
‘No, seriously, I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.
‘I really actually think I
can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.
‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.
‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.
‘Listen,’ said the crow, ‘I honestly bet you can’t.’
‘No, you listen, you idiot,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I bet I can.’
‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.
‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.
Well, this argument went on for a day and a night and it was the most boring day and night either of them had ever spent, until eventually the crow said, ‘OK, then, king-features. Prove it. I will walk ten miles out of town and then I will try to get back in.
And just you see if you can stop me.’
‘All right, I will,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.
So the crow turned around and
started walking out of town. And Old King Thunderbelly began to make his plans.
‘I will build a mighty wall all around Lamonic Bibber,’ said Old King Thunderbelly to himself. ‘How can a crow possibly get over a wall? It’s impossible. And I will put some guards at the entrances and I will give them strict orders not to let in any crows. My God, I’m crafty!’ he said, rubbing his hands together, which was the first time a crafty person had ever rubbed his hands together to show he was doing crafty things.
‘Now, how will I build a wall?’ mused Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I know! I’ll get my friend
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John to do it for me.’
Now this was certainly a wonderful idea, because Old King Thunderbelly’s friend John was a famous wall-builder, known far and wide for his enormous farts. And also for how good he was at building walls.
So Old King Thunderbelly took out some bits of wood and a hammer and a few bells and he invented the world’s first telephone. Then he invented the world’s second telephone. Then he went round to his friend John’s house and gave John a telephone.
‘What’s this?’ said John.
‘You’ll see,’ winked Old King Thunderbelly. Then he went back to his palace and dialled John’s number.
‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Is that John?’
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‘No, it’s his wife,’ said the voice at the other end of the line. ‘I’ll just go and get John, he’s having a fart in the shed.’
‘OK,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.
Soon John came to the phone.
‘Hello,’ said John.
‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Do you like this new invention? It’s called a “telephone”.’
‘Yeah, it’s brilliant,’ said John. ‘Now, what can I do for you today, Your Highness? Do you want me to build a wall or something?’
‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I want you to build a wall around Lamonic Bibber.’
‘Why, have you accepted a challenge from a crow or something?’ said John.
‘John, you know me well,’ laughed Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I certainly have.’
About three weeks later the wall was finally
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finished. John had worked day and night to build
it, and it was probably the best wall he’d ever built.
It was made out of stone and it was really high and
there were spikes on it and every few hundred yards
there were signs saying ‘NO CROWS ALLOWED’
and ‘KEEP OUT IF YOU ARE A CROW’. There
were two gates set into the wall and at each gate
stood two beefy guards, each holding a sharp silver
sword, except for one of them who had forgotten his
sword and was holding a massive garlic bread covered
in tinfoil instead and hoping nobody would notice.
‘Now let’s see that crow try and get in,’
laughed
