Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton
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‘Oh, how
adorable,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two,
three! ‘Those letters must be
the initials of each deer’s name! I bet they are called Daniel, Arthur, Neil, Georgina, Eleanor and Rum-
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Pum-Pum! Rum-Pum-Pum is my
favourite!’
While Princess Snowflake
had been sitting on the bench,
she had let Gooseberry off
his leash so that he could
go and do his business in
the bushes. (Gooseberry
ran a small and very
profitable furniture business
in the undergrowth,
selling small
tables and chairs
and suchlike to the
other animals.
Chomley the hedgehog
was one of his best
customers.)
‘Gooseberry!’ called
Princess Snowflake at
length. ‘Finish up your
business and come and walk with me
some more, there’s a good doggie!’
But no, there wasn’t a good doggie,
because Gooseberry did not come rushing out of the bushes as he normally did, barking and smiling and with dozens of silver coins spilling from his mouth. Gooseberry was nowhere to be seen,
and for the first time in her young life, Princess Snowflake knew what it was to feel fear. For the first time, she began to wish that she had listened to the witches. How long had Gooseberry been gone? Ten minutes? An hour? Even as Princess Snowflake rose from the bench to search for him, the day darkened and a cold, crisp flurry of snow began to fall. And as the snow fell, it sang:
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Whisper,
whisper so,
The wind
and
the snow
The
Gypsy
King
And his
golden
ring
Woe,
woe,
woe!
Whisper,
whisper
so,
The frostbite
on
your toe
The
Gypsy
King
Will
only
bring
Woe,
woe,
woe!
Whisper,
whisper
so,
The frozen
ground
below
The
Gypsy
King
In the
fairy
ring
Woe,
woe,
woe!
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‘What do you mean by this sinister
and quite catchy rhyme?’ pleaded Princess Snowflake – but the snow would say no more.
For a moment the world stood still.
And then, suddenly, the Gypsy King
jumped out from behind a tree. He was strong, with rippling muscles, and he wore hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he had proud boots. And in his huge cruel hands he held Princess Snowflake’s darling companion, Gooseberry.
‘I’ve done it again,’ laughed the Gypsy
King. ‘All the legends about me were true, I live in the gardens and I snatch up spaniels and do what I like.’
‘I hate you,’ said Princess Snowflake,
throwing herself to the ground and weeping hot, bitter tears that melted the snow all around her. ‘What do you want with Gooseberry? He is
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only a spaniel and part-time furniture salesman!
But he means more to me than all my riches
put together! Please, please! I will give you all
the land of the town – from the Lamonic River
to Boaster’s Hill! From the Stone Table to the
Forest of Runtus! From the meanest hovel to
the Winter Palace itself – it will all be yours,
if you will only return Gooseberry to me, you
unbearable devil!’
But the Gypsy King merely laughed and
put Gooseberry’s face to his lips. Then