suddenly filled with terror. Does she want me to stay here?
She puts the lamp down and wraps her arms around me, her face hidden in the shadows. ‘You know that you must not cry. Your life spirit will leave you and without it, you are nothing.’
I can smell the sweetness of her vanilla scent. It masks the smell of the blood and the damp earth that is blocking the air.
‘It won’t be for long.’
‘So you’ll shut the trapdoor?’ The words fall from my mouth.
Elizabeth steps back and nods. She’s trying to smile.
‘But how will I breathe?’
Elizabeth picks up the lantern and shines it on the bottom of the curved earth walls. Tiny black pipes stick out all around. ‘I have been here, Pearl. It’s all right.’
‘It’s not,’ I say, and I start to cry again. ‘I don’t want to stay.’ My voice is getting louder and Elizabeth looks up the steps towards the light above.
‘Shh, now. Papa S must not hear you cry. And Nature is hearing every word.’ Then she puts down the lantern once again and turns to go up the steps.
I can’t move. Something holds me to the ground. I want to run after Elizabeth, pull her back, to escape, but I just watch as she goes up towards the air. The last thing I see is her blonde hair as she quickly lowers the trapdoor. It shuts with a muffled thud.
Faintly, I can hear Elizabeth scrabbling about with the leaves. Then I hear a dragging of something heavy. She must be pushing the wooden Worship Chair back over the top.
Every part of me wants to scream. Every nerve, every cell, wants to run up the steps and bang on that wooden door and scream until my lungs burn. But I don’t. I know that Nature is watching me. And Papa S will know.
So I stand and stare at the flickering earth walls, with their overwhelming dank smell. I stand and stare at the mud above me and around me and under me. I stand and listen to the sound of my own breathing.
Surely she will be back soon?
The candle is burning down so slowly. I don’t want to move. The ground is cold through my trousers. I try to imagine that I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not.
Elizabeth does not come. The melting wax makes slippery shapes on the earth wall. The flame bulges and straightens, dancing in the silence.
I must have been here an hour, if not more. There’s no one above me. No one is coming. When the candle burns down, I will disappear into the darkness.
‘Elizabeth?’ I call out softly. Of course she can’t hear me. No one can hear me. There’s no one there.
My stomach is starting to hurt with hunger, a rumbling pain. It’s something I’ve barely felt before. At Seed, no one is hungry. There is always food, there is always drink.
‘Thank you, Nature,’ I whisper. I kiss my palm, press it flat into the earth. It’s bumpy against my skin. I imagine how deep the earth goes beneath me.
Kate and Jack will notice I’m gone. They will ask about me.
I close my eyes. It can’t be long now.
But I’m finding it difficult to breathe. What if those pipes don’t work? What if they’re blocked and I slowly run out of air? My breath is sticking in my throat. It’s got nowhere to go. Am I going to suffocate? Is this how I am going to die?
‘Help me, Nature,’ I say. She must hear me, because there’s a rustling of leaves above my head, a heavy scraping of the Worship Chair. And as the door is lifted, the sunlight floods in so sharply that I have to cover my eyes.
I am free. So I start to move towards the steps, just as Elizabeth comes down to get me. She is carrying something. When she reaches the bottom, she takes off the cloth covering it. It is a bowl of soup. A spoon and a chunk of bread sink into it.
‘I must be quick,’ Elizabeth says, her voice hushed as she puts the bowl on the floor.
‘But I’m coming with you,’ I reply.
‘I’ll be back in the morning. Just after sunrise.’ She tries to hug me, but I grab at her hands.
‘No, Elizabeth, you can’t leave me here.’ I’m crying, sudden and startling in the quiet circle of earth.
‘Think of the rewards, Pearl. You will have a healthy womb. And when Papa S says it is the right time, you will have children.’
‘No.’ I’m trying to stay calm. ‘No, I can’t stay here.’
‘You must.’ She’s trying to peel my hands away.
‘I’ll die if you leave me. I can’t breathe in here, Elizabeth.’ I want her to look at me. I want her to understand, but she wants to go back up the stairs. She’s trying to get away.
‘Pearl, you must let me go,’ she says quietly. Then she looks at me with those eyes of clover green. ‘Nature will protect you. There’s no harm that can come to you here. You are privileged.’ Elizabeth finally frees her hands and kisses me on the head. ‘You are safe, Pearl, you are loved.’ Then she rushes up the steps. I reach for the material of her skirt, but she’s gone.
The trapdoor has closed out the sunlight. There’s just the silence and me. Somewhere, there are beetles burrowing, but I can’t hear them. All I can hear is the sound of my short breaths and my heart thudding in the cramped air.
I kneel down and reach for the bowl of soup. The smell of it should make my mouth water, but as I bring the spoon to my lips, I feel sick. Still, I force it into my mouth, feel its warmth in my chest. It helps the ache in my stomach and so I gently scrape until every last drop has gone.
The smell of the ancient mud finds me once more. It creeps into my nose and slides down inside me.
I close my eyes and start to count. One, two, three. On and on. But the panic is rising again. Breathe, Pearl, breathe. Trust in Elizabeth. I focus on her smile, on the baby growing in her. Will I have a brother or a sister? I hope for a brother. If it’s a girl, she will be forced into this hole. And I couldn’t sit by, knowing that she is here.
I will think of the baby. Each little finger. Each little toe. Think about Papa S and all that he gives us. Now I am a woman, maybe I can be his Companion. I imagine his hand in mine. I’m getting cold, but he will keep me warm.
I must sleep.
*
Somewhere there is music. And someone is singing, quietly. I open my eyes to blackness and silence. I am in the earth and the candle has burnt itself out. I move onto my knees as I sweep around with my hands. There’s nothing but the rough, damp mud. Then my fingers hit the bottom of what must be the steps and I stumble up them. At the top I feel the closed trapdoor. If I’m desperate enough, I’ll be able to open it. I push it with all my strength. I push it until I feel like my wrists will snap in two. But it doesn’t move.
I
