me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: You’re wrong
Excuse you, but you WISH you were that famous. It has not been watched by millions of people, only a few thousand. Let me check and I can tell you the precise –.
WHOA. It’s had almost two million views! That’s gone up really fast in the last hour.
Do you know what that means? Almost two million people have seen you stuck in a plant pot!
This is the best day of my life.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You’re wrong
I am never leaving the Hoover cupboard again. I don’t care how hard Dad is trying to tempt me out with that plate of duck pancakes he’s left right outside the door. I can smell it. He’s even shut Dog in the kitchen so he can’t get them. He thinks he’s so clever. HA.
Clearly he does not know me very well if he thinks that I would be tempted out of hiding by some stupid duck pancakes.
Honestly, I have more self-respect than that. This is all his fault in the first place, anyway. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be the laughing stock of the ENTIRE country right now.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: What?!
Explain to me how this is your dad’s fault?
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: HELLO
Are you there? I sent that last email almost fifteen minutes ago. Why don’t you just answer your mobile? You’re so useless with your phone.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: HELLO
Sorry about the delay there, I was just rearranging my cushions. If I’m going to be stuck in here for the rest of my life, this cupboard has to be comfy.
I can’t answer my phone because I’ve turned it off. I’ve had a crazy amount of calls and texts from people asking me to explain the plant pot situation and the beeping was driving me insane.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: I’m on to you
You went out to get the duck pancakes, didn’t you?
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I’m on to you
Absolutely not. What do you take me for? I am not that weak. Please. Have some faith.
Like I said, I was arranging cushions.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Stop your lies
Sure. I bet your dad blocked the door with his foot when you reached out to get the duck pancakes, so you were forced to talk to him for a bit. Is that why you took fifteen minutes to reply?
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Stop your lies
No. I was arranging cushions. Then I replied to your email.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Stop your lies
I just got this text from your dad:
‘Hi Jess, Nick Huntley here. Anna is refusing to come out of the Hoover cupboard again. Can you try talking to her? She’s eaten the duck pancakes I left out for her. I talked to her but she tried to slam the door on my foot. N.’
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Stop your lies
What’s your point?
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: You’re ridiculous
Tell me why you think this is your dad’s fault.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You’re ridiculous
HELLO. Obviously it’s his fault.
