school, out of tune and with no backing music.
7. Fallen backwards into a plant pot, the video of which has now gone viral.
So yeah, you could say that Dad’s surprise, very public engagement hadn’t really helped my personal and emotional growth as a teenager.
And yes, it was pretty annoying of him to choose to have the party in Helena’s house rather than a super-cool exclusive club somewhere in London. I mean, come on, he’s marrying the most famous actress in the world and where do they choose to have their engagement party? At her home.
If you ask me, it’s disappointing.
But still. I guess it wasn’t not technically his fault that I fell into the plant pot. I don’t even blame Helena for having Dracaena Lisa plants in her house. Some people might think them an unnecessary decoration for a hallway. And yes, some people might perhaps have thought to move them away from a space that guests might be gathering in.
But I have decided to overlook this lack of judgement. For my humiliation there really is only one person to blame: the person who invented sausage rolls.
I told Jess this.
‘You’re blaming sausage rolls?’
‘No. Just the person who invented them,’ I stated. ‘I tried looking it up online. There’s no one listed specifically, but I bet it was someone who owned a cat.’
Jess, for some reason, looked confused. ‘What do cats have to do with anything? And why are we talking about sausage rolls?’
‘Because,’ I explained to her wearily, ‘that’s the whole reason we’re in this mess in the first place!’
At the party, I had been happily listening to Marianne Montaine, my It Girl soon-to-be stepsister, wax lyrical about her hugely famous rock star boyfriend Tom Kyzer. But Dad forced me to come with him so he could introduce me to some of his old-person author friends. They weren’t talking about interesting things like rock stars, either, just history and politics, which no one cares about really.
Luckily I spotted a waiter milling around with a platter of sausage rolls and an escape plan formed in my mind. ‘Sorry,’ I excused myself to no one in particular. ‘I’m going to go get a sausage roll.’
The waiter had sped back towards the kitchen, though, so I followed him. But as I looked back over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching, he came back out with another big tray of sausage rolls. I swerved to avoid him, he yelped, I got scared by the yelp, lost my balance and fell back into the plant pot.
Jess blinked at me. ‘And now you have a thing against sausage rolls?’
‘The inventor of sausage rolls. The sausage rolls themselves were not at fault.’
‘Well, it’s a great story that makes no sense,’ Jess nodded. ‘Now can we get out of this cubicle? There really is not enough space in here for both of us.’
‘But there are people out there.’
‘Yeah, and I’m sure they’re all desperate to hear the sausage-roll-plant-pot story.’
‘Jess, be serious. It’s all over the Internet. Everyone will be laughing at me. Again.’
‘I’m sure they won’t laugh. And if they do I’ll tell them off.’
‘Promise?’
‘Yes.’
‘OK, then,’ I gave in. Jess opened the cubicle door and squeezed herself behind it while I shuffled nervously out towards the sink and checked the coast was clear. She followed me.
‘Much better,’ she sighed, putting her bag down again so she could run her fingers through her hair in front of the mirror. ‘Now, what was I saying?’
As she spoke the door swung open and two girls from a couple of years below us came in chatting excitedly. They stopped as they saw us and then one of them hurriedly reached into her backpack, pulling out a notepad. ‘Hi Anna,’ she squeaked, coming nearer. ‘Can you sign this for me?’
Jess smiled at me encouragingly. This girl couldn’t be one of the four million people who had seen the plant-pot video.
‘Of course,’ I said in my most sophisticated voice, taking the pink sparkly pen that she offered and doing a swirly AH on the page.
‘Thanks!’ she giggled. ‘You getting stuck in the plant pot was really funny.’
I shot a look at Jess. I was very much ready for this girl to get told off.
‘It was hilarious, wasn’t it?’ Jess squealed – then she saw my face and stopped abruptly. ‘But, er, not that funny.’
I pursed my lips and then, head held high, swept past the two girls out of the bathroom. As the door swung back I heard the first girl say, ‘I’m putting this on eBay.’
‘OK, so that wasn’t the best telling-off I’ve given,’ Jess admitted as she walked beside me along the corridor, ‘but from now on I will be seriously cross if anyone even dares mention plant pots.’ She patiently waited while I fiddled around with the code on my locker.
‘Hey, anyone got any spare plant pots?’
I didn’t give Danny the satisfaction of turning round.
‘No, Danny,’ Jess said sternly. ‘That’s not OK.’
‘Hey,’ he responded defensively. ‘You’re the one who told me that you’ve sent the video to your relatives in Canada.’
I looked at Jess accusingly. She held up her hands. ‘That has definitely not happened. I have definitely not sent it to my four relatives in Canada and also a random second cousin in New Zealand.’
‘Cheer up,’ Danny said happily, giving me a nudge. ‘It’ll blow over.’
‘Can it blow over quickly?’ I hissed, my eyes darting towards a group of students with their eyes glued to a phone. They burst into laughter and looked up at me.
‘You have way more important things to care about,’ Jess said, a smile slowly expanding across her face. ‘Like your boyfriend.’
I blushed furiously. ‘Connor is not my boyfriend.’
‘Maybe not yet, but you’re a great match,’ Jess said matter-of-factly. ‘You’re both kind of weird.’
‘Did you see him lots over the holidays?’ Danny asked as Jess ruffled his blond curls. He swatted her off.
‘A little,’ I said quietly, looking round to make sure he wasn’t there. I still didn’t know how Connor, the super-gorgeous, comic-drawing, perfect-in-every-way boy who made my hands go clammy just by smiling, still seemed to like me despite all the ridiculous things I had done last term. Well, I thought he still liked me . . . ‘We saw some films.’
‘Aaaaand?’ Jess asked.
‘And what?’
She
