to a doctor or dentist for “check-ups” when there was nothing major wrong.
So, rather than putting people into categories of good/bad, right/wrong, it can be helpful to look at the concept of “spoiling” along a continuum. Certainly, Ethan would have been on the outer edge of our modern spoiling analysis, but in historical terms, so were we and so would our children be. But when does spoiling cross the line? At what point does a little spoiling and protecting of children go too far and risk doing real damage?
THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL
In 2019, over 50 people were charged in a multimillion-dollar scheme revolving around William “Rick” Singer, a college admissions consultant.2 It was alleged that, for a fee, Rick would help your child get admitted into a prestigious university. Reportedly, Rick had a network of people inside many of these universities, including one or more college athletic coaches and admissions administrators who could help facilitate the admissions either directly or indirectly. The network also involved admissions exam proctors, who in some cases changed students' answers to increase their scores.
His services allegedly also arranged for creating fake academic and athletic student profiles of participation to help gain admissions, sometimes working directly with athletic coaches and officials inside the universities. Of course, cooperation and help with admissions came at a price, depending on the university desired and how much help was needed.
There were several celebrity cases that were heavily featured surrounding this scandal. For example, actress Lori Loughlin and her fashion designer husband Mossimo Giannulli allegedly paid over $500,000 to Rick so that their two children could gain admission to University of Southern California (USC) as student-athlete rowers, even though neither were rowing athletes.
In another case, actress Felicity Huffman paid $15,000, disguised as a charitable donation, to increase her daughter's SAT scores post-exam. There were other stories like these reported, where there were bribes, corruption within the admissions system, and test-taking integrity was compromised. To date, none of the students were charged, as their parents were seen as the “principal actors” in these cases.
After sentencing, Huffman confessed, “I am deeply sorry to the students, parents, and colleges impacted by my actions. I am sorry to my daughters and my husband. I have betrayed them all.” Huffman said her daughter asked why she didn't believe in her. “I had no answer,” Huffman said. “I can only say I'm so sorry. I was frightened, I was stupid, and I was so wrong. I am deeply ashamed of what I have done. I have done more damage than I could ever imagine. I realize now with my mothering that love and truth go hand in hand. I take full responsibility for my actions.”3
Many were quick to pile on and condemn the actions of Huffman and others who were clearly trying to game the system to give their children an advantage. After all, isn't it totally unfair and outrageous? Not only is it cheating, it also seems to be the worst kind, where wealthy people use their advantage to elevate their children at the expense of people who couldn't afford to hire college admission consultants—let alone one who had the ability to game the system. This feeds into the worst stereotypes of the wealthy and famous.
However, ask yourself this question: If you were able to help your child get into an “elite” university, would you do it? Set aside the cheating aspect for a moment. If you had the money to do it, would you hire tutors and/or a college admissions consultant if you thought it would help your child have a better life?
It's easy to say that you wouldn't go to the extent that Huffman and others went. If she could go back in time, she would almost certainly make a different choice too. But what if a consultant told you that's what all the other wealthy people are doing? What if he sold you on the idea that the other children your child was competing with were also receiving similar advantages, and if you didn't do the same, you would be hurting your child's chances at a better future.
Parents will go to dramatic lengths to provide a better, happier, and safer life for their children. Many would sacrifice their lives for their children, not to mention their time and money. If it seemed like there was no other way, many of us would be tempted to become involved in questionable or even illegal acts if we felt it would give our children a leg up in life. Many of us might be tempted even if it involved illegal acts. Put aside these more dramatic stories for a moment and consider the impact that too much family support can have on the development of a child. What happens when parents go too far?
MONEY IS A POWERFUL REINFORCER
Money is a powerful reinforcer. In psychological terms, a reinforcer is anything that increases the likelihood that a specific behavior will occur. For example, when you promise a child a cookie if he or she eats all the vegetables on the plate, it will likely increase the chances that the child will eat all of the vegetables. As such, the cookie is a reinforcer since it increases the vegetable-eating behavior. In many ways, money is like this cookie.
For most people, there are days when we are just not looking forward to going to work. Perhaps it's cold outside and your bed is so comfy and warm. Perhaps you're tired, you've got a hangover, or you would rather just go hiking. So what makes you push through your resistance and go to work even though it would feel so much better to play hooky? The answer lies in the powerful reinforcing nature of money.
When you think about it, money is incredible! You can trade it for food, shelter, and warmth. You can use it to adorn yourself in beautiful attire and to display your relative status to attract and secure a mate. You can use it to provide safety for you and your family. You can use it in the service of your most important values. For many people across the world and throughout history, having money was often a matter of life or death. So we want money. We need money. And for most of us, the more money the better.
HUMANS ARE LAZY
Human beings are lazy. We are designed for the conservation of resources. Consider the example of muscle building. Building muscle is an easy concept that requires two ingredients: muscle overload and being hyper caloric. Essentially, you take whatever muscle you want to grow, and you give it more than it can handle. Then you eat more calories than you need. Then your body makes the muscles bigger. Repeat this process and you can become a muscle-bound freak. But muscles take energy to maintain, so the moment you stop loading the muscle with weight, your body takes that energy back to use elsewhere and the muscle atrophies. Essentially, if the resources aren't needed to get the job done, then the body self-corrects in favor of atrophy.
Psychologically, humans are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Inevitably, work becomes difficult or boring and becomes a source of pain, while non-work activities can hold the promise of pleasure. So unless we are properly motivated and reinforced for our work efforts, just like a muscle that is no longer needed to carry a heavy load, our motivation to work at tasks that can be painful will naturally atrophy in favor of activities that require less effort and provide more immediate pleasure.
Money acts as a powerful reinforcer to help us push through the inevitable discomfort we experience at work. It keeps us getting up and doing our job even on those days when we would rather be golfing or fishing. The promise of pay increases may further reinforce keeping us focused and engaged.
What happens when we get a cookie whether we eat our vegetables or not? Or what happens if you get a cookie for NOT eating your vegetables? What happens when we get money for nothing; when we get paid for not going into work? What happens when we get money whether we put ourselves in challenging, uncomfortable, or painful situations or not? If you would get paid the same amount whether you slept in on Monday and then spent the day doing your favorite activity or dragged yourself out of bed early and worked an eight-hour day at your job, which would you choose?
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