20 to see how you can help your child overcome her anxiety.
It’s the world’s fault!
The world today moves at a faster pace than ever, and the workweek has gradually inched upward rather than the other way around. Modern life is filled with both complexity and danger. Perhaps that’s why mental health workers see more people with anxiety-related problems than ever before. Four specific types of events can trigger a problem with anxiety, even in someone who has never suffered from it much before:
Unanticipated threats: Predictability and stability counteract anxiety; uncertainty and chaos fuel it. For example, Calvin works long hours to make a decent living. Nevertheless, he lives from paycheck to paycheck with little left for savings. A freak slip on an icy patch of sidewalk disables him for six weeks, and he has insufficient sick leave to cover his absence. He now worries obsessively over his ability to pay bills. Even when he returns to work, he worries more than ever about the next financial booby trap that awaits him.
Escalating demands: Having too much responsibility piled on your plate can make you anxious. Jake initially thinks that nothing is better than a promotion when his supervisor hands him a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to direct the new high-risk research and development division at work. Jake never expected such a lofty position or the doubling of his salary this early in his career. Of course, new duties, expectations, and responsibilities come along for the ride. Jake now begins to fret and worry. What if he fails to meet the challenge? Anxiety starts taking over his life.
Confidence killers: Unexpected criticisms and rejections can certainly trigger anxiety. Tricia is on top of the world. She has a good job and feels ecstatic about her upcoming wedding. However, she is stunned when her fiancé backs out of the proposal. Now, she worries incessantly that something is wrong with her; perhaps she’ll never have the life she envisioned for herself.
Major threats: No one ever wants to experience a horrifying or even life-threatening experience. Unfortunately, these bitter pills do happen. Horrific accidents, acts of terrorism, pandemics, natural disasters, battlefield injuries, and violence have occurred for centuries, and we suspect they always will. When they do, severe problems with anxiety often emerge. Thus, survivors of tsunamis often have residual anxiety for years because of the totally unexpected nature of the event.
Finding Self-Acceptance
Time and again, we see our worried, tense clients suffer from another needless source of pain. Their anxiety is bad enough, but they also pound on themselves because they have anxiety. Such self-abuse involves harsh, critical judgments. If you do this to yourself, we suggest that you try the following approach to self-acceptance.
Did I ask for my anxiety?
Was there ever a time in my life that I actually wanted to feel anxious?
Am I primarily to blame for my worries?
What percentage of the blame can I realistically assign to myself as opposed to genes, parenting, and events, both old and new?
If a couple of friends of mine had troubles with anxiety, what would I say to them?Would I think they were to blame?Would I think as ill of them as I do myself?
Does thinking badly about myself help me to get over my anxiety?
If I decided to stop pummeling myself, would I have more energy for tackling my problems?
These questions can help you move toward self-acceptance and discover that having anxiety has nothing to do with your worth or value as a human being. Then, you just might lighten up on yourself a little. We recommend it highly. Mind you, people get down on themselves at times. But chronic, unrelenting self-abuse is another matter. If you find yourself completely unable to let go of self-abuse, you may want to seek professional help (see the related section at the end of this chapter). You can read more about self-acceptance in Chapter 8.
ANXIETY AMONG THE RICH AND FAMOUS
So many of our clients seem to think that they’re the only people in the world who struggle with anxiety. But we let them know that many millions of Americans suffer from anxiety. Perhaps you won’t feel quite so alone if you consider some of the famous people throughout history who’ve suffered from one or more of the various anxiety disorders discussed in this book.
Reportedly, Albert Einstein and Eleanor Roosevelt both suffered from fears of social situations. Further, Charles Darwin eventually became a virtual hermit because of his disabling agoraphobia (see Chapter 2). Robert Frost also battled anxiety.
Prince Harry went against royal tradition and admitted to having problems with mental health, including panic attacks. After losing his mother at the age of 12, he attempted to avoid suffering by failing to deal with stress and trauma in his life. Unfortunately, avoidance usually just makes anxiety worse, and it did for Prince Harry, until he sought professional help. Revealing his own struggles was a brave act, and he now works to encourage others to seek help for their emotional difficulties. Finally, a search on the internet shows you that hundreds of celebrities reputedly suffer from all kinds of severe problems with anxiety. Use a search engine and type in “famous people and anxiety.” You’ll be surprised by what you discover. But be aware that the internet is also full of foolish, incorrect information. So, view what you find with a critical eye.
Gavin’s story illustrates how reviewing the causes of your anxiety, followed by asking yourself those important questions, can help you acquire self-acceptance.
Gavin has developed panic disorder gradually over the past couple of years. His attacks of feeling breathless, nauseous, dizzy, and thinking he’s going crazy have increased recently. He feels shame that someone like him has this problem. When he starts having panic attacks at work, he seeks help. He tells his psychologist that a real man would never have this kind of problem. His psychologist helps Gavin to be more self-forgiving. He asks Gavin to write down the causes of his anxiety. He tells him to thoroughly review his life
