4-1 shows what Gavin comes up with.
By reviewing the causes of his anxiety and asking himself the questions listed earlier in this section, Gavin moves from self-abuse to self-acceptance. Now he’s ready to work on overcoming his anxiety.
TABLE 4-1 Gavin’s Anxiety Causes
| Possible Genetic Influences | Parenting | Events: Old and New |
|---|---|---|
| My Aunt Mary hardly ever leaves her house. Maybe she has something like I do. | Well, my father had quite an unpredictable temper. I never knew when he’d blow. | When I was 6, we had a terrible car accident, and I spent three days in the hospital. I was very scared. |
| My mother is very high-strung. | My mother’s moods bounced all over the place. I could never tell how she’d react when I asked her for something. | My middle school was in a terrible neighborhood. Gangs ruled. I had to look over my shoulder at every turn. |
| My cousin Margarite seems very shy. Maybe she has a lot of anxiety. | My first marriage ended when I caught my wife cheating. Even though I trust my new wife, I worry too much about her faithfulness. | |
| My brother worries all the time. He seems totally stressed. | Two years ago, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I worry a lot about my health. |
Having Second Thoughts about Change
Clearly, no one likes feeling anxious, tense, and nervous, and sometimes anxiety climbs to such heights that it overwhelms personal resources and the capacity to cope. Chronic, severe anxiety not infrequently serves as a prelude to serious depression. Obviously, anyone experiencing this torment would jump at the chance to do something about it.
With good intentions, people buy self-help books, attend workshops, and even seek therapy. They fully intend to make meaningful changes in their lives. But have you ever gone to a health club in January? It’s packed with new, enthusiastic members. By mid-March, health clubs return to normal. Like so many New Year’s resolutions, the initial burst of resolve too often fades. What happens to all that determination? Folks generally think they’ve simply lost their willpower. Actually, interfering thoughts creep into their minds and steal their motivation. They start to think that they don’t have the time or the money or that they can get in shape later. Such thoughts seduce them into abandoning their goals.
Thoughts about abandoning your quest to overcome anxiety may disrupt your efforts at some point. If so, the first step involves identifying the thoughts that are streaming through your mind. The next step is to fight off these counterproductive thoughts; we give you strategies for doing just that in the following section. But first, here are our top ten excuses for staying stuck:
Number 10: Anxiety isn’t really that big a problem for me. I thought it was when I bought this book, but my anxiety isn’t as bad as some of the people I’ve been reading about. Maybe it’s not that big a deal.
Number 9: If I try and fail, I’ll make a fool of myself. My friends and family would think I was stupid to even try.
Number 8: My anxiety feels too overwhelming to tackle. I just don’t know if I could handle the additional stress of even thinking about it.
Number 7: I’m afraid of trying and not getting anywhere. That would make me feel even worse than if I did nothing at all. I’d feel like a failure.
Number 6: Feelings can’t really be controlled. You’re just fooling yourself if you think otherwise. You feel the way you feel.
Number 5: I’ll do something about my anxiety when I feel the motivation. Right now, I don’t really feel like it. I’m sure the motivation will come; I just have to wait for it.
Number 4: Who would I be without my anxiety? That’s just who I am. I’m an anxious person; it’s just me.
Number 3: I don’t believe I can really change. After all, I’ve been this way my entire life. Books like this one don’t work anyway.
Number 2: I’m too busy to do anything about my anxiety. These activities look like they take time. I could never work it into my hectic schedule.
And the number 1 reason people stay stuck: I’m too anxious to do anything about my anxiety. Whenever I think about confronting my anxiety, it makes me even more anxious. Why bother?
Look over our preceding list several times. Mull over each excuse and circle any that seem familiar or reasonable to you. Agreeing with any of these will hinder your progress. Now, we have some ways for you to challenge these excuses, no matter how reasonable they may seem.
Deciding to Get the Show on the Road
If any of our top ten excuses for staying stuck (see the preceding section) resonate with you, then your decision to overcome anxiety is not stable. Those thoughts can sabotage your best intentions. Don’t underestimate their power.
The next two sections show you a couple of strategies for helping you turn your intentions into actions.
Arguing with your arguments
Does my excuse presume a catastrophe is coming?
Am I exaggerating the truth?
Can I find any evidence that would contradict my excuse?
Can I think of people to whom my excuse doesn’t apply? And if it doesn’t apply to them, why should it apply to me?
Am I trying to predict the future with negative thinking when no one can ever know the future?
Using those questions to guide your effort, jot down the best arguments you can for picking your excuses apart. The following example of Miguel shows how he attacked his most
