school, and leaving home are all examples of changes that affect the family and its members.
Each of the models we will study approaches the process of change somewhat differently. All of them contribute something to an understanding of how change occurs and how people adapt to changes in their lives. For now, however, let me use Satir’s description of the process of change to orient us to what can happen in family counseling. Satir believed that the patterns and routines people create to make their lives functional achieve a kind of normalcy she called the family’s status quo. People tend to stay in their patterns and routines until their lives are disrupted by an outside force she called a foreign element. It is the disruption of our patterns and routines that sends both the family and its members into chaos, the feeling that comes with being disoriented and unable to focus. In chaos, everything seems overwhelming, unsafe, and out of balance. If people are able to regain a sense of balance and safety, if they are able to right themselves and feel their feet back on the ground, they often are able to create or discover new possibilities, to change course, or to adapt. Whatever works will, over time, become a new integration, a new set of patterns and routines, and a new status quo (Pelonis, 2002; Satir & Baldwin, 1983; Satir et al., 1991).
Of course, family practitioners tend to meet families when they are in chaos. The family may want to make major decisions in an effort to reduce the pain of the problems they face, but this is usually a mistake. In the beginning, exploration is usually a much more important intervention than problem-solving. Discovering who the people are and why they are seeking help provides focus as well as goals for counseling. I believe the single most important thing that you can do when a family is in chaos is stay present and listen. The first tasks of family practice are almost always to form a relationship with the family and begin an assessment. Monica McGoldrick (2016), for example, is highly effective at using genograms as an avenue to forming an exploratory relationship with couples and families (see McGoldrick, 2018).
Although the ultimate end of counseling may be the facilitation of change, each model will have different ways of achieving that end. In the chapters that follow, you will read about change processes that involve coaching, nurturing, sculpting, educating, experiencing, enacting, directing and indirecting, focusing on solutions, coconstructing preferred outcomes, and even training for more effective living. Almost none of the models we will study advocate change for the sake of change. The ends these approaches seek may be varied in description and process, but there are some general guidelines:
It is better for families to rediscover their connections than to be left in disarray and disengagement.
It is better to remove constrictions from systems and allow people to experience life more fully than to leave them in protective states.
It is better for systems to be organized than disorganized.
It is better for communication to be open, congruent, and responsive than to be closed, defensive, or dismissive.
It is better to say what we think and feel about things that matter than to be lost in silence.
It is better to set limits, define a bottom line, and clarify what we can do and give than to be controlled by others.
It is better for people to think rationally than irrationally.
It is better to know than not to know.
It is better for people to feel something than to feel nothing at all.
It is better for people to act and take a chance than to become immobilized or constricted.
It is better to have goals and hope than to be discouraged.
It is better to have access to a greater number of internal parts than just a few.
It is better to be appreciative of one’s gender, culture, and ethnicity than to reject it or be cut off from it.
It is better for people to risk optimism, faith, and courage than to live in fear.
Of course, there are exceptions to every one of these generalities. But taken together, they point toward growth, development, organization, meaningfulness, increased opportunities, wider and varied experiences, and augmented capacities and strengths. Which of these guidelines might inform your goals in working with families? Are there additional guidelines you could offer? Are there some that do not fit for you at all? Envisioning where you are going with a family is essential to getting there.
Beginning Your Work as a Couples or Family Practitioner
There are actually some people who seem to be born counselors when they are working with individuals. Such people listen extremely well, bring a focused interest to most of their therapeutic relationships, and have what appears to be a natural capacity for expressing empathy. However, we all tend to have difficulties when we first start working with families. Listening well to family members without paying attention to family process can actually get us lost. Disorganized families often seem chaotic. Learning to think and work systemically is not easy: It takes time and practice.
The first family you see will probably be in a practicum or internship, and you will be under supervision. Being observed when you see your first family is often an added distraction, but it is also an essential safeguard for you and the family. It is not uncommon for the concerns, issues, and problems in the family to trigger unresolved, unfinished, or unaddressed issues in your own relationships. Knowing that you have an experienced practitioner backing you up can help turn your initial anxiety into excitement. Here are a few guidelines that may support your development as a family practitioner.
Getting Started
It is normal to feel a little anxious when you go to meet your first family. It may help you to remember that the family is probably nervous too. So are all of your fel low practicum students or interns. Start with your courage. You have met people before, and you know how to bring forth your interest, your friendliness, and your warmth. Think about what you do when you want to welcome someone into your home. The same qualities will serve you well when you meet families for the first time. Take a deep breath and use your eyes and ears to really take in each person.
At first, be willing to listen and engage the family without having to change it. Be patient. If you get too concerned about what theories or techniques might inform your work, you will lose contact with the family. Start by being as fully present as possible. Ask yourself what you are hearing and what you are seeing. Respond empathically. Let each person know that you hear and understand them. You can trust things to unfold.
Have the Courage to Be Imperfect
“The courage to be imperfect” is a phrase coined by Sofie Lazersfeld and used extensively by Rudolf Dreikurs and other Adlerians (Terner & Pew, 1978). This kind of courage comes from accepting ourselves as human beings who are not perfect and who make mistakes. Effective counselors often trust their intuition or make guesses and observations that they hope will be useful in family work. Reasonable risks are part of the work we do. They are also the foundation for the mistakes we make. If you are going to learn to be an effective family practitioner, you are going to make mistakes. They cannot be avoided. Having the courage to be imperfect is having the courage to be human—and to be ourselves. It is having the courage to be wrong and admit error; to experience the disagreement of others; and to reconsider and correct faulty impressions, interpretations, or the language of our interventions.
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