Work
Much of the coursework you will have before you see your first family will have addressed your personal development and the way you think about and conceptualize family process. When you start to practice family counseling, you will begin what I hope will be a lifelong commitment to skills development. Nothing will serve this process more than recording as much of your work as possible. Be willing to spend the hours necessary to watch your sessions and reflect on what worked well for you and what you want to change in the future.
It may take you a few times to get beyond being concerned about the way you look or the way your voice sounds, but even these observations can begin to give you some information about what works and what does not. Be patient with yourself and just notice what you actually do: This will also help you be patient with families. What you actually do in family practice will say more about your family practice than what you think you should be doing. What underlying beliefs and values seem to be the foundations for the choices you make in your work? How do family members respond to you and to your interventions? What goals and objectives seem to be present in your efforts? Studying your own work will make the difference between one day having 20 years of experience or having 1 year of experience 20 times over. If you would like some guidance in how to study your own work, I highly recommend the work of Tony Rousmaniere (2017) on deliberate practice.
Cultivate Silence and Reflection
Dealing with silence can sometimes be one of the hardest things for new practitioners to learn. We are used to conversational engagement, and we may have a desire to fill gaps with any comments that come to mind. Silence in our clients can be a sign that they are thinking about themselves or others in the family, are thinking about what just occurred in the session, or simply do not know what to say. Silences in family work tend not to last very long, but they can feel twice as long as they are in actual time.
Learn to Tolerate Quiet Times
Use quiet time to observe and to reflect. What has just been happening? What are the people in the room feeling? Who is doing what with whom? What are you feeling at this moment in time? You do not want your reflections to distract you from staying present, but with practice you will be able to check in with yourself without losing contact with the family.
Most of us reflect on our work after the session is over. I encourage family practitioners to write their reflections in a journal as a regular part of their practice. Think about what happened in the session. What were you feeling and experiencing? What did you consider saying that went unsaid? What did you say or do that you wish you had not or that needed better timing? What issues came up for you? How do they relate to your own family or relational experiences? What part of your self-reflection would be important to discuss with your supervisor or peers? Is there anything in your reflections that you think would be useful to share with the family? Keeping a journal of these reflections is one way to mark your growth and development over the span of your career.
Think About Your Evolving Role as a Family Practitioner
One of your most important reflections will be on your evolving role as a family practitioner. What does it mean to you to be a family counselor? What do the processes and activities in your work say about you as a professional? As you read about the different theories and models of family counseling, you will have to consider a wide range of roles and functions. Some roles will include directive interventions; some will be more collaborative. Some roles will focus on assessment of dysfunction and change; some will focus on strengths and resiliency. Some will be interested in communication and meaning; others will be primarily interested in behaviors. Which of these roles and functions are a good fit for you?
Salvador Minuchin suggested that his role as a family therapist evolved over more than 30 years of practice (S. Minuchin & Zeig, 2005b). He was not the same structural family therapist at the end of his career as he first described in the 1970s. His style and process changed as he grew older. He learned from the families he interviewed, and he learned from his peers. He noted that he “copied” many aspects of style from fellow therapists like Carl Whitaker, Jay Haley, and Michael White. When he copied these people, he may have borrowed a way of phrasing a question, giving a directive, or engaging certain family members, but he used these interventions “with a Spanish accent”; that is, he integrated new and different styles and made them his own.
You cannot define your professional role once and for all. It will evolve and change depending on the clients with whom you work, the services you provide, the location and setting of your practice, and the training and collaborations in which you engage. My own work has led me to a belief in encouragement, a focus on strength and resiliency in families, the dismantling of constraints and restrictions, and the facilitation of change through enactments and the development of new experiences.
Develop a Sense of Humor
A sense of humor is one of the most important tools that a family practitioner can have. A sense of humor starts with our capacity for enjoyment and enriches human contact. The work that we do is important. It requires that we approach it in a responsible manner, and it often starts with matters that need our most serious attention. Still, nothing is serious forever, and humor and laughter, when appropriate and well timed, can lighten relational encounters and add an almost transcendent perspective. In this sense, real humor never puts anyone down. Like laughter, it lifts us up and invites us closer. Humor reminds us that we are not alone—that we have a common humanity. Having a sense of humor is probably the greatest safeguard against therapist fatigue and burnout.
Consider Collaborative Practice
The different approaches we will study in this book will present a wide range of therapeutic relational stances. Some will be exploratory in nature; others will be nurturing. Some will see the therapist as a coach, and others will approach family process as a conductor or a director. Still others will engage families in play. The distinctive styles of the masters of family therapy can be both magical and entertaining. Although it is important for each person to find and develop an individualized style, professional styles will change many times over the course of a career. Even the most innovative masters of therapy tended to approach their first family sessions carefully, allowing themselves time to observe and learn. I think this is a good way for most new practitioners to start.
Enter into your first family sessions from a position of respect. Let the family members you meet instruct you about their lives together. Start with interest, friendliness, and observation, the tools of an explorer. Do not rush the process of change. Even if you are limited to only one session lasting 1 hour, spend 45 minutes getting to know the family and its members. Consider the possibility that the family really does know what it needs and that its members can share in the process of setting goals for your work together. Consider the possibility that family members have many, if not all, of the resources they need to handle the challenges they face. Inviting families to be partners in the experience of counseling increases safety, reduces resistance, and leads to empowerment.
From such a foundation of respect, it is possible over time to integrate other skills, techniques, and interventions. It is not uncommon for even very experienced family practitioners to borrow skills and styles from one another. When I first started, I copied people I thought were effective, often using the very words and actions I had seen them use with their families. Some of the things I borrowed worked well for me too, and I made them part of my own style. Some things did not work so well, and I eventually let them go. Developing your own style involves trying things out, occasionally trusting your intuition, and experimenting with interventions. Innovation seeks what is fresh and lively, and its effectiveness is supported by the
