students how their day is going.
My granddaughter once said to me, "My favorite part of coming to your house is knowing you'll be waiting at the door to see us! How do you know exactly when we will be there?" In response, I said, "It's simple, Maeve. When you look forward to seeing someone—you know, that 'I can't wait' feeling—you make that foremost in your mind. I ask your parents to text me when you are close, and I wait at the door. I always greet my students at the door to let them know how excited I am to see them and that I care about them!"
And so I did—and I do. The truth? As a teacher, I couldn't wait to see most students, but I had to be there for all of them; so I was always at the door to greet them. In fact, some classes waited outside the door until I showed up to welcome them in. I did this every day, for every class. And it made a difference. For those who did not appear to be receptive, I was still there, smiling, saying, "Good morning" or "Hello" or just "Happy to see you!"
They were 5th graders. It was a tough school, a tough crowd. It was hard for me to believe that 11-year-olds could be scary—that is, until I stood before them. I was acting assistant principal when one of our 5th grade teachers divorced her husband, broke her contract, and moved away with her two kids. She had been struggling for months with her marriage and had used up all her sick days for mental health reasons and to see her attorney.
The students at this school came from backgrounds of generational poverty or broken homes or had a parent in prison. They had trusted this teacher, and slowly, over time, she had let them down, just as their parents had let them down. When she left, the students trusted no one and found yet again that they were alone in the world. They were angry. And we know that anger is the bodyguard of fear. They were afraid to trust. After several subs came and went, we decided that I would take over this class until the end of the year.
We were one month into the second semester. I stood at the door that first morning to shake their hands and say hello. Only 2 of the 24 students reciprocated with a handshake. Most looked at me blankly. One of the students, Jamail, said, "What are you doing here? Who's in trouble?"
After they all entered and were seated, I turned off the music I had playing. I explained that I was going to be their teacher and hoped that we could all work together to make the class and learning successful for everyone.
Every day I stood at the door to greet them and shake their hands. Every day the response was the same. I thought about giving up on the morning greeting. The students had felt abandoned; I was feeling rejected.
In time, the students responded somewhat to the brain-compatible learning strategies that I used. They began to feel more successful as they interacted with one another, worked in cooperative groups, and became more aware of others' feelings as well as their own. It was the social-emotional learning connection that made a difference.
After 17 mornings of my standing by the door to greet them, the "leader of the pack" reached out to shake my hand. Quinn, the best-dressed and cockiest student of all, shook my hand and echoed back my greeting when he said, "Good morning. I'm glad you're here today." Was he just mocking me? It didn't matter. At least it was a response!
After that, the other students slowly followed suit. What made the difference? It wasn't my persistence. It wasn't my smile. They didn't feel sorry for me because no one would respond. It was the fact that I was there—every day. I showed up. I couldn't dare be absent. They had to see that they could again count on someone.
No one has to explain to you how to greet a friend, but, after making eye contact and saying the person's name, you can make a greeting more powerful by doing one of the following:
Ask a question: What's your favorite ____? (You can ask about color, season, food, kind of pizza, animal, and so on.)
Make a request: I could use your help with a bulletin board. (Alternatives might include using an app, solving a problem, or taking attendance.)
Use nonverbal signals: These may include smiles, high fives, handshakes, hugs. (It took a long time before some students would let me touch them—particularly those who had been mistreated or abused in some way. Be patient and know that some students may never let you touch them.)
You Say Hello; You Say Goodbye
Welcoming students with a greeting is a great strategy, but saying goodbye can be just as important. Teachers in middle and high school may have difficulty with this, but leaving your last-period classroom and being in the hall when students are packing up at their lockers and heading out the door can be powerful. They will know that you care when you leave your desk and papers for a few minutes to say goodbye, remind them about an assignment, or tell them you look forward to seeing them tomorrow. That tough group of 5th graders softened up even more at the end of the day. Helping pack up a backpack, asking how their day was, and just saying, "See you tomorrow!" let them know I cared and would be there for them. It was a little sad yet heartwarming when a few of the kids leaving would ask, "See you tomorrow?"
Tell Your Story
One strategy that has been heavily researched is storytelling. As Burton (2019) tells us, our brain takes information and puts it in story form as it tries to make sense of the world. Research has uncovered the "chemical cocktail" that occurs in the brain when we listen to or read a story. First, dopamine is released as we derive pleasure from listening to the story. Small amounts of cortisol are released when there is some distress or uncertainty as "the plot thickens." Finally, oxytocin is released as we relate to the characters and learn the outcome. Dopamine is released again as a reward—that is, the satisfaction and pleasure derived from the solution to the problem or the outcome of the story.
What does storytelling have to do with relationships? Everything. It begins with your relationships with your students. Talking about yourself, your family, and your activities helps build rapport with your students. Involving them in a problem and asking them to help provides a solution that connects them to you.
For instance, in one large 6th grade class consisting of 32 students (21 boys and 11 girls), it wasn't easy to get to know each student quickly. Their teacher, Mrs. Tate, often began each day with a story relating to the content (history or literature) that would be covered that day, and she would try to put the students in the story. When they studied the Civil War, she might begin a story like this: "Imagine yourself wanting to join your friends to save your 'country.' You are out to protect your family, your home, and possibly your freedom. You put on a heavy uniform, if you have one. In the early days of the war, not everyone had a uniform. To make matters more complicated, you might have a blue uniform. This was tricky. If you were fighting for the South, the Confederacy, you were to wear gray. The Northerners, the Union, were the ones who wore blue. So if you fought for the South and all you had to wear was a blue uniform, you could get shot by your own side! What would you do to keep yourself safe?"
A story like this focuses students on the content and their own emotions—and strengthens their relationship with Mrs. Tate. In essence, she is asking each individual student in the class what they would do. The question elevates them to a sense that "we're all in this together."
Use Five Ways to Show You Care
It was Teddy Roosevelt who said, "Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care." Letting students know that you truly do care about them is often easier with younger kids than with preteens and teenagers. Students need to know we care, and here are five ways, according to Fisher and Frey (2019), to show we are invested in relationships with them:
