and African families, other immigrant families are not exempt from such dissonance.
Lack of Clear Role Models
Most first generation immigrants in the US are cut off from their families of origin and the larger extended families. A few of these families may have very tight ties with their homeland and may keep regular contact with extended families especially in the present age of communication technology that includes skype, zoom, tweeter, telephones, instagram, emails, etc. However, very few will ensure that these ties involve their children as well. If the children were born in the US there is a sense in which they are disconnected from infancy. Many parents will try to get conversation going between their family at home and their children in North America, but then language becomes a barrier. I am reminded of a noble idea my husband and I had for our children to be connected and learn our mother language. The opportunity presented itself that I would be gone to South Africa on an academic sabbatical for three months while our children were still young. So we thought what a great opportunity to have their grandmother come and stay those three months so that they can learn the language and have some emotional connection with her. She came and stayed three months. The twist was that she ended up learning English while they did not learn any Meru language whatsoever. Emotional connection? Yes, a little, but it was soon eroded by the distance and the children’s irregular visits to Africa.
There is also lack of common interests on which to converse. Many parents try the occasional phone call or skype with extended family outside of the US. However, unless this is an intentional and regular effort, it soon gets ineffective because the two have no common grounds for a conversation. Hence, the simple act of living away from their homeland cuts off the most natural role models that the extended family may offer. Yet we know the importance of role models within the family. For instance, we always hear people referring to a great grandparent or uncle or aunt who inspired them in one-way or another. For the immigrant child, that is not a practical avenue. The child may see pictures, have an occasional word or two on phone with an extended family member, but they do not translate to life-size influence that is so important in creating role models.
As already discussed earlier, the parents are also not the most popular role models. The child is left to find role models in the society either through sports, Hollywood or political icons—who in some ways are also not exactly the mirror likeness to the child because of his/her feelings of being different as an immigrant’s child. It is not a wonder that the first generation immigrant’s children usually experience a sense of lack of clear direction and ambition in terms of who they are, what they want to do with their lives and who they look up to for inspiration.
Spiritual Dissonance
The first generation immigrant parents who have grown in contexts where religion totalized their entire being—thinking, meaning making, behavior and choices—engender the same perspective as they bring up their children. However, their children are growing in a context where the religious and the secular are intentionally separated. The child is learning from school, teachers, sport coaches, friends, church and politics to live in a world of spiritual/secular dualism. When confronted by syncretism, the child is left in confusion and does not understand why the issues in discussion which seems purely an issue of logical analysis, bears a religious conviction in the mind of the parent. The child cannot understand why the parents are stressing so much on a choice that rests on their own logical analysis and conclusion. Meanwhile, the parent is stressing not because they do not see the logic of the child but because the issue at hand does bear a sacred significance and can have far-reaching consequences for the child and the whole family. Such misunderstandings can become a significant issue between parent and child when the child knows they can put up a logical argument about why they should be allowed to do what they wish as long as it is not harming another. For the parent, such insistence is perceived as defiance, and in many cases, moves against the religious foundation of obeying and seeking guidance of parents. One child, sharing with me their dilemma with parents stated, “I am twenty-two and an adult. Yet you have no idea the kind of guilt I feel every time I go to buy a beer!” This I believe is not an action that any Western young adult would have dilemma and dissonance over because it would not be an issue that has been communicated to them with sacred connotations. However, it is talked about by most immigrant families and this is exacerbated if the child is still living at home with the parents, a norm among immigrant families.
In a similar way, immigrant parents have been known to interpret disobedience, and the embrace of what they consider as immoral values, not just as defiance but also as the influence of an external entity. In Africa as well as some Asian cultures, such would be easily characterized as the influence of an evil spirit. This may sound very strange to non-western parents because it almost sounds like a parent is pronouncing their child as evil. Far from it! It has more to do with the religio-cultural intertwinedness of religion and culture in interpreting life events as already discussed than it has to do with a negative perception of their child. For most non-western cultures, that which cannot be explained rationally, the default is to go to the religious spiritual world. The irony of this situation is that the more the child of first generation immigrant parents struggle to find their identity in a unique emotional wrangling crisis, the more their parents become convinced that they are under the influence of an evil spirit. The more the parents insist on perceiving the child’s behavior and choices as influenced by an external entity, the more the propensity of the child to engage in the undesired behavior as they experience isolation, dissonance and even show signs of mental illness.
Conflicting Stages of Rites of Passage
One of the most recurring patterns we find across cultures is the difference between parents and children in how developmental stages are perceived. While not necessarily unique to immigrant families, it seems more pronounced because of cultural differences. Take for instance the year sixteen, popularly referred to in the West as “sweet sixteen.” What makes this “sweet” for many western kids is that they can now apply for an interim driver’s license, some get their first cars, others can now begin to date, go to their first prom, and given extended curfew hours to hang out with friends, etc. The prom (which comes with being spoiled with an expensive dress and a dance,) becomes part of the rite of passage for this stage. These are experiences many western parents look back with some nostalgic feelings.
Posing these sentiments to a non-western parent and asking them what “sixteen” meant in their experience growing up, many would venture that it was anything other than “sweet!” If they were living in a refugee camp, it meant greater responsibility to help parents care for the younger siblings or find work to help support the family. If they were young girls in the developing world, age sixteen might signify that they had become marriageable and under pressure to find a suitable partner to help escape the poverty at home. Where dowry is practiced, a poor family may look at their daughter’s marriage as a potential source of monetary income. For others, this age brings them to a rite of passage whereby males (or in some cases females) might be circumcised and secluded to be given specific instruction of what it means to be a young adult woman or man and the responsibilities of raising a family.
Age eighteen is another good example to show the disparity in cultural markers. In the Western world, turning eighteen means that legal and social support systems now regard you as an adult. At this age, young adults can now buy controlled substances like tobacco; they can file their own taxes; they can differ with the wishes of their parents—and the legal system will recognize their wishes. They can drive with full license; they can even marry. While some of these same realities may be true in the non-western world, eighteen is not the magic bearer of adulthood; rather, it is the manifestation of responsibility. This adult responsibility is measured by relational rather than independent standards such as: respect shown to others in society, logical thinking that takes into account the well-being of the family or community, proper communication of feelings including respect for those older than oneself, fair treatment of the opposite gender during conflict, initiative in education and future vocation. These are the markers of adulthood for most non-western communities. If a teen is not exhibiting
