owe it to the community to perfect the sanitary arrangements. In questions of duty there is no room for persuasion, even from the oldest friend.
SARTORIUS [to Trench] I certainly feel, as Mr Cokane puts it, that it is our duty: One which I have perhaps too long neglected out of regard for the poorest class of tenants.
LICKCHEESE Not a doubt of it, gents, a dooty. I can be as sharp as any man when it’s a question of business; but dooty’s another thing.
TRENCH Well, I dont see that it’s any more my duty now than it was four months ago. I look at it simply as a question of so much money.
COKANE Shame, Harry, shame! Shame!
TRENCH Oh, shut up, you fool. [Cokane springs up. Lickcheese catches his coat and holds him.]
LICKCHEESE Steady, steady, Mr Sekketerry. Dr Trench is only joking.
COKANE I insist on the withdrawal of that expression. I have been called a fool.
TRENCH [morosely] So you are a fool.
‘COKANE Then you are a damned fool. Now, sir!
TRENCH All right. Now weve settled that. [Cokane, with a snort, sits down.] What I mean is this. Dont lets have any nonsense about this job. As I understand it, Robbins’s Row is to be pulled down to make way for the new street into the Strand; and the straight tip now is to go for compensation.
LICKCHEESE [chuckling] That’so, Dr Trench. Thats it.
TRENCH {continuing] Well, it appears that the dirtier a place is the more rent you get; and the decenter it is, the more compensation you get. So we’re to give up dirt and go in for decency.
SARTORIUS I should not put it exactly in that way; but —
COKANE Quite right, Mr Sartorius, quite right. The case could not have been stated in worse taste or with less tact.
LICKCHEESE Sh-sh-sh-sh!
SARTORIUS I do not quite go with you there, Mr Cokane. Dr Trench puts the case frankly as a man of business. I take the wider view of a public man. We live in a progressive age; and humanitarian ideas are advancing and must be taken into account. But my practical conclusion is the same as his. I should hardly feel justified in making a large claim for compensation under existing circumstances.
LICKCHEESE Of course not; and you wouldnt get it if you did. You see, it’s like this, Dr Trench. Theres no doubt that the Vestries has legal powers to play old Harry with slum properties, and spoil the houseknacking game if they please. That didnt matter in the good old times, because the Vestries used to be us ourselves. Nobody ever knew a word about the election; and we used to get ten of us into a room and elect one another, and do what we liked. Well, that cock wont fight any longer; and, to put it short, the game is up for men in the position of you and Mr Sartorius. My advice to you is, take the present chance of getting out of it. Spend a little money on the block at the Cribbs Market end enough to make it look like a model dwelling; and let the other block to me on fair terms for a depot of the North Thames Iced Mutton Company. Theyll be knocked down inside of two year to make room for the new north and south main thoroughfare; and youll be compensated to the tune of double the present valuation, with the cost of the improvements thrown in. Leave things as they are; and you stand a good chance of being fined, or condemned, or pulled down before long. Now’s your time.
COKANE Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Admirably put from the business point of view! I recognize the uselessness of putting the moral point of view to you, Trench; but even you must feel the cogency of Mr Lickcheese’s business statement.
TRENCH But why cant you act without me? What have I got to do with it? I’m only a mortgagee.
SARTORIUS There is a certain risk in this compensation investment, Dr Trench. The County Council may alter the line of the new street. If that happens, the money spent in improving the houses will be thrown away, simply thrown away. Worse than thrown away, in fact; for the new buildings may stand unlet, or half let, for years. But you will expect your seven per cent as usual.
TRENCH A man must live.
COCKANE Je n’en vois pas la necessite.
TRENCH Shut up, Billy; or else speak some language you understand. No, Mr Sartorius: I should be very glad to stand in with you if I could afford it; but I cant; so theres an end of that.
LICKCHEESE Well, all I can say is that youre a very foolish young man.
COKANE What did I tell you, Harry?
TRENCH I dont see that it’s any business of yours, Mr Lickcheese.
LICKCHEESE It’s a free country: Every man has a right to his opinion. [Cokane cries “Hear, hear!”] Come: wheres your feelins for them poor people, Dr Trench? Remember how it went to your heart when I first told you about them. What! Are you going to turn hard?
TRENCH No: It wont do: You cant get over me that way. You proved to me before that there was no use in being sentimental over that slum shop of ours; and it’s no good your turning round on the philanthropic tack now that you want me to put my capital into your speculation. Ive had my lesson; and I’m going to stick to my present income. It’s little enough for me as it is.
SARTORIUS It really matters nothing to me, Dr Trench, how you decide. I can easily raise the money elsewhere and pay you off. Then, since you are resolved to run no risks, you can invest your £10,000 in Consols and get 250 a year for it instead of 700. [Trench, completely outwitted, stares at them in consternation. Cokane breaks the silence.]
COKANE This is what comes of being avaricious, Harry. Two thirds of your income gone at one blow. And I must say it serves you right.
TRENCH Thats all very fine; but I dont understand it. If you can do this to me, why didnt you do it long ago?
SARTORIUS Because, as I should probably have had to borrow at the same rate, I should have saved nothing; whereas you would have lost over £400 a very serious matter for you. I had no desire to be unfriendly; and even now I should be glad to let the mortgage stand, were it not that the circumstances mentioned by Mr Lickcheese force my hand. Besides, Dr Trench, I hoped for some time that our interests might be joined by closer ties even than those of friendship.
LICKCHEESE [jumping up, relieved] There! Now the murder’s out. Excuse me, Dr Trench. Excuse me, Mr Sartorius: excuse my freedom. Why not Dr Trench marry Miss Blanche, and settle the whole affair that way? [Sensation. Lickcheese sits down triumphant.]
COKANE You forget, Mr Lickcheese, that the young lady, whose taste has to be considered, decisively objected to him.
TRENCH Oh! Perhaps you think she was struck with you.
COKANE I do not say so, Trench. No man of any delicacy would suggest such a thing. You have an untutored mind, Trench, an untutored mind.
TRENCH Well, Cokane : Ive told you my opinion of you already.
COKANE {rising wildly] And I have told you my opinion of you. I will repeat it if you wish. I am ready to repeat it.
LICKCHEESE Come, Mr Sekketerry: You and me, as married men, is out of the ‘unt as far as young ladies is concerned. I know Miss Blanche: She has her father’s eye for business. Explain this job to her; and she’ll make it up with Dr Trench. Why not have a bit of romance in business
