he wakes from the smell of ammonia inhalant the teacher applies, he’s shaken and wracked with embarrassment. The instructor is kind and takes Victor aside, where she explains it’s a normal reaction people often have. He shouldn’t be ashamed, and she’s confident he’ll troop on. Victor commits to doing so. He receives his certification with honors, although the sight of blood continues to make him queasy. This reaction afflicts him the rest of his life. His nightmares are yet to come.
The decision to enlist in the United States Air Force fails to pan out for the teen. Possibly the most lenient of all services, their basic training is a cakewalk for even the most challenged individual. A life-recurring issue arises during his time at Lackland Air Force Base. Victor despises orders. He revolts against any hint of authority and resists being told what to do. There’s no place in the military for such attitude or insubordination, even the Air Force. Hell, any Boy Scout will tell you lawful orders must be obeyed.
They drop Victor from the ranks of the service. Unwilling and unable to perform to standards and requirements, he receives an ‘Other Than Honorable’ separation because of cussing out training instructors, even catching one off guard with a sucker punch. The non-commissioned officer refuses to pursue discipline or charges and convinces superiors to hand out the OTH departure. If not for this, he would receive a Bad Conduct Discharge. The powers at hand consider an ‘Entry-Level Separation’ given to those who cannot adapt to the environment, but his slap of the military training instructor cannot be overlooked. A criminal charge, it can result in a court-martial. No justification for the proceeding can be made as it would be a waste of time and effort. They will cut their losses, as his type is not desirable nor suitable for a military force. Here begins another series of employments, all short-lived, which span years.
Chapter Four
Perhaps the most important bond in child development is one with their mother. This holds true throughout the animal kingdom. Maternal nurturing is crucial in establishing positive growth and well-being. Shelter from physical elements and bodily sustenance is vital for tangible expansion, and Victor’s mother gives the bare basics. With some, this equates to a plus, as it enables one to learn to fend for themselves and toughens them. However, Victor does not receive any cultivation or emotional comfort from his birth giver.
His mother disdains everyone. She thinks the world revolves around her, and every action, cause, and purpose are direct infantile attempts to result in her own gain. She cares not for her offspring, but her own selfish needs and wants. Victor and his siblings despise her with a passion.
Victor’s connection with his father is healthier, but not by much, and a father cannot provide the level of furtherance a mother can. Laidback and on the cusp of being an introvert, he avoids discussion and conflict with his wife. His son resents this and feels his dad should stand up to her. He should defend his honor and children. It will come later. Too late. He leaves his wife and kids and moves out.
In a house full of brothers and a sister, Victor suffers sexual abuse at the hands of a male relative. He divulged this to Andrei but never told him who it was.
It is in his third decade Victor’s life turns more wrought with activities and events.
Out of his mother’s house by choice at 20, Victor moves to his maternal grandmother’s. A quaint dwelling, it is on 26th Street, a shady road interspersed with single and multi-family houses. Every several miles, a small apartment complex lines the way. His room is clean and decorated with an oriental theme. It turns into a family affair, as his siblings follow a short time later. Thank goodness it’s a large dwelling with five bedrooms and ample baths. The backyard is spacious, secluded with potted plants and rows of trellis overgrown with vines. When alone in the yard on a starry night, Victor loses himself in a fantasy world he prefers.
It is during this first year at his grandmother’s he throws himself into the realm of the occult, renaissance fairs, and card readings. His participation in renaissance fairs is passionate. These events include a richness of characters in costume which Victor always dons. Camel and elephant rides are a hit and jousting, knife, and ax throwing delight people. Musical and theatrical acts, sales of crafts, comedy routines, and plenty of food round out the festivities. Medieval Knights on horseback and foot, damsels in distress, chivalry—things Victor fantasizes about take him to the days of past at these modern-day carnivals. For twenty dollars a pop, he will tell your fortune. He makes female friends and becomes infatuated with more than a few. It begins a life where hopes cease to exist and dreams die.
Born under the Libra sign, they are an air sign represented by scales. The association reflects their fixation on harmony and balance. It is regrettable Victor’s life doesn’t have either one. Obsessed with symmetry, they strive to create equilibrium in all areas. Ruled by Venus, the planet governs love, beauty, and money. Libras adore high art, intellectualism, and connoisseurship. Suave Libras need to surround themselves with stunning objects and create environments which reflect their exquisite tastes. Excellent designers, decorators, art critics, and stylists, relationships are paramount for Libras. They find balance in camaraderie. Harmonious partnership with trendy mates makes attractive arm candy. When coupled, they must be cautious about seeking attention outside agreed-upon boundaries. Since they try to keep everyone happy and engaged, they may be lured to push the parameters of pacts with partners.
As time goes by, he works as a concessionaire, bartender, security officer, delivery man, sign holder, marketing caller, car wash attendant, and Fuller brush seller. He dabbles in massages, not having the license to do business as a masseuse. Does he think of getting one? No. None of the positions last more than a year. For all his self-imagined insight, he fails to understand why he’s financially strapped. Oblivious to the fact one needs to work, unless independently wealthy or leading a life of crime, he complains at the injustice of others having hard cash. It’s not proper to judge, but it begs the question, when does it become obvious to a person, they’re on the wrong path? When does a person need to have a heart-to-heart talk and ask, “Maybe it’s time for me to reconsider facets of my life and way of thinking? Things aren’t going well, so a change may be in order. A shift in approach is necessary.”
It boils down to a relentless pursuit of going in circles, never catching or achieving anything. Every interaction; every communication is an attempt at compensating for his failures and shortcomings, yet he persists in reverting to the same behaviors which lead to problems. In new connections with females, years of abuse subtly revisit and grow. He espouses positive thoughts about himself for the most part but spins things into negatives. As with other people, his past defines his present.
Andrei would tell the story of how upset he would get at his father’s incessant statement, “You don’t have to like it. You just have to accept it.” His hands would clench and his face would grimace hearing the words. He disagreed because he was a child. Victor also disputes the phrase, but what is the alternative? The insistence of not playing by the rules has consequences, and if you’re willing to accept the costs, all good. If not, well, tough shit. Nothing is free, there are no handouts, and the world doesn’t give a rat’s ass you didn’t ask to be born.
A downward spiral affects Victor in his late 20s and into his 30s. The man is despondent at a lack of meaningful relationships. His inability to stay in romantic connections preys on him. Unable to solicit feedback as to the reasons from those he bonds with and cares for, he seeks counseling and stress-reducing mediums to get to the bottom of his troubles. He dallies in positive reinforcement, self-awareness, and reflection. Like a Gorgorik without its head, he’s not whole. “Do I come across to women the wrong way?” he deliberates. “Is it the influences of my mother’s wrongful conduct and her lack in raising me?” “Am I a bad person?”
Of
