us to hesitate before Steps Eight and Nine. “What will she think?” or “What will he say?” Followed by our famous, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” But to the writer, “Fear of losing my sobriety overrode my fear of losing someone’s goodwill.” W.H. also wisely points out that Step Eight “provides a time of calm reflection before we get down to the actual amends-making task.”
The anonymous writer in the story “The Eighth Step,” describes “this great life”: “I have found, to my great joy, that if I work on Eight and Nine and keep the emphasis on my relationships with others, these Steps actually do bring about the ultimate amends to me—a happy, sober day-to-day life that brims over with gladness, happiness, good fortune, and all that I could wish for.”
Ready to Sweep
August 2015
When I was an active alcoholic, I caused physical, mental and spiritual damage to people. And as my drinking became more destructive, I isolated and alienated myself from others even more than usual, in an attempt to drink and drug without interruption or negative criticism. I’d then be overwhelmed with fear, shame, guilt and remorse. My self-loathing would spill over into all my relationships—the few that still remained, that is.
The Eighth Step gave me the toolbox I needed to explore these relationships more deeply. It enabled me to pinpoint those individuals whom I had harmed. And even if I was not actually ready to make direct amends to certain people, I was able to begin by writing out an amends list and praying for the willingness.
As I worked through my list, the essential question for me, as it says in the “Twelve and Twelve,” was: “Whom have I harmed and in what ways?” I was tempted to recall and list the ways these people had hurt me. In all honesty, there was perhaps harm on both sides. But I needed to focus on the harm I had produced. The Eighth Step does not depend on the character defects and shortcomings of others. I had to admit and acknowledge my own character defects and shortcomings. I needed to focus on “sweeping my side of the street.”
When feelings of defensiveness began to emerge, I remembered that these individuals needed my forgiveness just as much as I needed theirs. But whether they recognized that need was not the issue. If I were to be serious about mending broken relationships, and I certainly was, I needed to let go of my resentments and, simultaneously, to forgive others. The following questions were helpful to me as I worked on my Eighth Step:
1 How was I bad-tempered because of my drinking?
2 Did I avoid friends and family as a result of my obsession?
3 What damage did I produce by letting my self-will run riot? These helped me gain valuable insights and discover other people to add to my list.
As I continued on my Eighth Step journey, it became apparent that I did much damage to myself as well. And it dawned on me that the most effective amends that I could make to myself was to stay sober and practice the Steps to the best of my ability. And if I keep not drinking just for today, I won’t drink for the rest of my life.
In early sobriety, I would never have contemplated making the first move toward making an amend. But now I’m attempting to discern and apply the will of God in my life. I now take responsibility for my sobriety and for my relationships. Taking such a risk has become a possibility thanks to the Steps and my support network in the rooms of AA. The Eighth Step has given me the ability to maintain and develop a deep intimacy and involvement with significant others in my life. It also gives me emotional and spiritual balance.
Gary T.
Poughkeepsie, New York
From Our Fellows and From God
February 1986
Are you the type of person who makes lists? There are a lot of us around. We make lists of household items, groceries and toiletries; of things to do today, tomorrow and over the weekend; of holidays, vacations and activities for special events.
At many Step discussion meetings in my area, I hear my fellow AAs share their fear upon reaching the Eighth Step. Usually, it’s the fear of the impending Ninth Step confrontation with those they have harmed. “What will she think?” or “What will he say?” followed by our famous “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” Eventually, I was asking the same questions and entertaining similar fears. However, something had to be done because old-timers said that their sobriety depended on how successfully they continued to practice all twelve of the Steps. So I began putting a list together. Fear of losing my sobriety overrode my fear of losing someone’s goodwill.
Naturally, at the head of the list I put my own name, right? No. I was far too used to being first in the universe, far too self-centered. But didn’t I hurt myself more than anybody else by my drinking? Perhaps, but amends to myself began the moment I put the cork in the bottle. At least, that’s the way I came to see it.
My immediate family was high on my list. First my parents, whom I had long blamed for certain deficiencies in my makeup (in addition to my alcoholism); my brother and sisters who I felt had always made unreasonable demands on me.
There were the stores where I had begun a history of petty thievery during my teens. Small thefts, but they totaled up to a pretty penny.
There were couples whose marriages, already a bit shaky, I had done nothing to help. Fact is, I contributed to the grounds for at least one divorce.
There were jobs where I cheated employers of their fair due, as well as setting a very poor example by my drunkenness.
There were romantic love objects, persons used and then tossed aside.
And how many were victims of my big-shotism—people I promised to help find living quarters or jobs through my “connections”? What connections?
That’s a broad outline of my first serious approach to making amends. What did I do about it all? How do you make amends to somebody who has moved to you-know-not-where? How do you return stolen goods to a now-defunct store?
Our founding fathers wisely provided the Eighth Step as a means of collecting our wits, of charting our course as we prepare for a journey that might well prove to be stormy. It is a course where I might find it impossible, due to circumstances, to make amends, but not impossible to include my willingness on my list. To become willing. The Step is also about that, isn’t it?
The Eighth Step provides a time of calm reflection before we get down to the actual amends-making task. As the “Twelve and Twelve” says, “It is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.”
W. H.
New York, New York
From At Wit’s End
June 2001
Heard at Meetings: “When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.”
Susan C.
Richmond, Virginia
8 ½
October 1986
As I continue to live
