something changed. I wanted to get sober, because I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I went to the AA office and club in a daze, hoping that somehow, somewhere, I could get sober and stay sober. For the very first time, I asked my Higher Power to help me get sober and stay sober.
But the specter of my homosexuality was still there. “Sure, you’re sober in AA again. That’s nothing new,” I said to myself. Then came the burning question: “But how are you going to accept the fact that you’re a homosexual and, as such, must always be condemned to living an underground life, even with your AA comrades?”
At first, I concentrated strictly on staying sober and attending meetings. I said nothing to anyone about my “other” life. I asked the Higher Power each day to show me the way to a solution. About a month or two after I came on the program, I met another homosexual, a man much older in years and sobriety than I. One Sunday afternoon, we drove out of town to an institution to see an AA inmate. Without actually realizing I was doing it, I told this man my real story and told him how desperate I was to stay sober and be able to make a life for myself. I was breathless with apprehension and fear, but I had to tell it.
When I finished, he glanced at me with a smile on his face and said, “Welcome to AA.” He told me then several things I’ll never forget. The first was that it was possible to stay sober and live the life of a homosexual. There were others in the AA program; I would meet them in time. He said to me, “You didn’t ask to be a homosexual, but you are. Short of long, difficult, and expensive psychiatric treatment, there is little chance that you can change your sexual life and desires, even if you wanted to. Your Higher Power knows what you are, and so do I. Your job now is to learn to live with your homosexuality, to make the best of a difficult bargain.”
What a great day! I had a glimmer of hope for the first time in many years. Here was someone who understood my life, someone who knew exactly how I felt. It was as if a whole new life had begun. I knew it was possible to be myself and stay sober!
That was over ten years ago, and I wish I could honestly report that life has been smooth and calm since then. But, of course, that isn’t true. It took months of difficult inventory-taking and many wild, emotional discussions to accept the fact that I was a homosexual. It took a couple of years of fearful experimentation to discover that I could lead—for me—a normal life. What is normal for me sexually is totally repugnant to the majority of people. But I have to live basically for me if I am to continue to stay sober and work this program. There have been many periods of terrible doubt and darkness, periods when I’ve sincerely questioned whether I could continue to lead the kind of life I lead.
But my Higher Power and the truth and wisdom of the AA way of life have given me the means to continue to grow as a person and a useful, sober member of society. I do my share of Twelfth Step work, with both heterosexual and homosexual people. I don’t force my homosexuality on them. My interest is in their drinking problem. The Higher Power has enabled me to be, for me, extremely objective when working with a newcomer. I have hundreds of heterosexual friends in AA and many, many homosexual ones. Many, of both kinds, have no idea that I am a homosexual. Others know, understand, and aren’t interested in my friendship for its sexual aspects.
In writing this, I am thinking that somewhere among the readership of this magazine there are other persons like me, as I once was—shakily sober, but still living in guilt and the indescribable fear that their homosexuality will prove to be an insurmountable obstacle in the path of sobriety and happiness. Have hope, my unknown friends! You can be happy and live a useful life. Two suggestions I might make: (1) Remember you’re an alcoholic first and a homosexual second, and (2) ask your Higher Power for guidance and help. It’s there, and it’ll come to you if you sincerely want it!
B. L.
Manhattan, New York
I Have Found Myself
AUGUST 1982 (From Dear Grapevine)
Thank you very much for the April Grapevine article “In Diversity Is Strength.”
Thanks to my God and to people who understand and are accepting of others, I came to realize (after I had been sober for two and a half years) that I am gay. Gay people really do have the same desire to stay sober and help other alcoholics—gay or straight—to achieve sobriety as do the straight members.
I now have over six years’ sobriety. I owe my sobriety to God and to all the straight meetings I attend, because there are no gay meetings in my hometown. I work the Steps and try to practice the principles in all my affairs, as do other alcoholics who want a contented sobriety. I have found myself through the AA Fellowship.
Anonymous
Kansas
To Thine Own Self Be True
FEBRUARY 2003
Self-concern and fear dominated me most of my life. I was also afraid that people could detect my fear so I drank to escape it and to escape from myself. When I was sober for two and a half years, I realized that the quality of my life left me wanting. I was still very self-conscious and full of fear.
Ill at ease in meetings, I decided to cut back on them. But I soon realized that fewer meetings couldn’t possibly be the right answer. I decided to take a deeper look into myself. Why was I so self-conscious and full of fear all the time, no matter whom I was with or where I was?
One day it dawned on me that my self-perception was so distorted that I couldn’t possibly live up to the person I was pretending to be because that person didn’t exist. Because of my religious background, I had not been able to admit that I was gay. So I had lived a lie my entire life. The result was terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair.
When I got sick and tired of being “sober and miserable,” I realized that my problem was deeper than alcoholism. My problem was sexual confusion. My alcoholism was merely a symptom.
The words “and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone—even alcohol” finally rang true for me. Ever since I was a child, I had modified everything about myself, from the way I walked, to the way I talked, to the way I dressed. And I was still a misfit. Thanks to AA, I don’t have to fight any longer.
Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.” He didn’t say be someone you aren’t. Today I am alcohol-free. I am what I am—a sober gay man!
Steve C.
College Park, Maryland
CHAPTER 2
I FOUND MY FELLOWSHIP
Voices of lesbian AAs
Most of the womens’ stories in this chapter deal with drinking and self-acceptance.
“At twenty-one years old, I became aware of bars for lesbians, and this was the discovery of my life,” F.G. writes. “I started to go to these bars, and since I had already developed a dependence on alcohol, I drank. Alcohol became my way of life.” Liquor “made my feelings of inferiority ... disappear,” writes Janet W. “I felt as if I had found the answer to my problems.”
Finally reaching Alcoholics Anonymous, these women found help through sponsors, new friends in the rooms, and reliance on a Higher Power.
One
