The Punster's Pocket-book. Westmacott Charles Molloy

      Drawn down by their alluring mirth;

      So well they seem'd to like the sport,

      Jove could not get them back to court.

      Th' infernal gods ascend as well,

      Drawn up by magic puns from hell.

      Judges and furies quit their post,

      And not a soul to mind a ghost.

      'Heyday!' says Jove: says Pluto too,

      'I think the Devil's here to do;

      Here's hell broke loose, and heaven's quite empty;

      We scarce have left one god in twenty.

      Pray what has set them all a-running? —

      'Dear brother, nothing else but punning.

      Behold that double creature yonder

      Delights them with a double entendre.'

      'Odds-fish,' says Pluto, 'where's your thunder?

      Let's drive, and split this thing asunder!'

      'That's right,' quoth Jove; with that he threw

      A bolt, and split it into two;

      And when the thing was split in twain,

      Why then it punn'd as much again.

      ''Tis thus the diamonds we refine,

      The more we cut, the more they shine;

      And ever since your men of wit,

      Until they're cut, can't pun a bit.

      So take a starling when 'tis young,

      And down the middle slit the tongue,

      With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter,

      You'll find the bird will doubly chatter.

      'Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know,

      'Tis well I did not slit my Juno!

      For, had I done't, whene'er she'd scold me,

      She'd make the heavens too hot to hold me.'

      The gods, upon this application,

      Return'd each to his habitation,

      Extremely pleas'd with this new joke;

      The best, they swore, he ever spoke.

      ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM;

      THE ART OF PUNNING,

      Your honour's character is too well known in the world to stand in need of a dedication; but I can tell you, that my fortune is not so well settled but I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since I am to write a dedication, I must, for decency, proceed in the usual method.

      First, I then proclaim to the world your high and illustrious birth: that you are, by the father's side, descended from the most ancient and celebrated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mother's, from Earl Percy. Some indeed have been so malicious as to say, your grandmother kill'd-her-kin: but, I think if the authors of the report were found out, they ought to be hampered. I will allow that the world exclaims deservedly against your mother, because she is no friend to the bottle; otherwise they would deserve a firkin, as having no grounds for what they say. However, I do not think it can sully your fine and bright reputation; for the credit you gained at the battle of Hogshed, against the Duke of Burgundy, who felt no sham-pain, when you forced him to sink beneath your power, and gave his whole army a brush, may in time turn to your account; for, to my knowledge, it put his highness upon the fret. This indeed was no less racking to the king his master, who found himself gross-lee mistaken in catching a tartar. For the whole world allowed, that you brought him a peg lower, by giving him the parting-blow, and making all his rogues in buckram to run. Not to mention your great a-gillity, though you are past your prim-age; and may you never lack-age, with a sparkling wit, and brisk imagination! May your honour also wear long, beyond the common scantling of human life, and constantly proceed in your musical diversions of pipe and sack-but, hunting with tarriers, &c. and may your good humour in saying, "I am-phor-a-bottle," never be lost to the joy of all them that drink your wine for nothing, and especially of,

      The great and singular advantages of Punning, and the lustre it gives to conversation, are commonly so little known in the world, that scarce one man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, appears to have the least tincture of it in his discourse. This I can impute to nothing but that it hath not been reduced to a science; and indeed Cicero seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may gather from his second book de Oratore1, where he has this remarkable passage: "Suavis autem est et vehementer sæpe utilis jocus et facetiæ cum ambiguitate – in quibus tu longè aliis meâ sententiâ, Cæsar, excellis: quo magìs mihi etiam testis esse potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, eam nos tu potissimum docebis." "Punning is extremely delightful, and oftentimes very profitable; in which, as far as I can judge, Cæsar, you excel all mankind; for which reason you may inform me, whether there be any art of Punning; or, if there be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct me in it." So much was this great man affected with the art, and such a noble idea did he conceive of it, that he gave Cæsar the preference to all mankind, only on account of that accomplishment!

      Let critics say what they will, I will venture to affirm, that Punning, of all arts and sciences, is the most extraordinary: for all others are circumscribed by certain bounds; but this alone is found to have no limits, because to excel therein requires a more extensive knowledge of all things. A Punner must be a man of the greatest natural abilities, and of the best accomplishments: his wit must be poignant and fruitful, his understanding clear and distinct, his imagination delicate and cheerful; he must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far above all mean and low conceptions; and these must be sustained with a vivacity fit to express his ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble and sublime.

      And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing upon my reader, I must entreat him to consider how high Plato has carried his sentiments of this art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen farther into Heaven than any Heathen either before or since). Does not he say positively, in his Cratylus, "Jocos et Dii amant," the gods themselves love Punning? which I am apt to believe from Homer's ἂσβεστος γἑλως, unextinguished laughter; because there is no other motive could cause such continued merriment among the gods.

      As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it to be very early among the Chaldeans; which any one may see at large, who will read what he says upon the word ציךז Pun,

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