1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift9, who said, when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,
"Mantua væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!"
Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000.
R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord B – , who puns in all companies.
R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier C – , who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own hair, or a perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.
R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. D – , who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.
R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them; as Dr. E – and Mr. F – frequently do.
I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G – saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a leg as he.' They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.
R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold. Ex. gr. suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That is a Carthaginian war:'
Q. How, sir?
A. Why, sir, it is a Pun-ick war.
R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.
Q. Who was the first drawer?
A. Potiphar.
Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?
A. The hips.
Q. Who were the first bakers?
A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).
Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?
A. Middle-sex.
Q. What part of England has the most dogs?
A. Bark-shire.
Q. From whence come the first tumblers?
A. From Somerset.
Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land?
A. The people of Cumber-land.
Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers?
A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their fire-locks upon their shoulders.
Q. Why should a man in debt be called a diver?
A. Because he has dipped over head and ears.
Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?
A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow.
Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?
A. Because they are in-sects.
Q. Where were the first breeches made?
A. At Thy-atira.
Q. Who were the first gold-finders?
A. The Turditani.
Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs in?
A. Lap-land.
Q. What prince in the world should have a boar for his arms?
A. The duke of Tusk-any.
Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live?
A. At Leg-horn.
Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?
A. Because their heels are given to running.
Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?
A. Because they are strung with cat-gut.
Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or vice versa, why should his gown be stripped off?
A. Because he is guilty of sham-party.
Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the English tongue?
A. According to Buck-anan, a great number; viz. cat-egorical, dog-matical, crow-nological, flea-botomy, fish-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, mouse-olæum, pus-illanimity, hare-editary, ass-tronomy, jay-ography, stag-yrite, duck-tility.
Q. Where were the first hams made?
A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter Hammon, by the Hamadryades; one of them (if we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in Ham-shire, of the family of the Ham-iltons, who immediately sent it to Ham-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase ham-strung.
Thus did great Socrates improve the mind,
By questions useful since to all mankind;
For, when the purblind soul no farther saw,
Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law,
His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight,
And so he taught his pupils with day-light.
R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go squares with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. sickly-eyed; for which they are a pack of loga-rithms, i. e. loggerheads.' Vide R. 34.
R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; as Martial advises:
"Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore,
Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum."
"He that would move another man to laughter,
Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."
R. 10.
In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.
