childhood become hard-wired into our brains and become our default emotional responses. This makes them hard, though not impossible, to change.
• Parents and other significant adults in our childhood usually induce this guilt, and our relationship with them would have coloured our responses.
• Some of this guilt is no longer relevant to us as adults. It relates to the value systems of other people and not to our own current values. It can, however, still trigger inappropriate responses, which need to be kept under our control.
• Some childhood guilt relates to secret wrongdoing from childhood, which may need our attention because it is affecting our life, relationships or peace of mind today.
• Childhood guilt is often mixed with shame and therefore diminishes our self-esteem.
Parental guilt
Now to the other side of the coin! There cannot be a parent who hasn’t been besieged by guilt at some time during their lives. It is a role that the vast majority of us desperately want to do more perfectly than any other we may take on. But, of course, we don’t and we can’t.
I’m trying to avoid, you know, guilt, even though before the child is born you’re already thinking you’re doing things wrong … Why do I think that will probably carry over until the day you die?
EMILY MORTIMER, BRITISH ACTRESS
Once you become a parent, guilt is guaranteed. Nowadays, it even starts nudging us before the baby is born. Recently, I was scrolling through a pregnant mums’ internet forum and here are just a few of the ‘sins’ they were confessing:
After more years than I care to mention, just writing this list managed to trigger guilt in me, too. And that happened, even though in my time we didn’t know such ‘sins’ might harm our unborn babies.
Health professionals with positive intentions induced this guilt. Through leaflets, adverts and face-to-face advice, they pass on the wisdom that has been accumulated from research into pre-natal care. They want mothers to feel guilty if they don’t take this new knowledge seriously. When the guilt starts to feel too weighty, most will joke it off in the way they are doing in the kind of forum I mentioned. However, many parents can’t do this. This kind of guilt-inducing information stresses them out and frightens them. They can’t change the habits of a lifetime overnight.
When the baby is born, that guilt burden will undoubtedly grow. Their pre-natal guilt will leave them predisposed to absorbing more and more. Parental guilt is now a common subject of casual conversation and is regularly addressed in parenting manuals, magazines and websites. But to my knowledge there hasn’t been any serious academic research that has proved this rise or pointed conclusively to the reasons for it. From my own practice of working with parents, I have noticed a number of issues that in recent years have kept reoccurring and can cause this accumulation of guilt:
• Dual careers. A recent survey by the website Mumsnet.com claims that fewer working mothers are feeling guilty, but now I find that working fathers are adding to the numbers.
• Financial restraints. Perhaps some of these are due to lifestyle choices, but many are not. Many people cannot afford to meet their own and their children’s needs and expectations. The latter are soaring as globalisation increases and advertising has become so sophisticated. Not so long ago smartphones and individual computers for children were a luxury, but now, when your child’s best friend is moving to the other side of the world and they want to keep in touch, and 50 per cent of their class have this year’s model, it becomes difficult to say no.
• Longer working hours. This may be a problem particularly in the UK where our working hours are extra-long, and it is hard and expensive for families to find quality childcare. Because families are increasingly geographically distant, traditional support is becoming less available.
• The strains of marital break-up and blended families. Although these problems are now commonplace, the parental guilt that they trigger seems as high as ever.
• Rapid rise of mixed-culture families. This is an exciting development, but it is also challenging for parents. It appears to demand extra commitment, time and negotiation skills. The clash of parenting values and expectations often leaves at least one party feeling guilty about not giving their children the upbringing they believe to be right.
• The increasing volume of information about childcare available through the internet. Much of this is good and supportive. However, to unconfident parents encountering difficulties, it can be overwhelming and confusing.
• The trend that appears to equate a parent’s worth with the success and behaviour of their children. This has become increasingly internalised and parents’ self-esteem and confidence are being affected by this trend, too. This has become an increasing problem as the media constantly confronts us with the images of perfect parents with perfect children. These beautiful images stick and make us wish, ‘If only …’ When parents do seek help, guilt is always the first issue that therapists and counsellors have to deal with before they can move on to their main issues. This is happening in spite of our increasing knowledge of the role that genetic, physiological and cultural issues play in shaping our children.
So if it is true that parental guilt is on the increase, it is imperative that we learn how to manage it well. Laughing at it or ‘giving up’ by slipping defensively into laissez-faire parenting brings only very short-term relief and does our children no favours. Almost all the advice and strategies in this book will help. In Chapter 8 there are some tips on how to help children with their guilt, too.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
JOHN STEWART, AMERICAN SATIRIST
Summary: Parental guilt
• Parental guilt is virtually inevitable for everyone who has a child.
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