relationships, I can guide you to make healthy choices. I guide people this way every day in my work. I have counseled hundreds of women with various relationship struggles and heartache. I assure them, as I now assure you, that change is worthwhile and possible. I thank you for trusting me to help you.
The topic of unrequited love may make for an entertaining movie, but if you are experiencing it yourself, it is anything but entertaining. In fact, it may be one of the most painful experiences you ever have. Unrequited love is love that isn’t reciprocated in the same amount (or at all) that you are giving. Finding yourself in this circumstance, whether once or as part of a pattern, is not random. As you will come to realize in the pages of this book, unrequited love results from the impact of early history and experiences, especially with your parents. The good news is that you can unlearn the negative patterns and, instead, learn how to both choose and appreciate an emotionally available partner.
Let’s take a look at Samantha’s story. For the third Christmas (not to mention Thanksgiving and New Year’s) Samantha was by herself. Her married boyfriend was supposed to have left his wife by now. After all, he had asked her to be patient, saying he loved her....It would happen any day now. Samantha thought she suffered alone. Many of her friends had real partners. She felt jealous because, while she had a partner too, she spent these holidays alone.
Samantha was like many women in a relationship with a married or otherwise unavailable man. People would ask her why such an attractive, smart, educated, and hardworking woman didn’t have a serious boyfriend. She really seemed to have her life together. And although she always answered, “I haven’t met the right one yet,” she believed that, one day, she would be introducing the right one — the one she was already seeing — to her inner circle...as soon as he got a divorce. She also believed that she could wait. After all, she was only twenty-five.
Single women in relationships with married, noncommittal, or emotionally unavailable men let many years of their lives go down the drain. The chemistry of lust and fantastic sex can keep them in a state similar to addiction. With a married man, the highs are so high that these women have learned to cope with the lows — the “in-between” times of not being able to see or talk to him and of going solo to parties and events. With the emotionally unavailable man, you find yourself going crazy, in a state of high anxiety, wondering why he has not responded to your call or text.
Like Samantha, you have found that a relationship with a married man ensnares you in a web of lies that keeps this relationship hidden. Your friends and family may have met him under the pretense that he is single. Or perhaps no one even knows he exists. Whatever the case may be, your life is an emotional roller coaster.
Being with an unresponsive man who you know is single and available is another kind of torture. You tell people you have met a “great guy,” and you can’t deny the chemistry and intense attraction. Yet your friends all wonder why you also seem miserable. You are likely conflicted because this feeling that you call love makes you insecure and anxious at the same time.
Since you have decided to read this book, maybe you’re tired of living in a state of constant ambiguity. Perhaps you are seriously asking yourself if you should cut your losses and move on. Or perhaps you are looking for a sign of hope telling you that you should continue to ride this out. Many women enter into such an arrangement unwittingly. Some women do break up with a man upon learning he’s married or emotionally unresponsive and, in doing so, cut off a seemingly drama-filled relationship quickly. However, many others stay in roller-coaster relationships anyway.
When He’s Emotionally Unavailable: “Isn’t my love enough?” you might ask. I can tell you this circumstance has nothing to do with the amount of love or your ability to love. Lust and infatuation maybe, but not love. Love doesn’t hurt like this. Real love is balanced and reciprocal. There is a healthy dependency rather than a codependency. In a healthy dependency, you can each count on the other, and you have each other’s back. A man in a mutually loving relationship would not make you feel off balance and as if you are going crazy. He would also be completely honest about his feelings and the status of your relationship.
Let’s take a look at Michelle’s situation. She got set up on a blind date with Mark by a friend. Not blind exactly, because she knew so much about him before they met. He looked adorable in his social media pictures. Just her type. What’s more, he looked great on paper. An Ivy League graduate with a professional job, and Jewish like she was — and now, her friend thought they would be perfect for each other.
When they finally met at a noisy bar, it was as if the heavens parted and there was no one else in the place but them. They talked all night and had so much in common. She was sure she had found “the one.” When the date ended, and they went their separate ways, she was excited to hear him say he would contact her and definitely wanted to go out again. Then, when he didn’t call or text the next day (or the day after...), she became sad and anxious. She replayed the date in her head, wondering what she had done wrong or if she’d misread Mark.
She finally heard from him on Friday and was now faced with deciding whether she would be “too available” if she agreed to see him on Saturday night as he requested. After polling all her friends, she decided to go out with him, and they had an amazing time again. But then the cycle started over, and again she didn’t hear from him for several days. She decided to send him a text, and it went unanswered until the next day. All she got was a “sorry so busy” response. What a letdown. But instead of reading the situation for what it was, Michelle just tried harder and obsessed over him more. She could not comprehend how this could be happening, given all the undeniable chemistry they had.
Fast-forward to a few months later, and the “relationship” Michelle had with Mark — if you want to call it that — was filled with constant ups and downs, highs and lows. He could be very sweet and responsive and, at other times, distant and moody. This left her feeling great at times and, at other times, extremely depressed and anxious. It seemed like she was always worried about the relationship and whether Mark was going to break up with her or had found someone else. Mark called her “needy” when she tried to express her feelings to him. She was so confused at that point. She believed she was in love, but she was miserable and her family was always concerned about her.
Leaving someone you love is one of the most difficult things you can ever do. Michelle got in so deep that it seemed impossible. We can see from her story that she completely missed some major red flags. Even she did not know how she turned into the person she did with Mark. She always saw herself as strong and independent, successful at work, and as someone with plenty of friends.
But the essential point is that men like Mark are not capable of loving women back. Their behavior may run the range from manipulative or insensitive to downright emotionally abusive. It’s imperative to understand why this happens and how to find a man who will love you back unequivocally. It is also critical to know when and how to get out of this situation before it creates more distress and psychological damage.
When He’s Noncommittal: Don’t some men get over their fear of commitment? The short answer is, yes, some men do get over their relationship anxiety (a.k.a. “commitment phobia”). If they are going to, though, it will likely happen in a reasonable amount of time! You will also be getting positive signs during the course of your relationship that it is progressing in that direction. You will not see the same anxiety in other areas of this person’s life. Truly noncommittal
