behave poorly in romantic relationships? Do they all have an insecure attachment style? I would venture to say that many of them do. I have categorized these men using “profiles” that characterize their typical behaviors both when dating and when relating.
The Married (or Already in a Serious Relationship)
The ultimate unavailable man is the one who is already committed in some capacity to someone else. This person will also fit some of the other profiles listed below. I thoroughly explore this situation in chapter 3.
The Long-Distance Lover
You and he do not live in the same area. Such relationships often become passionate, and when you do see each other it is exciting and fantasy-like. I am definitely not saying that these relationships never work out. I know that they can, and not all participants in this type of relationship are emotionally unavailable. But some are, and purposely do not seek relationships with those they can see regularly. Just beware of how easy it is for him to hide from you who he really is. In fact, some men may purposely choose someone who won’t be privy to their day-to-day life for any number of reasons. Keep in mind that you must live in the same area to actually get to know each other and see if your relationship can really work out.
The Personality-Disordered
Perhaps he is a narcissist or, worse, a sociopath. Regardless, he keeps you around for his own exploitive or opportunistic purposes. He may be looking for validation of his good looks, virility, and manliness. He may lack both empathy and sensitivity to how his actions affect you. His feelings are the only ones that really matter. He is likely charming and confident as well, which can quickly suck you in.
This type might just be using you. He could be getting what he can for his own good out of being with you. This is not always sex. You may be offering him a place to stay or financially supporting him. If he is married, you may be the transitional person to help him out of his marriage. Regardless, love is not his motive.
Those with personality disorder traits also have the uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the one with the problem. He may be capable of committing to you in some respects, but understand that he will never love you as much as he loves himself. He may be in a position of high power owing to his career, wealth, political position, fame, or all of the above, and women often find this extremely attractive. Those in positions of leadership, control, and power are often admired by others and effortlessly capture the romantic attention of women. Just remember: he expects to be the “dotee” not the “doter.”
The Nonmonogamous
This man is incapable of monogamy or will pretend to value faithfulness but be unable to sustain it. He may lie to keep you as a sexual partner for as long as possible. He may have a sex addiction, only view women as objects, or think monogamy is boring. This guy may be a player already involved with others, or he might not tell you he’s married. You may find out on your own, or he may drop a bombshell after you are heavily involved. He is good at compartmentalizing and keeping secrets. He is also good at hiding his other dates while keeping you in the running. There is a coldness or an aloofness about him. He can keep you off balance, making you feel desired one moment and ignored the next.
The Addict
A man of this type has some chemical involvement (a drug or alcohol problem) that causes him to be inconsistent in his behavior. The behavior may run the gamut from being “out of it” to being aloof to being hyper when you are around. You may not know he has an addiction at all, because many addicts are creative at hiding it. Your gut may tell you that something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it. If, and when, you find out, everything seems to click. Unless you want to get high with him or be his enabler, you need to run.
A trickier addiction is addiction to work. Workaholism is still a socially acceptable addiction. You may certainly admire him for his fantastic work ethic at first. Before long, though, you will feel the frustration of lonely nights and events missed because of his work schedule or constant meetings. Your guy should be working hard but not working constantly with zero work/life balance. An addict will not be there for you in your times of need, leaving you hurt and disappointed. The only thing you can rely on is his unreliability.
The Hot Mess
This man is emotionally unavailable (perhaps temporarily) owing to some tragedy or misfortune occurring in his life. A hot mess may have just lost his job or someone close to him. He may very well be a great guy, but the timing is unfortunate. Getting involved now is not a good idea. Keep in touch from a distance, and wait for him to get back on his feet before you consider anything more serious.
Another man may be more seriously impaired for the long run. He might be a “mama’s boy,” or maybe he’s too close to his sister or his buddies. He has a weak sense of self and is too needy and dependent on his current attachments to properly engage in a healthy adult relationship. His emotions are tied up in others, leaving little or no room for you. Alternatively, he may have trouble saying no to others. His boundary blurring will suck up all his energy and the time that he could be spending with you. He has to work out these dysfunctional dynamics before he is ready for a mature relationship with you.
The Straight-Up Avoider
A man such as this experiences much ambivalence about relationships and commitment. He is the type who has feelings for you but, because of past bad experiences or a bad childhood, isn’t able to commit or show consistency. This is the guy you can never seem to get close to. He holds his cards close to the vest. He doesn’t share his feelings and is evasive when asked. He may stonewall you when you fight, shutting down and refusing to talk. It is incredibly frustrating for you to have his physical presence but no emotional presence. The more you push, however gently, the more you are pushed back.
With this type of man, you will never develop the closeness and connection required for a successful long-term relationship. He may epitomize the fearful-avoidant attachment style: he might desire intimacy and closeness but get freaked out by it at the same time. He may be holding resentment because of his last broken heart. He may seem like a “victim” of circumstance. Or he may just be cynical and depressive, unable to get out of his own head. He might also be the one you had a great first date with, but then — poof — he disappears. Life is incredibly complicated for this person. This one may be the most innocent of the bunch, and you might be tempted to continue with him to be helpful or because you feel so sorry for him. It is, however, a terrible idea to do so.
I have tried to make this list of profiles as exhaustive as possible so you can get a sense of the characteristics commonly seen in people who are emotionally unavailable. As you can see, there is a variety of men who are emotionally unavailable for many different reasons. We have some idea of the reasons these men are the way they are and act the way they do. Much of it is likely explained through the lens of attachment theory. A lot is also explained by the man’s personal life experiences and situations, both past and present, that influence him. We can’t leave out the genetic or biological influences, either. The good news is that you do not necessarily have to know the exact reason why a man is acting as he is to make the changes you desire in yourself and find a healthy and loving relationship.
Emotional Unavailability Checklists
Here are two checklists of some signs indicating that the man you are with is emotionally unavailable. Take a pencil and put a checkmark next to the ones that apply to your current situation. (If you are not currently dating or in a relationship, think about your last relationship.) If you have checked off several items on this list, it is very likely you are with an emotionally
