men who have affairs tend to have been avoidant in their past relationships, and they surely are with their current spouse. They don’t face problems head-on. They lack proactive behavior and problem-solving skills. They avoid confrontation. They turn to someone outside their marriage to get their needs met or as a coping strategy of sorts. They often come from dysfunctional families. They may have had cheating parents, or they saw a cold and unloving relationship between their parents.
The chances are excellent that the married man you are involved with picked you opportunistically. He may have some feelings for you, but it’s more probable that he just enjoys the physical aspect and excitement of the relationship. He is absorbed in the fantasy and fun that this relationship brings. And if he actually did leave his wife for you, you both would eventually find yourselves in a regular relationship. Following the stereotype, he would tire of your nagging, overspending, or PMS-ing, and you would tire of his clothes on the floor, his spontaneous farting, and his tuning you out every Sunday for football. And if in fact he is a narcissist, you are heavily involved with someone insensitive, self-absorbed, and manipulative.
Magical Thinking
Men who are cheating on their wives are not the “good ones.” These are not men of integrity. You can easily get caught up in magical thinking about the relationship you have with this type of man. Magical thinking may also come up for you when you consider someone not necessarily taken but emotionally unavailable. Here are some examples of this thinking:
• He really loves me; he made a mistake getting married to her.
• He would never cheat on me once we’re together for real.
• His wife must really be so _______ (fill in the blank: bitchy, cold, nasty...).
• He’s my soul mate; there can’t possibly be anyone else out there for me.
• We have a special connection.
• I am supposed to be understanding because ______ (fill in the blank: he has a child, he is a victim of a bad circumstance...).
• I can make him happy in a way she couldn’t.
You get the point. This thinking will keep you in this ongoing cycle of highs and lows with this person.
Common Threads among Affair Partners
Affair partners tend to experience one or more of several themes. Here are some of them:
• It is often a lonely and isolating experience. You might have to keep this part of your life hidden from friends and family. You often suffer in silence.
• You have one of the three insecure attachment styles that gets activated by your married partner.
• You may not have known your partner was married when you met, and now that you have fallen in love you’re already thinking it’s too late to get out.
• You experience a great deal of anxiety (fear, rumination) because you are involved with someone married.
• You recognize that your values do not align with your actions.
• You try to focus much more on the positives of the relationship and reasons to stay the course.
• You invest a lot of time, resources, and energy in the relationship, making it hard not to see it through.
What’s the Deal with His Wife?
You are probably very curious about your man’s wife. You view her as a rival who is standing in the way of your happiness. You may know her personally, or she may be a stranger. Regardless, your perception and knowledge of her are based mostly on what your man tells you (and doesn’t tell you). If your man does talk about her, you probably hear all the horrible things she does. If you know her and see her in a good light from your experience, you may not know what to think. His words don’t fit what you see or know. However, if you don’t know her, you can easily believe his convincing point of view. In fact, you will do whatever you can not to be like her. You will want to prove to him that you can make him happy. It’s part of the cycle that keeps you hooked.
Some men won’t even mention their wives. They refuse to discuss her or become quite good at evading any questions about her or the marriage. They have superior compartmentalization skills. This will drive you nuts! You will do whatever you can to try to find out about her. You will also look for reasons to consider her awful, to justify your behavior with her spouse.
Diana did just that. She was Jon’s affair partner for several months. He would not tell her why he was unhappy with his marriage. She stalked his wife on Facebook and saw that she and his wife had a friend in common. First, she was taken aback by how pretty his wife was. Diana made up a silly reason to ask her friend about Jon’s wife. She was even more disheartened to hear that the friend thought so highly of her, saying she was thoughtful and kind.
There are several primary reasons (excuses?) your man will give you to explain why he is having an affair. I list some of them here so you can recognize that hearing them may keep you stuck trying to be the one to make this relationship work.
• “I’m not in love with her anymore.” He may not understand how love evolves over the course of a long-term relationship. He is also equating love with lust.
• “She never wants to have sex” or “The sex is boring.” For many, the novelty and excitement of married sex will never compare to the excitement of affair sex. The spouse may be very attractive and sexy too...it really doesn’t matter.
• “She doesn’t take care of herself” or “She gained a lot of weight.” Your man will highlight her undesirable traits and how she has let herself go.
• “She doesn’t understand me.” This is a big cliché and probably a big lie. The wife knows him all too well, and this bothers him.
• “She’s a nag.” This may be true in some regard. But, as a couples’ therapist, I can tell you that the more one partner withdraws and avoids, the more the spouse nags, pokes, and pushes for intimacy, connection, and closeness.
• “She doesn’t appreciate me.” This one often has some truth to it as well. It does not excuse the cheating behavior, however. Cheating is not a solution to the marital problem.
• “She is mentally ill.” It is possible his wife is physically or mentally ill (or both). Your man may worry about how his wife will decompensate if he leaves. He may also worry about a severe reaction or breakdown.
If he tells you they are both unhappy but won’t divorce, you may hear these reasons:
• “I can’t afford to get a divorce.” Facing significant financial changes can definitely be a barrier to seeking a divorce. Many husbands worry about how they will support two separate households or pay alimony. Wives also worry about how they will live off drastically reduced incomes. There may be other money-related intricacies as well. Finances can keep two unhappily married people together.
• “My wife is ill.” A man usually will not leave a wife with a chronic medical illness or a wife who is fragile. He may also stay if she is at risk of suicide or deep depression.
• “I will never see my kids.” He may fear that his wife will alienate him from the kids or that he will not get fair visitation rights. He may even have
