target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="#fb3_img_img_b0182bb7-acb9-5097-9dae-2a3787522f10.jpg" alt="image"/> He engages in provocative behavior with the opposite sex.
If you now realize that you are in a relationship with someone abusive, I urge you to get out — with professional help if needed. You may feel that you love this person, but he does not love you or respect you. I assure you that, in time, you will get over this person if you break it off. You are worthy of a kind, loving, and respectful relationship.
If you recognize yourself in these descriptions and stories and are finding that you must face the reality of your situation — your entanglement with someone emotionally unavailable (or, worse, emotionally abusive) — you are in a decidedly tough spot. No one wants to let go when the feelings of lust or good chemistry have already taken hold. The following chapters will guide you to fully understand why and how you may have ended up in this situation now or repeatedly. They will also provide you with a road map to letting go and explain why doing so is vital.
This chapter is dedicated to the woman who has found herself in love with the quintessentially unavailable partner — the one already married. The affair may be an emotional affair or both a physical and an emotional one. An emotional affair is a relationship with someone married that is close and intimate but without physical contact. These often morph into full-blown physical affairs because usually there is undeniable chemistry between the two individuals. Quite often, a woman drawn into such a relationship had no intention of having an affair with someone married. If you have had such an affair, you might say that “it just happened.” Another scenario is that you did not even know he was married when you met. He put himself out there as single. When you found out, perhaps you had already fallen in love. Regardless of how this relationship came to be, such situations are particularly distressing when you want more — when you want him all to yourself.
It repeatedly happens that women enmeshed in affairs become anguished while deciding what to do with this kind of relationship. Most likely they fit the description of one of the three types of insecure attachment styles. Furthermore, certain personality traits considered virtuous and positive may create a double-edged sword for these women — for example, being empathic, hopeful, strong-willed, passionate, and loving. These women have a natural tendency to empathize with a man’s situation if he is unhappily married. A strong-willed nature and hopefulness keep them holding out for a happy ending. These are passionate women, and they finally have someone who appreciates it. Having a loving nature makes it a challenge to merely stop loving him and think that there might be someone else to love! If you are in this predicament, your good intentions have serious unintended consequences.
Take Kathy’s situation. She considers herself an “empath,” someone who easily becomes attuned to other people’s energy. Empaths intuitively perceive and experience the feelings of others. The danger for empaths comes when they also take on the emotions of others. They may even do so at the expense of their own needs. Women like Kathy frequently attract their opposite — those deficient in empathy, such as sociopaths and narcissists.
Kathy felt Matthew’s pain very deeply. He always looked distressed, and when she asked him if everything was okay, he took the opportunity to pour his heart out about his troubled marriage and how his wife didn’t appreciate him despite the many things he did to try to please her. Kathy felt a pull to comfort him, and of course, she felt so bad about his circumstances. He seemed like a great guy. Before long, she was doing way too much to comfort Matthew. The boundaries between his own pain and her pain for him became utterly blurred. She was in a full-fledged affair by the time she realized she had made a huge mistake. Interestingly enough, now she could never do enough to please Matthew. In his eyes, she was always doing something wrong. Then, it dawned on her that she was probably feeling the way his wife felt — Matthew never believed he got enough care, love, and attention; he was always unsatisfied.
Women pursue relationships with men who are already taken based on their feelings and chemistry. The men, however, may only be looking to fill a need. Some men act out of selfishness and self-righteousness — they just want the physicality of the relationship with you. But those trying to fill an unmet emotional need aren’t simply focused on the physical. If they’ve been rejected by their wives, they may also feel unloved, unimportant, or hurt. Hence, the problem-solving state of mind: “I can stay happily married (or at least somewhat satisfied) and keep my family intact by maintaining an affair.” This probably isn’t a conscious thought, but it is likely a factor at play.
The profiles of unavailable men discussed in chapter 2 are also typical of married men who have affairs. However, if you have fallen for a married man, he most likely fits the narcissist profile. It is easy to get fooled by this type of person. Narcissistic people are often especially attractive and charismatic. They appear self-assured and confident. Others perceive them positively even before having any sort of interaction (a phenomenon called zero acquaintance)! Ironically,
