target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="#fb3_img_img_b0182bb7-acb9-5097-9dae-2a3787522f10.jpg" alt="image"/> I am uncharacteristically suspicious or jealous.
Sometimes, the signs are subtle. Let’s take a look at the example of Amanda and Sam. They were set up by friends. When they met, they hit it off right away. They had a lot in common, and there was a strong physical attraction. Their relationship followed an ordinary course in the beginning. Sam was consistent and always called when he said he would. There truly was no way to know that Sam was emotionally unavailable until several months into the relationship.
It wasn’t a dramatic shift but a gradual one accompanied by a handful of red flags. For instance, after their first fight, Amanda was upset but thought she and Sam should discuss everything and try to resolve things. Sam wouldn’t talk to Amanda at all. He just refused to address it. Amanda became even more distressed at being shut out. After three days of stone-cold silence, he called her as if nothing had happened. She was perplexed but also relieved that he’d finally reached out, so she didn’t bring it up. But then it happened again. Amanda got shut out and was let back in only when Sam was ready.
She also began to sense that Sam would talk about topics only on a superficial level. He never talked about his feelings. He would get evasive and uncomfortable when she would ask. Amanda realized that if she stayed with Sam, she would be doing all the emotional heavy lifting in their relationship. She asked him if he would go to a counselor with her to try to resolve this, because they were getting serious and she loved him. She was heartbroken that he refused and stated, “I am who I am. Do not try to change me.” Amanda made the painful but smart decision to break up with him because she knew she wanted to connect deeply with a partner. She also needed someone who would not abandon her after a fight or disagreement. Sam was a “straight-up avoider,” and Amanda stayed clearheaded enough to see the signs and tune in to her gut feelings.
On the other end of the spectrum, the signs are much more apparent. Some women find themselves in a particularly hellish existence with a sociopath or a narcissist. These men go beyond emotional unavailability by also being emotionally abusive. Take Laura and Craig. Laura was kindhearted and caring but naive. She was swept off her feet by Craig in the beginning. A few months into their relationship, he began to get jealous and controlling. She constantly had to reassure him of her love and commitment. Sometimes, he would fly off the handle at her over small things.
She began to question her sanity and would blame herself for upsetting him. He would go from loving to ice cold at the drop of a hat. When she tried to break up with him, he would cry and say he would change, but it never lasted long. She really wanted to end the relationship but worried about hurting him and ended up feeling trapped. It took a friend, her family, and a therapist to help her find the strength to finally get out.
Emotional Unavailability versus Emotional Abuse
I’d like to be clear about what constitutes emotional unavailability and what constitutes emotional abuse. It can be a very fine line. Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names, or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance, or as if you are walking on eggshells all the time. This is the kind of abuse (also called mental abuse or psychological abuse) that can sneak up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship.
Psychological abuse occurs when one person in the relationship tries to control information available to the other person to manipulate his or her viewpoint or sense of reality. This abuse often contains strong, emotionally manipulative themes and threats intended to make the victim acquiesce. In addition, most abusive partners are skilled at convincing the victim that the abuse is his or her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened. If the abuse causes you to doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity, this means you are being “gaslighted.” Examples may range from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing you.
Abusers at times will throw you a bone, so to speak. I have heard too many times that a partner was “nice,” “complimentary,” “gave me a gift,” and so on, as if this should erase all the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse. In fact, it is rare for abusive relationships to not have these (often intense) moments of feeling good, excessively sincere apologies, or attempts to make up for the bad behavior. These moments can cause you to cling to the hope that the relationship will change, and the abuser knows this.
It’s important to remember that emotional abuse is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use your insecurities against you. Abusers are adept at convincing you that you do not deserve better treatment, or that they are treating you this way to “help” you. Some abusers even act charming in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private it’s a different story, which is baffling. Given that this abuse is cunning and hard to recognize, I have included a checklist that will help you more easily tell when it is occurring.
Emotional Abuse Checklist
If the man you are seeing displays even a handful of the following signs, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
