crowd when you’re introspective or in recovery leads to misery. Staying home, isolated and alone, when you value the limelight will engulf you in sadness and despondency. Surrounding yourself with people who have conflicting ideas and philosophies may be great in a debate, but it’s not great in your personal life. Being involved with unfavorable people is as damaging as living in clutter. Eliminating from your life any people with ill will is always a good idea.
Establishing strong boundaries with people who rely on you too much, who are not reciprocal, and who do not have your best interest at heart is in your best interest. Communicating clearly with yourself and with other people will keep balance in all areas of your life, and being a clear communicator will ultimately make clearing your space so much easier and effective. As I discuss next, improving communication skills is the most intriguing part of clearing clutter from your life.
CHANGING YOUR LANGUAGE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Changing how you communicate will help increase your productivity, timeliness, and creative life processes and allow you to live an organized life. The number-one cause of perpetual disorganization is the use of what I call “impeding language.” The way you talk to yourself and others directly impacts your behavior, along with cluttered corners, cabinets, and packed and erratic spaces. Impeding language leads to overcollecting, overaccumulating, and cluttering in the most insidious and derailing ways.
ELIMINATING IMPEDING LANGUAGE FROM YOUR LIFE
Distinguishing wants from needs, using decisive language and eliminating indecisive language, and putting adjectives or feeling words and the word will back into your language assures you of having ease with the decluttering process. Changing your language will also improve your productivity and help you fulfill your goals before, during, and after the decluttering process.
I believe “I need” is the most overused phrase in our language. We say “I need” all the time: I need to get out of here; I need to pick up the kids; I need to call that guy; I need to do something with my hair; I need to exercise; I need new clothes; I need a new car. I need, I need, I need! This phrase comes up often during the decluttering process. Someone holds up item after item and says, “I need this.” But the truth is, “I need” is a white lie. Saying you need something that is not an essential need instead of saying you “want” something or that you will “do” something is a way to avoid recognizing or admitting that you are making a choice, and it will disrupt you from remaining organized and productive. We are in essence “needling” ourselves to death. Needling yourself to do things instead of willing yourself to do things is the barrier to follow-through. Needling is the cause of tension, worry, and nervousness.
I believe we only have seven essential needs: air, food, water, shelter, sleep, elimination, and sunlight. These are the seven things that keep us alive. Nothing else is a need. Misusing the phrase “I need” is what often leads to overcollecting and overaccumulation to begin with. It leads to overshopping and stockpiling stuff to degrees that are neither useful nor purposeful. This disorganized way of thinking leads to disorganized clutter and often neglect of one’s actual needs. A clutter-filled, nonfunctioning home gets in the way of sufficient sleep, balanced nourishment, proper hydration, fresh air, detoxifying eliminations, sufficient sunlight, and optimal shelter. Misusing the word need will also make it much more difficult to declutter and stay organized.
In general, listen to others and keep track of how many times you hear people say some version of “I need,” such as “I must,” “I have to,” or “I gotta.” How often do these phrases pertain to the necessities that keep us alive? More importantly, as you go through the decluttering process, listen to yourself and stop every time you hear yourself say, “I need this item.” Even when the item is used for one of the essential needs, rephrase to say, “I am choosing to keep this because…” Clarify why you’re making that choice; evaluate how it fits with your core values. Ask yourself: “Is it useful? Does it serve a purpose? Is it sentimental? Do I love it?”
For instance, we need food. But the kind of food we eat, and where and how we get it, is a choice. Most people shop for food in grocery stores, but you don’t need to. Some people grow their own food and hunt, while some people never cook, eating solely in restaurants. You also don’t need to pay your taxes. Not paying them will not kill you, though eventually you will find yourself in serious trouble with the IRS. That won’t kill you either, but it can lead to financial disaster and legal challenges. For this reason, people usually choose to pay their taxes to avoid those negative consequences.
You can view this change to your language as semantics, but it’s not. When you deliberately make conscious choices — by saying “I want” or “I will” rather than “I need” — you emphasize the positive reasons, values, and motivations that are important to you. This helps keep you from feeling trapped by obligations. For example, if you have children, you are regularly choosing how to care for them. You don’t “have” to buy them certain toys or pick them up from school if you don’t want to. They won’t die if you don’t buy them things or if you fail to show up. Of course, you want them to be happy and get home safely, yet there are other ways of achieving all that: fun activities instead of more stuff, earning their own money to buy things, taking a bus or public transit, sharing a ride with someone else, and walking or biking themselves. It is important to know that nothing you do is a “have to,” unless it is one of the seven actual needs.
Sometimes, admitting that you don’t want to do something will lead to clever solutions. Or perhaps, even though after-school pickups are an annoying chore, you will do it because you want to love and care for your kids. However, you also can decide that certain responsibilities and roles are incongruent with your ideal life, and even abhorrent, and you will choose not to do those things to pursue what you enjoy instead. Once you rid yourself of “I need,” the freedom of life begins. You choose to fulfill your actual needs in numerous ways — in how you breathe, what you eat and drink, the home you live in, the clothing you wear, your sleep habits, how you care for the body, plus getting enough sun. Realizing that fulfilling your actual needs involves hundreds of choices, and that you’re in charge of making them, makes life a whole lot sweeter and more enjoyable.
Consciously choosing to declutter and get organized makes the process easier, too. Remember: You don’t “need” to get rid of anything, and you don’t “need” to keep anything. Make everything a choice that serves the larger purpose of your life.
INDECISIVE LANGUAGE VERSUS DECISIVE LANGUAGE
After “I need,” the most common phrase I hear when helping people get perpetually organized is “I’ll try”: I’ll try to get organized; I’ll try to finish this weekend; I’ll try to keep the kitchen and the house clean from now on; I’ll try not to buy so much stuff anymore. I call this type of impeding language “indecisive language.”
Indecisive language keeps you chained to your clutter. It makes decision-making impossible. Using decisive language helps you fulfill your dreams and goals. “I’ll try” or “I tried” signals indecision, doubt, resistance, reluctance, or fear. It expresses a lack of commitment or self-confidence. If you hear yourself saying “I’ll try” as you go through this process, recognize this as expressing indecision about getting organized. Know that you either will or won’t accomplish your goals. Don’t “try” to succeed. Be decisive. Saying “I’ll try” indicates nonaction; it means nothing.
When people don’t finish something they set out to do, they often say “I tried” as a way to excuse themselves or escape blame. For instance, when someone misses an appointment,
