it’s the one that really works for you. If you get stuck on something or if it’s simply not clicking with you, move on to another section.
Finally, remember that the guidelines contained in these pages are just suggestions. They’re based on decades of experience and training, but they are not a science. Love never is. Although all relationships may journey through the same cycles, every union is unique, and the people within them are constantly changing. The particular skills that work for some will not work for all, and the skills that work sometimes won’t work all the time. Choose the exercises that create positive movement between your souls. Save the rest for when the seasons change.
The Quest for Wholeness
In addition to reestablishing intimacy with our partner, we will explore the barriers and the bridges to becoming wholehearted as individuals — a necessary personal journey we’ll each need to take alone in order to eventually access a place of wholehearted love together.
As you move through this book, never forget that we are in this world to become more whole ourselves. Although our intimate relationships can be a powerful catalyst for the development of that wholeness, it is our connection with ourselves that matters most, no matter how much we might love another. This isn’t about indulgence or self-preoccupation; it’s about being determined to become the best human we can. Renowned vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown describes wholeness (or wholeheartedness) as having the courage to be imperfect, embracing our story as the right journey for us no matter how difficult it may be, practicing empathy for ourselves and others, and authentically connecting with those around us. All of this book’s teachings on love are grounded in developing and deepening these qualities.
The truth is, the quest to create a thriving relationship is inextricably intertwined with the individual’s quest for wholeness. In her book Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow, Omega Institute founder Elizabeth Lesser tells us, “When there is nothing left to lose, we find the true self — the self that is whole, the self that is enough, the self that no longer looks to others for definition, or completion, or anything but companionship on the journey.”
A New Way to Love
A few decades ago, when people began to talk about “soulmates,” unconditional love was considered a permanent state of being rather than an ever-evolving one. Many of my clients wonder if their relationship problems stem from not feeling “in love with” their partner all of the time; instead, they sometimes feel bored, annoyed, or outright fed up. Based on inaccurate beliefs about the normal progression of relationships, many people feel that if they have conflicts, power struggles, and times of unhappiness in their relationships, they have failed.
The Love Cycles model encourages us to see those troubles as normal seasons in a long-term relationship. I am optimistic that some of us are beginning to move toward this more generous, compassionate, and realistic view of what healthy relationships look like — one that is less linear and more cyclical. Falling in love is never a straight line to “happily ever after.” Like all parts of nature, we go through seasons of change, renewal, darkness, and light. Always remember that temporarily losing our way or failing to respond with our best selves to a challenging interaction is simply a reminder that we’re all human. We have the opportunity to heal ourselves of old wounds that began long before we met our partner and to grow into our best selves emotionally and spiritually.
By following the guidelines in this book, we can learn how to keep our inevitable relationship troubles from overwhelming us (because they really don’t have to) and make the times between the trouble as rich, delightful, and loving as possible.
Where Am I — and Where Do I Want to Be?
Tremendous growth happens when couples learn to “swim in anxious soup together.” This means learning to tolerate anxiety for growth, rather than moving to control and manage one another or collapsing and complying in order not to threaten each other.
— ELLYN BADER, at a 2018 Couples Conference in Oakland, California
Before you can start learning any new love skills, you first need to understand why you’re doing this at all. When it comes to improving your relationships, what is the ultimate goal?
In the Love Cycles model, which outlines the five stages all romantic relationships go through, the final stage is Wholehearted Love. But there’s no real end point in this journey: everlasting love is an everlasting journey. Most couples will need to make repeated treks through all five stages, continuing to learn and grow together with each cycle. If and when we arrive at the fifth stage, however, our relationship is at its healthiest and most rewarding. Although we don’t stay in Stage Five permanently, we can find our way back to it with greater ease each time we drop into an earlier stage, and we stay in that fifth stage for longer periods of time.
Wholehearted love is more than just loving someone with all you’ve got. It means loving from a place of personal wholeness and with a full recognition of your partner’s wholeness. There are three elements of wholehearted love: mindful self-awareness, relationship skillfulness, and care and nourishment of the relationship.
WHOLEHEARTED LOVE
Mindful Self-Awareness
Relationship Skillfulness
Care and Nourishment of the Relationship
The first step is to assess where you are on the journey toward wholehearted loving — right here, right now. The quiz below will help you understand each of the three elements of wholehearted love and how well you practice each one.
I will ask you to retake this quiz at the end of the book, and I think you’ll be surprised at all you’ve learned. If you’re willing to thoughtfully consider the ideas in Love Skills and try out most of the exercises, I’m confident you’ll find yourself in a very different place by the time you finish the book.
Wholehearted Loving Quiz
This exercise should be completed individually. If you’re working with a partner, share your results after you’ve both finished.
Rank yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 for each item based on the definitions below. After each section, add up the scores to get your total for that section. The usefulness of this quiz relies on your self-awareness and honesty with yourself, so be as truthful as possible.
1 = This is never true for me
2 = This is rarely true for me
3 = This is sometimes true for me
4 = This is usually true for me
5 = This is almost always true for me
Mindful Self-Awareness
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
— C. G. JUNG, founder of analytical psychology
Mindfulness is a meditative practice of paying attention to the moment in a nonjudgmental way, and self-awareness is your capacity to observe and reflect on your
