with an intention to blame but rather to understand, take responsibility for, and courageously address our own challenges. In acknowledging and exploring our own imperfections, we learn to accept those of our partner, rather than fruitlessly insisting that our partner be the one to change.
In essence, we lean into discomfort instead of running from it. That means we no longer avoid difficult conversations, but instead face them head-on with an open heart. We learn to listen carefully, even when our partner voices an opinion we find threatening. At the same time, we no longer view alone time as an escape from the other person, but rather a healthy way to replenish the self — and consequently replenish the relationship as well.
And sex? Sometimes it’s wonderful. Sometimes it doesn’t quite work out — and we learn to laugh or shrug about what is less than perfect. Always, it’s an ongoing candid conversation between both partners to ensure mutual satisfaction.
Importantly, the stage of Wholehearted Love doesn’t merely mean a calm, mature acceptance of what is. To the contrary, it can be a thrilling adventure in which we rediscover some of the joy and passion of The Merge. Although we may not recapture the dopamine-fueled bliss of the first stage, we begin to play together again — to laugh, relax, and deeply enjoy each other. Together, we might create art, plant a garden, travel, develop community, and share work and family life in new ways. And throughout, as we work toward greater maturity and connection, we rediscover new aspects of ourselves and our partner that allow us to fall in love all over again.
Once we know how to live comfortably in this stage, we can fairly quickly return to stability even when we fall out, without necessarily having to travel through every stage each time. No one can stay in wholeheartedness all of the time, but we can live here for longer and longer stretches.
The Love Cycles model offers a concrete method for practicing mindfulness within our relationships. It encourages us to identify and grapple with our innermost thoughts and feelings about our partners and accept the ever-changing nature of love. Once you pinpoint where you and your partner are in the cycle, you can pause, breathe, and begin to thoughtfully address your relationship challenges. In the next chapter, we’ll get started with that process by figuring out which stage you’re currently in.
Which Love Cycle Stage Are You In?
Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.
— HARVILLE HENDRIX, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want
It is possible, even likely, that you may see yourself in a different Love Cycle stage than your partner does. It’s normal for two people to see their relationship in different ways.
Let’s Find Out
Take the following quiz to find out which stage you are in.
Love Cycles Quiz
This exercise should be completed individually. If you’re working as a couple, come together to share your results at the end after doing the quiz separately.
Rank yourself on a scale of 1 to 3 for each item based on the definitions below:
1 = This doesn’t apply to me at all
2 = This somewhat applies to me
3 = This definitely applies to me
Stage One: The Merge
| Score | |
| 1.I feel as though I could be with my partner all the time, and when we’re not together, I miss my partner terribly. | ______ |
| 2.My partner and I can talk for hours and never get bored. | ______ |
| 3.I tell my partner things about myself that I rarely, if ever, tell anyone else. When I do, my partner doesn’t pull away. | ______ |
| 4.My partner seems to accept me with all of my flaws, and I accept my partner’s. | ______ |
| 5.I don’t get as much sleep now that we’re dating — just thinking about my partner fills me with energy! | ______ |
| 6.I think my partner may be my perfect match, even though we haven’t been together very long. | ______ |
| 7.I always take longer to get ready before meeting up with my partner. I need to look my best! | ______ |
| 8.Our sex life is fantastic — we make love more frequently and enjoyably than I have with any previous partner. | ______ |
| 9.My partner is so attractive that I could stare at him or her for hours. | ______ |
| 10.We have fun no matter what we are doing — even normally boring things like grocery shopping or cleaning. | ______ |
| 11.My partner brings out my generosity; I’m happy to spend money on him or her. | ______ |
| 12.With my partner, I’m willing to try things in the bedroom that I’ve never done before. | ______ |
| 13.Anytime we are relaxing, I can’t help but cuddle. | ______ |
| 14.My partner likes a lot of activities I’ve never tried, but I’m really interested in getting into them too. | ______ |
| 15.We like to “sext” and send sexually suggestive messages to each other…even during the workday. | ______ |
| 16.I’m seeing my friends less often because I want to prioritize love right now. | ______ |
| 17.I almost feel guilty when I think about flirting with other people (which happens rarely). If I had dating apps and/or files, I’ve deleted them. | ______ |
| 18.I want to know everything about my partner. | ______ |
| 19.After a date, I replay every moment in my head. | ______ |
| 20.I love to talk about my new partner with supportive friends and family members. Sometimes, even my partner has to remind me to talk about things other than our relationship. | ______ |
| TOTAL SCORE | ______ |
Stage Two: Doubt and Denial
| Score | |
| 1.I’m more critical of my partner than I used to be. Even if I don’t actually say I’m annoyed, I’m sure my tone and facial expressions communicate my disapproval. | ______ |
|
2.More and more, my partner is criticizing
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